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Hey, there was a Trump Hitler rally last night, you hear about it? No you didn't, you have a life. OR DO YOU?

Neat, Trump supporters who go to Trump rallies continue to be just the best people. Well done.

Anyway, the rally was the first Trump rally of 2020, and it was in "town" in "heartland" (Toledo). And he played all his greatest (senile dementia authoritarian lie) hits!


The usual suspects (Aaron Rupar) live-tweeted the affair, let's find out what happened (cheat off Aaron Rupar's paper).

Mike Pence started out the whole hoo-hah (oh no, Mother does not like it when Mike Pence starts the "hoo-hah"!), explaining why Trump bombed the shit out of Iran's second most powerful government official, none of which was about how we were about to be attacked. Instead it was "no more Benghazis!" or something, because Trump wingnuts are well known for making Pavlov's Dog rage-gasm sounds when you say "BENGHAZI!11!1!!!!"

Anyway, Donald Trump eventually took the stage and he said the Trump things and he pretended he accomplished a veterans thing that was actually accomplished by Barack Obama and there was a protester and Trump told the crowd the protester was "goin' home to mommy" when he was booted out.

All normal so far.

Here is Trump saying we are "uzhing" our military power to make "peesh" happen, because we "seek friendzh, not emenenies," and this is accurate because of how Trump just bombed the shit out of Iran's second-most powerful military official, which is just a real "peesh" move. Our point is that his face was malfunctioning last night, like it usually does.

Here is Trump claiming baselessly that Qasem Soleimani was about to bomb our embassy in Iraq and also all our embassies or something. "We stopped him, and we stopped him COLD!" This is obviously a lie Trump made up, but that's not stopping Mike Pompeo from telling it this morning in the press room.

The crowd cheered about the death of the man they had never heard of as of last Christmas, which was just over two weeks ago.


TRUMP: He was a bloodthirsty TERR-UH ... and he's no longer a TERR-UR-UH. He's dead.

That is an actual quote from the president of the United States, about Qasem Soleimani, whose name Trump pronounced approximately five different ways throughout the rally. Yep.

Trump is very mad "crazy Bernie" condemned the strike on "the world's top terrorist" and also too "Nervous Nancy" condemned it, what dumb Constitution-followers they are, wanting to force Trump to get "permission from Congress" to start stupid wars, and the only reason they want that is so they can "call the Fake News and leak it!" That is what he thinks.

BOOOOOOOOO, says the MENSA meeting Trump convened in Toledo, BOOOOOOOOO.

A lot of people are quoting this Trump rant about Adam Schiff and Nancy Pelosi. We will transcribe it because of how this is actually the sentence structure that comes out of the atrophied brain of President Dipshit.


TRUMP: So they want me, so you know these are split-second decisions, you have to make a decision, so they don't want me to make that decision, they want me to call up, maybe go over there, lemme go over to Congress, or come on over to the White House, let's talk about it. "When can you make it?" "Well I won't be able to make it today, sir, how about uhhhhhhhhhh let's say a couple of days." "Oh sure, come on over!"

[many words and lies about the Soleimani strike]

We didn't have time to call up Nancy who is not operating with a full deck! No, they want us to call, can you imagine, calling crooked Adam Schiff, he's so crooked! He's so crooked! Shifty Schiff! Say gee Adam how ya doin', we have the world's number one terrorist, killed thousands and thousands of people, we'd like to set up a meeting so we can discuss his execution. Would you be willing to meet? "Well I won't be able to make it this week!" Well you know, he's traveling fast! We got 'im lined up, Adam!

YOU LITTLE PENCIL-NECK!

Nine inches!

He buys the smallest shirt collar you can get, and it's loose!

Yep, that is an exact transcription. YOU LITTLE PENCIL-NECK!

Now, class, you are smarter than a Trump supporter or a Donald Trump, so we don't have to explain this to you, but what Trump is trying to explain -- and does not understand himself -- is that the Gang of Eight is supposed to be notified about actions such as the one Trump took against Qasem Soleimani. In the case of an actual imminent attack, which was not present here -- PROVE US WRONG, MIKE POMPEO SPEAKING FROM THE PRESS ROOM THIS MORNING, oh wait you can't -- the president is of course able to take immediate action to protect American lives. But the Gang of Eight -- the leaders in both parties of the House and the Senate, and the chairs and ranking members of the intelligence committees -- is supposed to be informed. There is no intelligence too classified for them to see, no operation that is too secret, because they are the motherfucking Gang of Eight, it is the whole fucking point.

Anyway, Trump really thought he got Schiff real good, making fun of his neck, but all we heard is Trump randomly yelling "NINE INCHES" while whining about Adam Schiff. Would hate for somebody to take that out of context and turn it into a viral video or something.

Here is Trump CRY CRY CRYING about how nobody ever gives him any Nobel Peace Prizes CRY CRY CRY:

Here is the part about "Crooked Hillary." The crowd yells "LOCK HER UP!" and Trump says "You should lock her up, I'll tell you!" and did y'all read Liz's new post about the status of the latest fake "LOCK HER UP!" investigation? You should read that, it will make this video pretty funny for you.

Here is the part where Donald Trump won a contest against Abraham Lincoln, hey Melania, I beat Abraham Lincoln in the contest! Trump was very excited to tell Melania he beat Abraham Lincoln, in "contest." (There was a poll where moron paste-munching Republicans said they think Trump is a better president than Abraham Lincoln. Trump probably masturbates his Yeti Pubes with an antique comb while thinking about that poll.)

Here is the part where Trump says he really wants to run against Joe Biden (WE KNOW) because "WHERE'S HUNTER! WHERE'S HUNTER! WHERE'S HUNTER!" After that, he correctly pronounces Pete Buttigieg's name before hereby declaring that "nobody knows how the hell to pronounce his name!" It is weird.

Are you tired yet? We are tired yet.

Trump did all the other stuff you'd expect at his first rally of 2020, of course. He racist-ed about MS-13 and "open borders" and all that crap. In response, the MENSA quorum present said BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO and then they took a break from saying BOOOOOOOOOO to eat some corn nuts they had stored in their belly buttons, probably, we don't know.

Here is the part where Trump gets mad and incites possible violence against the journalists in the press pen:


TRUMP: Oh, they have some bad ones here tonight. There are some really bad ones, some real SICK ones!

All of this is so 2016.

And 2017.

And 2018.

And 2019.

And now it is going to be 2020, so can Democrats and leftists and crypto-anarchists and KHives and Bernie Bros and FUCKING ALL OF YOU GET YOUR FUCKING EYE ON THE BALL so this doesn't have to be our 2021?

Thank you in advance.

[Videos cheated off of Aaron Rupar's paper]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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