The lonely and sad and loser president of the United States called his therapists at "Fox & Friends" to talk for over an hour on Wednesday morning. We guess he was feeling extra lonely and sad and loser, and needed to talk it out with people paid to care about him. Maybe he was reeling from the reception to his batshit Axios interview, and decided to solve it the only way he knows ā€” by doing another batshit interview.

Aaron Rupar from Vox was, of course, watching it so you don't have to, and collecting videos.

The hosts started by asking what Trump thought about Hillary Clinton saying yesterday that it's pretty obvious Trump is using his powers to sabotage the US Postal Service in order to ratfuck the election in his favor. He did not remotely say "I am not sabotaging the US Postal Service" so we will just assume Hillary was spot-on and post her tweet while we cancel culture Trump's answer.

Let's move on!


Trump just literally made up a bunch of shit about coronavirus, even worse than usual. He said coronavirus will be no big by November, even for the old balls from Ranch Dressing Villages he needs to vote for him. "By the time we get there we'll probably be in very good shape." And why? Because to Trump, November seems like a very very very long way away. How long? So long you can't even draw a Sharpie all the way to it on a map!


TRUMP: November 3, timewise, that's an eternity, frankly, as far as I'm concerned! For Trump, that's eternity!

Love it when he refers to himself in the third person, like a very stable genius.

But what if there is a second wave, Brian Kilmeade asked? Trump said we could have a second wave, but actually other people are having second waves, not America (which is still drowning in its first).


TRUMP: Nobody talks about some of these countries. [...] they're having massive second waves now! Italy has a wave going. A lot of countries are having a [second wave] -- but nobody ever talks about that. We have done an incredible job in this country, an incredible job.

Almost 5,000,000 confirmed cases, 159,000 Americans dead. How many more before Trump is done? The sky's the limit, we guess, since the only thing Trump is good at is letting Americans die of coronavirus. Also, as Rupar noted, Italy had 190 new cases yesterday, whereas the US had 51,185. Maybe that's why nobody is talking about "some of these countries," because they're too busy gawking at American body bags.

Trump bitched and moaned about the "Democrat states" who don't want to open up schools and businesses, he said our new jobs numbers are going to be AWESOME this week, just like they were last week (they were not), and he continued to spread dimwitted conspiracy theories about how Democrats only want to stay closed to hurt him in the election, because of how everything is about him. (Insert evergreen comment about what a broken man Trump is.)

Then he talked about the schools, which should open NOWRIGHTNOW, and you know why? Because coronavirus is "going way, it will go away like things go away." That's right, "IT WILL GO AWAY LIKE THINGS GO AWAY." Also he said children are "almost, and I would almost say definitely, but almost IMMUNE from this disease." Did you know children were almost, you could almost say definitely, IMMUNE from coronavirus? (They are not. They also can be super-spreaders to more vulnerable people. Here is a new article about researchers seeing a link between COVID-19 and neurological side effects in kids. And yes, kids are dying from it.)

What does Trump want to do in a mythological imaginary second term? He dunno. Where's Trump going to do his RNC acceptance speech, since he keeps having tantrums and canceling conventions? Well, he'd like to do it from the White House, because of how he abuses his power every moment he is awake.

Who funds Antifa, which is mostly an imaginary monster that lives under Donald Trump's bed? He says "they say (((Soros)))," because of how Fox News and the GOP have an unhinged anti-Semitic conspiracy theory that (((George Soros))) funds all opposition to them, because they can't deal with the fact that yes, really, for real, most Americans fucking despise them, and we don't even need to be paid secret Soros bucks to show it.

Trump also whined in this clip that the signs he sees at anti-Trump, anti-murder-by-police rallies are too nice and "were made in a high-class printing shop." He likes signs that were "made in a basement," because "they mean a lot more." Just like homemade birthday cards from Eric, we guess.

Trump, of course, repeated his rehearsed line that "nobody has done more" for Black people than Donald Trump, except maybe Abraham Lincoln, just like he said in his Axios interview, and just like he said the day before that and the day before that and the day before that and the day before that. It is one of the only two sentences he has memorized about Black people.

Finally, how will Trump fix racial issues in this country? Well, have you heard about the Black unemployment rate? That is the second sentence has has memorized about Black people.

Trump concluded his answer about racial issues by talking about himself some more. Somehow he ended up getting derailed and talking about record home sales. It was weird.

A little over an hour on "Fox & Friends."

Oh well, it's not like President Lazy Ass had any actual work to do, because he doesn't do work.

[h/t Rupar for the videos and the CliffsNotes version]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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