Trump Has No Time For A Dog, Because He's So Busy Tweeting And Pooping And Watching TV And ...

Donald Trump finally talked about that really weird thing about himself. No, not his face. No, not the upsetting thing that came out when he and Ivana Trump decided to make their first baby. No, not the fact that he can barely speak English and has no idea how to say "industry." No, not the thing about how his brain is so stupid he literally thinks F-35 airplanes are invisible. No, not the thing about how Vladimir Putin helped him steal the 2016 election.

We mean how he doesn't have a dog, because in order to have and love a dog, you usually need to be in possession of a human soul. (There are exceptions, of course.) He is, like, the only president in the history of forever who hasn't had a dog, and his lack of one is one of the countless reasons he's a loathsome human being.

Anyway, during Trump's weird little WALL rally in El Paso on Monday night, while he was yammering to the little bitty crowd of human ass herpes that showed up at his rally while Sexxxy Beto was doing a much larger rally with much higher quality people across the street, he discussedwhy he doesn't have a dog. As usual, at least half of it was lies, but it was all worthy of mockery, and so we shall commence with some of that.

The explanation came amid an extended riff about the superior abilities of German shepherds to sniff out drugs being smuggled across the border. "You do love your dogs, don't you?" Trump said, as the crowd whistled and cheered. "I wouldn't mind having one, honestly, but I don't have any time."

OK stop.

We have been spending the last few weekschortling heartily because a rogue White House staffer won't stop leaking Trump's personal schedules that show us what a fucking lazy ass he really is. This is a man who gets up early in the morning and "Executive Times" himself under the covers for fucking HOURS while watching "Fox & Friends" and hate-watching "Morning Joe" and tweeting. He's not in the office until after 11, usually! So by our count, that is approximately LOTS OF HOURS every morning when he could be letting the dog out, feeding the dog, or even saying "Who's a good boy!" into his gold-plated mirror while the dog silently yearns for him to throw the squeaky. And at some point, he could theoretically throw the squeaky! Assuming he is supplied with squeakies that are little enough to fit in his hands!

Also, if he's worried about forgetting to feed the dog, because, you know, his brain is so BIGLY, this is the White House. There are people who can do that for him, or hasn't he gotten used to being waited on hand and foot for his entire natural life?

"How would I look walking a dog on the White House lawn?"

Like an ugly fucking idiot, because that's what he looks like at all times, but hey, at least there'd be a cute puppy in the picture.

"I don't know, I don't feel good," he said. "Feels a little phony to me."

And his problem with "phony" would be ...

A lot of people had told him to get a dog because it would look good politically, he added, but he hadn't felt the need because "that's not the relationship I have with my people."

Now we get closer to the truth, which is that Donald Trump is a soulless dried handful of Big Mac crumbs caked in the grundle thatch of life, and the only reason he'd get a dog would be if he thought it would make his base like him more. He's already established that his base is a cult that would love him even if he raped a puppy in the middle of Fifth Avenue, what more could he want?

One time Trump almost got a dog, as the Washington Postreports. A rich lady in Palm Beach tried to give him a nine-week-old goldendoodle named Patton as a present when he became president, because, you know, presidents have dogs, and this is what happened:

"He said, 'Go over there and show it to Barron,'" [Palm Beach philanthropist Lois] Pope said, referring to Trump's 10-year-old son. "He said, 'He's going to fall in love with him.' He said, 'Barron will want him.'"

When she showed the photo to Barron, Pope said, "this big smile came over his face, and it just brought tears to his eyes."

And then they didn't get it, because DONALD AND MELANIA TRUMP ARE MONSTERS. They literally watched their 10-year-old boy cry because he wanted just one normal thing, a dog to keep him company as they moved into that big lonely White House, and THEY DIDN'T GET IT.

The Post notes that Lois Pope now thinks Trump is kind of a piece of shit, that he actually does like watching the Westminster Dog Show (probably to get grooming tips for his shit-hair), and that at last night's rally, he was super-jazzed about German shepherds who can smell Mexican drugs from their house.

But otherwise he's a fucking freak.

OK, it's the end of the day now, you know how your open thread works or whatever.

[Washington Post / ibid.]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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