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But they won't.


If you have two brain cells to rub together, you heard Sunday's news that the FBI had gone through whatever new Hillary Clinton and Huma Abedin emails it found on Anthony Weiner's Hard Dick Drive and found that there was no "there" there, and you were like "Yeah no shit, Carol," because you call the FBI "Carol" for some reason. However, if you are Donald Trump or his poorly behaved, Russia-loving adviser, former Lt. Gen. Michael Flynn, you automatically said NUH UH NOT EITHER, because your tiny little bird brain cannot comprehend how the agency could have gone through 650,000 emails in just eight days. Here is Trump saying that is UNPOSSIBLE:

“You can't review 650,000 emails in eight days," Trump said Sunday ... "You can't do it folks. Hillary Clinton is guilty.”

Donald Trump simply can't imagine! First of all, reading is tough, and you have to move your lips the entire time to make sure you're sounding out the words good in your brain, so how could the FBI read all those emails so fast?

Here's Flynn on Twitter:

This is the man being rumored as Donald Trump's possible secretary of defense. For real. (SHHHH, don't worry, he's not eligible for the job. Also SHHHH, don't worry, Donald Trump will never be president.)

[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/608320/fbi-director-james-comey-haha-you-guys-my-bad"></a>[/wonkbar]Now, if you are S-M-R-T, you are probably banging your head against your keyboard because you don't understand how people this D-U-M even exist. But remember that Donald Trump does not use email. Literally the only thing he knows how to do on his Obamaphone is hunt and peck out mean, poorly worded tweets about everybody who makes fun of him. Michael Flynn is just a fucking moron. Do these jackholes think in order to read through 650,000 emails -- only a small fraction of which had anything to do with the Hillary thing -- that you have to dial up your AOL and wait for the nice, soothing man voice to tell you that "You've Got Mail" and then LITERALLY READ EVERY SINGLE EMAIL? Moreover, are they aware that the FBI has more than one employee? Fix these idiots, Jesus!

If you want to get into the actual science of how, for real, it's not that hard to sift through 650,000 emails, filter out the irrelevant business, and so on and so forth, Wired has a great 'splainer:

One former FBI forensics expert ... tells WIRED he’s personally assessed far larger collections of data, far faster. “You can triage a dataset like this in a much shorter amount of time,” says the former agent, who asked to remain anonymous to avoid any political backlash. “We’d routinely collect terabytes of data in a search. I’d know what was important before I left the guy’s house.” [...]

Next, the agents could filter out duplicate emails from those they’d already analyzed in their months-long investigation earlier this year. According to multiple media reports, the vast majority of emails the FBI examined over the last week were, in fact, duplicates. Those copies could be spotted by their message ID, points out [forensic expert Jonathan] Zdziarski, a unique alphanumeric identifier ...

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ WE ARE SLEEPING NOW BECAUSE OF ALL THOSE DETAILS. But for real, though, for people who are actual experts in the field, it's not complicated stuff. Yay, experts! (For Trump supporters who might be reading, an "expert" is a person who knows a lot of stuff about a thing. Now, we know "knowing things" is cheating and means the FBI is #rigged for Hillary, but fuck you.)

For a simpler explanation, we go to Edward Snowden, who used to do this sort of work before he became either a dirty traitor or a magical hero, depending on how you feel about Snowden, which is irrelevant at the moment:

If that still seems confusing, a simple translation of Snowden's tweet is "Computers Is Fast." All these newfangled techno gadgets the Kids These Days have sure are impressive!

[wonkbar]<a href="wonkette.com/608106/hot-take-maybe-james-comey-is-stupid-and-craven-and-terrible-and-the-worst"></a>[/wonkbar]In fact, Wired points to a cybersecurity consultant named Rob Johnson asking why it took so damn long for the FBI to go through these emails, or why James Comey couldn't have gotten his damn warrant and taken care of this little problem before sticking his damn nose into the presidential election. We are for curious about the same thing, but we don't want to dwell on it because screw Comey. Hopefully President Hillary will force him to go live on the moon after she is inaugurated, and he'll never bother anybody ever again.

Anyway, the point is that computers are magic and Donald Trump and his supporters should be required to wear helmets for their own protection.

[Wired]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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