Trump Mourns Loss Of Single Greatest Achievement: His 'Home Alone 2' Cameo
Impeached President Donald Trump was probably home alone for Christmas again. He ignored the attempts three spirits made to save his soul and instead reflected on past glories. There is none greater than his brief cameo in 1992's Home Alone 2: Lost in New York. The Home Alone sequel was about as necessary and beneficial to humanity as the first one. It's the Eric Trump of movies.
Trump, who is still the president ... of America ... got real mad on Twitter yesterday when he discovered that his breakout performance was cut from a Canadian broadcast of the film.
He doesn't mean Justin Timberlake. The commander in chief is referring to Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau. The scene, which is neither funny nor plot relevant, was cut in 2014 to make room for commercials. Canada's prime ministers are usually sane so they wouldn't demand that someone was edited from a feature film out of political spite. Trump was also just a reality TV star and Birther crank in 2014. Oh, and Trudeau himself didn't take office until 2015. How hard is it to check this?
Home Alone 2 Donald Trump www.youtube.com
It's not just Trump who's a moron. "Fox & Friends," which is where President Grandpa gets most of his news, went bonkers over the edits yesterday. The panel refused to accept that a movie was edited for time so a network could sell more crap to people. Katie Pavlich, the after-Christmas sale Ainsley Earhardt, cried CENSORSHIP like a Ghost of Christmas Stupid.
To save you the trouble of watching the film or even the attached clip, here's a quick and dirty breakdown of the plot: Macaulay Culkin, who is now older than Pete Buttigieg, reprises his role as that rapscallion Kevin McAllister. This absurdly rich everyman character is all set to spend Christmas in sunny Miami with his family, but he somehow boards the wrong plane and winds up in New York. Apparently no one, least of all his parents, learned anything from the first film. This "sequel" is just a remake with a bigger budget. Pretty Woman came out the same year as the original Home Alone. Imagine if there'd been a 1992 sequel where Richard Gere just does the same thing again but without Julia Roberts. You actually don't have to imagine it. I might still have the film treatment I wrote in college.
Kevin heads to the Plaza Hotel, like a common Daisy Buchanan. He bumps into Citizen Trump, who owned the luxury hotel at the time. He even married his second wife, Marla Maples, there. Trump would sell it in 1995 for an $83 million loss, because he's a loser. Kevin asks Trump where the lobby is, and this is where the film lost me. Isn't he already in the lobby? Most of my hotel experience up to that point involved very easy to find lobbies. This is also where the film officially veers into fantasy because Trump actually helps Kevin. He doesn't tell him to fuck off or try to charge him for the directions. Trump is billed as himself but he's obviously not playing himself. Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern surviving all their Looney Tune injuries is more realistic than "friend to tourists" Trump.
Doctors Diagnose The Injuries In Home Alone www.youtube.com
And then there's this:
Never. Listen. To Trump.
In 1994, the Plaza Hotel was bankrupt and Trump's "fixer" Abraham Wallach tried to convince the Kwok brothers, one of the richest families in Asia, to buy the property and let Trump continue running it into the ground. The elder Kwok brother and his family were put up in a room at the Plaza but the door jammed, imprisoning them inside for hours. Hotel security had to break the door down with hatchets. No one wants to buy a clingy hotel that wouldn't let them leave, so Wallach had to break the news to Trump, who demonstrated the same emotional maturity in the face of crisis that we recognize from his Twitter rants.
"[Trump] was very calm at first. 'A door jammed? What do you mean a door jammed?' " recalled Wallach. Then, "It was as if a tsunami and an earthquake had hit at the same time. There were loud shrieks from the 26th floor. 'A door jammed? A door jammed?' "
Trump ran over to the Plaza, "and he started firing people: 'You're fired! You're fired! You're fired!' He even fired people who didn't work at the hotel, who were guests," Wallach recounted.
Yes, Trump fired people who weren't even guests, like a "billionaire" Yosemite Sam. Home Alone 2 director Chris Columbus said that Trump would only let them film in the Plaza Hotel if he had a cameo. That is perhaps the single greatest trade deal of Trump's career.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).