Trump Lawyers Know What Is A Crime And It Is Saying Donald Trump Did Crimes

Never bet on the Republican Party actually breaking with Donald Trump. That tangerine loon just cost them the Senate again, and they're still kissing his saggy ass. But in the wake of the House January 6 Select Committee's announcement Monday that they're referring Trump to the Justice Department for criminal prosecution, the Red Team has been noticeably quiet. Even Rep. Jim Jordan is madder about Matt Taibbi's latest bullshit Twitter thread than he is about the committee making a non-binding recommendation to the DOJ. Also he is ready to investigate the fuck outta Operation Fast and Furious, because what year is this?

Even Elise Stefanik is phoning in her performative outrage and couldn't be bothered to tap out a tweet thread.

"House Democrats and Vicious Never Trumpers, who were run out of Congress by the American people, continue to desperately and unconstitutionally target President Trump and Republicans. The American people see through this partisan charade, which is why they fired Nancy Pelosi once and for all. The Republican Majority will hold House Democrats accountable for their illegitimate abuse of power," she typed into Google docs, quickly screenshotting and posting it, before heading back to eBay to check on the bidding for her integrity. Ughhh, no buyers! But Christmas came early in the form of a shout out from Trump. Ho ho ho.

And so it has mostly fallen to Trump's lickspittles to defend him in the media. And by lickspittles, we mean his lawyers.

"The American people don't want this. This committee hates the American people. Democrats and this establishment hate the American people. They don't care about what the American people want," blarped his attorney Christina Bobb to One America News, her former employer before she got on Trump's payroll. "If they did, they would be thinking twice and they would pause before doing something so drastic as recommending that they charge President Trump with criminal charges and try to prevent him from running."

Alina Habba, who was recently sanctioned by a federal judge for filing that insane garbage RICO suit alleging that Hillary Clinton conspired with James Comey to murder Trump with the Russia investigation, is sure that this is a sign of her client's manly strength. Why else would they be attacking him if not to keep him from coming back to the White House in 2025?

"The goal of this kangaroo court, this sham committee, was always to make sure Donald Trump is never president again. How do you see this playing out," asked some random dude from Newsmax whose name you couldn't possibly care less about.

"They'll do anything to try and stop Trump at the moment," Habba agreed somberly as images of undocumented immigrants flashed on the screen behind her. Because what else would you play during this interview?

Habba opined that Attorney General Merrick Garland is "hiding behind" Special Counsel Jack Smith, and any charges will have to wait for Smith to open an investigation — a truly bizarre statement in light of the fact that there's been a grand jury investigating the Capitol insurrection for months, and Trump's White House lawyers as well as Mike Pence's top aides have all fought and lost claims to assert executive privilege as to portions of their testimony.

But the prize for craven hackiness goes to Alan Dershowitz, late of Harvard Law School and apparently his faculties. Dersh, who represented Trump in the first impeachment, took to Newsmax to explain that it is actually UNLEGAL for Congress to refer anyone for criminal prosecution.

"Congress has no power to recommend prosecution. There is a provision of the Constitution against bills of attainder. Those were parliamentary indictments of unpopular people by name," he explained, correctly if irrelevantly. Indeed the ban on bills of attainder would block the Senate from passing a law that said Donald Trump is a criminal who should go directly to jail. But here on Planet Earth, all they did was say "Hey, Merrick Garland, you up?" That's not gonna stop Captain Underpants, though.

"The spirit behind bills of attainder is separation of powers, that you don't let Congress decide who to prosecute. So not only should this be ignored and thrown in the wastebasket, but the Justice Department should reprimand Congress for even trying to suggest who should be prosecuted," Dersh said, invoking the entirely fictitious standard which he forgot to mention when Republicans told the DOJ to lock up IRS official Lois Lerner or Obama's Attorney General Eric Holder. And in three months when they criminally refer Dr. Anthony Fauci for whatever insane bullshit Senator Rand Paul pulls out of his tightie whities, it seems pretty unlikely that he'll ranting to Newsmax from inside his fishbowl photo gallery.

In summary and in conclusion, get a load of these wankers. Amen.

Click the widget to keep your Wonkette ad-free and feisty. And if you're ordering from Amazon, use this link, because reasons.

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)


©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc