The media is doing a halfway decent job explaining why Donald Trump's "solution" to the "problem" he manufactured up inside the dark crevasses of his flaky grundle folds is not really a solution at all. On Wednesday, we covered some of the immediate reasons Trump's executive order "ending family separation" is bullshit, since it seeks to put families in jail TOGETHER, and it seeks to do that INDEFINITELY, which runs right up against the Flores consent decree, which says, in legal terms, "YOU CAN'T FUCKIN' DO THAT, ASSHOLES." It also does nothing to address the cruel and stupid "zero tolerance" policy Trump and Jeff Sessions invented.

We wanted to take a quick look at some of the other problems with it, starting with how the Justice Department has confirmed that, despite the language of the order that instructs the attorney general to beg for an exception to Flores, so they can keep families in jail for more than 20 days, Flores is still very much operable:

It's clear the Trump administration really thinks it might be able to get around Flores, and the Pentagon is looking at several military bases to see if they can be converted into Trump Family Prisons real fast. Hey, maybe the US government can pay the Trump Organization to renovate them on the cheap! That would be a nice grift, don't you think?

In short, if they can't get around Flores AND they refuse to budge on zero tolerance, then BING BONG, family separation starts again and it's the evil judges' faults! If they can get around Flores, then hooray! Internment camps!

And what of the kids already sitting in baby jail? Are we hopping and skipping and jumping to find their mommies and daddies? Haha, no! They crossed the border before Trump signed his useless order, so they are still le screwed, and no, there is no fucking plan for family reunification for those people. But don't worry, everyone! HHS spokesperson Brian Marriott says family reunification is their "goal," and it's good to have goals! Lose 15 pounds by Valentine's Day! Un-destroy thousands of Central American families! As long as they have a plan to reach their goals, oh wait we just said they don't. Well fuck.

Let's take a closer look at a couple of instances of extremely weasel-y language in the EO that Trump and Sessions spent half a day writing. (Since the original draft of the order misspelled the word "separate" in large print on the first page, you can be sure they weren't spending hours proofreading -- they were writing weasel words.)

It starts at the top:

No, this is not another joke about how the original text said "Seperation" like a common idiot who can't spell "separate." We note that the very title preemptively blames Congress for when it all inevitably goes wrong. Remember, Trump and Sessions created this problem!

Moving right along:

When an alien enters or attempts to enter the country anywhere else, that alien has committed at least the crime of improper entry and is subject to a fine or imprisonment under section 1325(a) of title 8, United States Code. This Administration will initiate proceedings to enforce this and other criminal provisions of the INA until and unless Congress directs otherwise.

Did you know US Customs & Border Protection (CPB) is actively preventing people from going to legal border crossings and asking for asylum? This is because they don't actually want people asking for asylum, so they're turning them away like a common BABY JESUS -- they might as well be literally saying "no room at the inn!" -- and then punishing them when they try to come in another way, because these people actually do need asylum.

Law professor Anil Kalhan notes in an excellent Twitter thread that if Trump is so obsessed with following our laws, he probably should follow the laws of the Refugee Convention, which has been ratified as US law. He is not following those laws. For instance:

And we might have mentioned this before, but a first time illegal border crossing is a fucking MISDEMEANOR.

Moving on:

It is unfortunate that Congress's failure to act and court orders have put the Administration in the position of separating alien families to effectively enforce the law.

That is, to put it politely, bullshit. But it's another indicator of who President Fuck Baby is planning to blame when he doesn't get his way!


It is also the policy of this Administration to maintain family unity, including by detaining alien families together where appropriate and consistent with law and available resources.

Always pay attention to the words Wonkette bolds for emphasis, so you can see the WEASEL WORDS! They will keep families together, except for when they can't, and no matter what, it will be somebody else's fault.

In short, this executive order is a giant piece of shit, and even though we said it yesterday, we wanted to say it again. As half of legal Twitter concluded yesterday:


Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT NOW, DO IT RIGHT NOW!

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[Trump's dumbass order]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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The producers of your favorite live-action Jack Chick pamphlet, "God's Not Dead" -- you know, the one where the Hercules dude plays an evil philosophy professor who tells all of his students on the first day that they are no longer allowed to believe in god? As all secular professors do? -- have come out with a thrilling new movie, all about how abortion is bad or whatever.

The movie tells the "true" story of Abby Johnson, a former Planned Parenthood clinic worker turned professional anti-choicer. Johnson has been a darling of the forced birth circuit ever since she made up ridiculous and provably false reasons for quitting the Planned Parenthood that was about to fire her for being bad at her job.

Basically, she claims that Planned Parenthood was pushing her to make more abortions happen so they could reel in more dough, and also that she witnessed (for the first time ever!) an ultrasound-guided abortion and saw the baby move from the light and then immediately realized that what she was doing was wrong.

The thing is, however -- no ultrasound-guided abortions were performed on the day she said it happened, and the only reason there was an uptick in abortions at her clinic was because they started offering the abortion pill on a daily basis (and had previously only been performing surgical abortions every other Saturday).

As you may have guessed, the movie does not address any of these things. It also looks very, very bad.

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Ever since Ruth Bader Ginsburg successfully underwent surgery for lung cancer, conservative sites and message boards have been trafficking in a ridiculous theory that she is actually dead and that there is some kind of Weekend at Bernie's-esque conspiracy to pretend she is still alive.

Now, one would think that her recent public appearance at a concert held in her honor would have put this to rest. Alas, it did not. Rather, the "researchers" (as they hilariously call themselves) determined that the concert was actually her funeral.

No. Really. That was a thing.

I admit that I gave this a lot more thought than I should have. Like, how did they think this would go? How long did they imagine this would go on for? Why would they risk having a full on funeral concert, open to the press? Wouldn't they just have not bothered to have a funeral at all? And what did these people think was going to happen when it was announced that she died for real? Or did they think that we were going to pretend that she is immortal and thus never announce her death? It's so confusing!

Being very up to date on the "RBG is secretly dead!" nonsense, I was very curious about which way the "anons" would go with this when they announced her return to work on Friday. They did not disappoint!

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