Donald Trump finally talked about that really weird thing about himself. No, not his face. No, not the upsetting thing that came out when he and Ivana Trump decided to make their first baby. No, not the fact that he can barely speak English and has no idea how to say "industry." No, not the thing about how his brain is so stupid he literally thinks F-35 airplanes are invisible. No, not the thing about how Vladimir Putin helped him steal the 2016 election.

We mean how he doesn't have a dog, because in order to have and love a dog, you usually need to be in possession of a human soul. (There are exceptions, of course.) He is, like, the only president in the history of forever who hasn't had a dog, and his lack of one is one of the countless reasons he's a loathsome human being.

Anyway, during Trump's weird little WALL rally in El Paso on Monday night, while he was yammering to the little bitty crowd of human ass herpes that showed up at his rally while Sexxxy Beto was doing a much larger rally with much higher quality people across the street, he discussed why he doesn't have a dog. As usual, at least half of it was lies, but it was all worthy of mockery, and so we shall commence with some of that.

The explanation came amid an extended riff about the superior abilities of German shepherds to sniff out drugs being smuggled across the border. "You do love your dogs, don't you?" Trump said, as the crowd whistled and cheered. "I wouldn't mind having one, honestly, but I don't have any time."

OK stop.

We have been spending the last few weeks chortling heartily because a rogue White House staffer won't stop leaking Trump's personal schedules that show us what a fucking lazy ass he really is. This is a man who gets up early in the morning and "Executive Times" himself under the covers for fucking HOURS while watching "Fox & Friends" and hate-watching "Morning Joe" and tweeting. He's not in the office until after 11, usually! So by our count, that is approximately LOTS OF HOURS every morning when he could be letting the dog out, feeding the dog, or even saying "Who's a good boy!" into his gold-plated mirror while the dog silently yearns for him to throw the squeaky. And at some point, he could theoretically throw the squeaky! Assuming he is supplied with squeakies that are little enough to fit in his hands!

Also, if he's worried about forgetting to feed the dog, because, you know, his brain is so BIGLY, this is the White House. There are people who can do that for him, or hasn't he gotten used to being waited on hand and foot for his entire natural life?

"How would I look walking a dog on the White House lawn?"

Like an ugly fucking idiot, because that's what he looks like at all times, but hey, at least there'd be a cute puppy in the picture.

"I don't know, I don't feel good," he said. "Feels a little phony to me."

And his problem with "phony" would be ...

A lot of people had told him to get a dog because it would look good politically, he added, but he hadn't felt the need because "that's not the relationship I have with my people."

Now we get closer to the truth, which is that Donald Trump is a soulless dried handful of Big Mac crumbs caked in the grundle thatch of life, and the only reason he'd get a dog would be if he thought it would make his base like him more. He's already established that his base is a cult that would love him even if he raped a puppy in the middle of Fifth Avenue, what more could he want?

One time Trump almost got a dog, as the Washington Post reports. A rich lady in Palm Beach tried to give him a nine-week-old goldendoodle named Patton as a present when he became president, because, you know, presidents have dogs, and this is what happened:

"He said, 'Go over there and show it to Barron,'" [Palm Beach philanthropist Lois] Pope said, referring to Trump's 10-year-old son. "He said, 'He's going to fall in love with him.' He said, 'Barron will want him.'"

When she showed the photo to Barron, Pope said, "this big smile came over his face, and it just brought tears to his eyes."

And then they didn't get it, because DONALD AND MELANIA TRUMP ARE MONSTERS. They literally watched their 10-year-old boy cry because he wanted just one normal thing, a dog to keep him company as they moved into that big lonely White House, and THEY DIDN'T GET IT.

The Post notes that Lois Pope now thinks Trump is kind of a piece of shit, that he actually does like watching the Westminster Dog Show (probably to get grooming tips for his shit-hair), and that at last night's rally, he was super-jazzed about German shepherds who can smell Mexican drugs from their house.

But otherwise he's a fucking freak.

OK, it's the end of the day now, you know how your open thread works or whatever.

[Washington Post / ibid.]

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE, DO IT RIGHT HERE!

Wonkette is ad-free and funded ONLY by YOU, our dear readers. Click below to keep the lights on, please. We appreciate you, most of the time.

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

Donate with CC

Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

Keep reading... Show less
Donate with CC

'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.

Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

Donate with CC

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)


©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc