Trump Maybe About To Shoot Jeff Sessions In Middle Of Fifth Avenue

Somehow we are rooting for him because everything is upside down.

Your demented American president awakened on the wrong side of his crib Tuesday morning. Again.

Oh yes, he is still so very pissed off, because Attorney General Jeff Sessions decided to follow the law and recuse himself from the Russia investigation, instead of helping Trump consolidate his tinpot dictator power. You see, if Sessions wasn't recused, he could fire that mean special counsel Robert Mueller, who is being very unfair by doing exactly what Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein told him to do, and investigating collusion between the Trump campaign and Russia, AND ALSO any other things that come up related to that investigation. He's following the money! He might be leafing through Trump's tax returns RIGHT THIS SECOND.

So now, Jeff Sessions is doubleplus ungood in Trump's eyes. Jeff Sessions, the lovably racist Alabammy leprechaun man who was Trump's first and most loyal supporter. Jeff Sessions, who before now would paddle up shit creek against the current with his bare hands just to win the president's approval.

God damn Donald Trump, for accomplishing the impossible, by making Wonkette actually root for Jefferson Butterbean Sessions.

So what's up? Is Trump just fucking around and tormenting Jeff Sessions because he can? According to the New York Times's Maggie Haberman, that's part of it:

Of course, Trump is also doing this because he really really really REALLY wants to fire Jeff Sessions, or even better, bully him into resigning:

You see, if Trump fires Sessions or convinces him to quit, then he could put in an attorney general willing to wipe his ass with the Constitution and subjugate the rule of law to the petulant fuckbaby wishes of Donald J. Trump, the barely elected Complainer-In-Chief, and fire Mean Man Mueller.

So will Trump's bullying convince Sessions to resign? Probably not! Reportedly, Sessions tried to see if he could figure out a way to kiss and make up with Trump, like maybe if he went out in the backyard and wrestled a squirrel to death with his bare teeth and brought it back to Trump for dinner, wagging his tail like a pleased dachshund, but "that effort did not go anywhere." According to the Daily Beast, now Sessions is just PISSED, and also calling bullshit on Trump's malarkey. He was defiant last week, after Trump's initial public attack in the New York Times, saying he would stay on as long as it was "appropriate," because he fucking KNOWS he was being a very good boy when he recused himself.

“Sessions is totally pissed off about it,” said a Sessions ally familiar with his thinking. “It’s beyond insane. It’s cruel and it’s insane and it’s stupid.”

The Daily Beast notes that, aside from this little Russia thing, Sessions is kicking ass and taking names at the Justice Department, if by "kicking ass and taking names," one means bringing back sexxxy things like civil asset forfeiture and mandatory sentencing, going after our nation's most violent pot-smokers, protecting racist cops, and other fun stuff like that. OMG and he hates Mexicans like SO MUCH and he wants to BUILD THAT GODDANG WALL. To shine a light on just how beloved Jeff Sessions is in the racist, backwoods, deplorable pig turd constituency of American society, click here to read DEAD BREITBART shitting on Trump for starting this fight with him. By all rights, Trump should be hiring Russia's finest pee hookers to give Sessions as a token of his appreciation for everything he's doing to Make America 1957 Again.

So, the Daily Beast says, "Sessions insiders predict that the Attorney General [will] call Trump’s bluff" and sit around picking corn out of his teeth while daring the president to fire him.

According to the AP, Trump is floating the idea of firing old Jefferson Beauregard, but that doesn't mean he'll actually follow through. Even Newt Gingrich says Trump is just being "honest about his feelings" and blowing smoke out his ass. The White House has thrown out trial balloons for a Sessions replacement -- like what about scowling, cross-dressing thug Rudy Giuliani? Nah. Besides, Giuliani said Sessions did the right thing in recusing himself, which means he is probably an unperson now. Wait, what about Ted Cruz?! Above The Law makes a good argument for why Ted Cruz probably wouldn't want the job, considering how the attorney general position is where political careers go to die. Wonkette would add that Cruz wants to retain as much power as he can, and he's probably smart enough to know that if he took the position and then Trump tantrum-fired him in six months, he'd be nothing more than a powerless, unemployed foreign Canadian who eats too many cans of soup.

But those would be regular nominees, who would have to be confirmed by the Senate. What if, as many are suggesting, Trump fired Sessions, then waited for the Senate to adjourn in August and then recess-appointed somebody he REALLY LIKES, like maybe the re-animated corpse of Hitler or Kid Rock, to be attorney general? HOLY SHIT, right?

Here, have some Rachel Maddow, talking at you about that possibility:

Fucking scary, yeah?

But Brian Beutler at The New Republic argues that, in practice, a recess appointment would be more difficult for Trump than it seems at first glance, because of how Republicans made it WAY harder for presidents to do recess appointments back when Obama was president. Here's the key passage:

The Supreme Court’s 2014 decision in National Labor Relations Board v. Noel Canning meaningfully circumscribed the recess appointment power, making it unconstitutional for a president to make such appointments unless the Senate adjourns for a formal recess.

A determined minority can thus effectively void the recess appointment power until the official end of the congressional term in January, by holding pro-forma sessions that keep the Senate technically in business. To fully recess, Democrats would have to agree to an adjournment resolution. If Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell wanted to do Trump’s bidding, he could introduce such a resolution (to adjourn until, say, the day after Labor Day) but Democrats could filibuster that resolution, which would give way to a messy floor fight, and test of wills, that Democrats would probably win.


The good news is that the prospect of Trump firing beloved Republican former senator Jeff Sessions for stubbornly insisting on following the law is finally getting the GOP's back up, and they're gearing up to act as constitutional check on the unhinged power of a wannabe dictator president HAHAHAHAHAHA WE CANNOT EVEN FINISH THIS SENTENCE WITHOUT LOL-ING.

Here's a transcript of Speaker Paul Ryan, being a craven pussy about the possibility of Trump firing Sessions:

Meanwhile, Senator Lindsey Graham is Tweetering about "I do declare!" and "Oh my stars!" but we'll see if he grows a dick if/when Trump pulls the trigger. (SPOILER: No.)

So that's where things are right now. Everything is fucked, and the best possible scenario here is that Jeff Sessions remains attorney general of these United States.

God has abandoned us.

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[AP / The Daily Beast]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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