Trump Hates Jared Now, Oh Poop!
WHOA, EVERYBODY, STOP! Bad news about Trump family harmony!
We've been studiously chronicling the participation of Prince Jared Kushner in America's botched response to the coronavirus pandemic, as Jared has inserted himself in the crisis; asked Facebook for help on "What Is Pandemic? Is It Store Ivanka Likes On Fifth Avenue?"; and filled his father-in-law's head with #ImaginationFacts about how the virus isn't that bad, it's just a PR crisis.
But somewhere this weekend, the public face of the Trump administration has at least seemed to get the slightest hair more serious about coronavirus, and of course Beltway journalists and pundits are doing that Van Jones thing and jizzing themselves like YAYAYAYAYAY THIS IS THE DAY DONALD TRUMP REALLY BECAME PRESIDENT YAYAYAYAYAYAY! (For a particularly egregious example, let us direct you to Dana Bash, because oh my god.)
It does sound like the White House has seen a study that came out this weekend from the UK that showed bad modeling numbers for how many people could die if we don't act hard and act fast. And yes, Trump's daily Tank The Markets Press Conference today was a bit more serious-like and featured only about 75 percent as much ass-kissing toward the president compared to previous pressers. Treasury Secretary Muncher McMunch even told people how to order food on their phones! They are VRY SRS now.
Gabe Sherman has a report from behind the scenes, and the bad news for Jared is that Trump HATE JARED NOW. You see, because while Trump might rate himself a 10 out of 10 on his own personal response to coronavirus, because he is perfect, he has to find somebody to blame, and specifically he has found Jared.
"I have never heard so many people inside the White House openly discuss how pissed Trump is at Jared," [a] former West Wing official said. [...]
Sources told me Trump is regretting that Kushner swooped into the coronavirus response last week. Kushner, according to sources, encouraged Trump to treat the emergency as a P.R. problem when [Dr. Anthony] Fauci and others were calling for aggressive action. "This was Jared saying the world needs me to solve another problem," a former White House official said.
POOR JARED. You know how the world always is when it has a problem. Middle East burning? Dirty dishes in the sink? Everybody dying of opioids? Ivanka fell down the stairs trying to zip up her dress? Better call Jared, he's our only hope! Help, Jared, help!
Trump is reportedly mad at Jared for telling him not to declare a NATIONAL EMERGY last Wednesday, and then the markets tanked anyway after his perfect Oval Office address. And Trump is mad at Jared for getting him all excited about the new Google coronavirus website, which caused Trump to go out there Friday and just cold make up shit about it, shit JARED TOLD HIM, and just UGH, JARED.
Anyway, the point is that Donald Trump is sick and tired of being sick and tired of Jared, and now that he is serious and presidential about the crisis, he's gonna grab coronavirus by the pussy and take it furniture shopping, but only in a furniture store that models correct social distancing. Maybe the Haverty's. Moreover, Trump does not agree with moron Republicans who've been saying this is no big deal, like Bernie Kerik:
Why do I feel this hysteria is being created to destabilize the country, and destroy the unparalleled and historic… https://t.co/7UEQiLPTIG— Bernard B. Kerik (@Bernard B. Kerik)1584326831.0
And he doesn't agree with Devin Nunes, who was like GO EAT THE CORONA-CAKES AT THE CORONA-PUB (or whatever Fucking Devin said, he is mad enough to sue an imaginary cow because the mean crazy media is misinterpreting his advice that people should go to pubs right now). "I think it's probably better that you don't," said Trump yesterday. He even said in his presser today that he is being very tough on (Republican) governors who are acting like coronavirus is a big hoax.
Again, Trump is SERIOUS.
Gabe Sherman's reporting also addresses rumors that the Trump administration is wanting to do a national lockdown (they say they aren't), which people have wondered about as administration recommendations on public gatherings have gone down from "no more than 500" to "no more than 10" in the space of a few days. But apparently a lot of Republicans don't like that idea, because here's why:
Republicans fear a lockdown could compound the crisis if Trump is cooped up in the White House with nothing to watch but the news. "What's he going to do, watch reruns of the Masters from 2017? He's just going to watch TV and tweet and it's going to get worse," the former official said.
Because if America is locked down, then oh shit, he will be locked down too, with nothing to do but play on Twitter while he poops, and OH GOD NO, we cannot even consider that possibility, it is unthinkable.
Point is, the grownups are definitely in charge and everything is awesome and Trump hates Jared now, but we're sure they'll get over it, the end.
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