How Bad Is President Idiot-Fucks Idiot-Fucking NATO Today? REAL BAD, Y'ALL.
Did you wake up this morning terrified to see what the idiot president of the United States has been doing in Belgium at the NATO summit? Is he destroying it with a million cuts? Is he going to just pull us out of the decades-old alliance and leave the world hanging? Who knows at this point!
Watch this video of the bilateral breakfast Donald Trump had with the secretary general of NATO and see if you come away horrified. SPOILER, if you come away horrified, that means you have common sense and/or have read a book and/or were not born yesterday:
What was your favorite part? Was it when Trump went off on an absurd tangent complaining about how Germany is bad because Germany did a pipeline deal with Russia, which means now Germany is a "captive of Russia" inside Trump's sniveling snot brain, therefore we shouldn't have to pay for their defense? (Merkel is PISSED.) Was it when Trump got up in NATO Secretary General Jens Stoltenberg's face and yelled words about how none of the countries in NATO are paying their fair share, demonstrating yet again that he has a fundamental misunderstanding of how NATO funding works? Was it when he suggested that these other countries actually owe the United States money? Was it when he repeated all those things multiple times like a dementia patient who only remembers 100 words? Frankly we're surprised he didn't just start yelling "WALL!"
It was like arguing with an obese orange toddler who demands to know why you park on the driveway and drive on the parkway. It's just INAPPROPRIATE, if you ask him, and you don't even have to ask him, because he's going to tell you right now, and when it's your turn to talk, he's going to interrupt you to say it some more, because on top of being an absolute moron, he's fucking rude.
Everything Trump said echoed this whine tweet he sent before his trip:
As we noted, fuckin' idiot has no fuckin' clue how NATO works. Let's review:
Member nations agree to contribute a certain percentage of their GDP to defense, with a goal for all nations to hit two percent by 2024. The US is way over two percent, because the US has a defense spending erection that has persisted way more than four hours and should definitely call a doctor. The UK has hit the two percent goal. Other countries aren't there yet. As Josh Marshall points out at Talking Points Memo, the United States started to encourage member nations to contribute more -- again to their own defense budgets, as part of NATO -- back in 2014, which, if you'll remember, was during the Obama administration.
And yes, in terms of real numbers, we pay more, because we're MUCH BIGGER. And we're increasing our own defense spending, because WAR TANKS BOMBS PENIS GRRRRRRR! But for Trump to act like member nations somehow owe us money is goddamned stupid on the level of goddamned stupid we've come to expect from President Shit Mouth.
And it's not like we get nothing from NATO! For one thing, NATO is an insurance policy that says that if any of these nations are attacked, if somebody else out there (Russia) decides to start a world war, America and these 28 other nations are a united front. For another thing, you know how we have all those military bases all over Europe? They're not just there for shits and giggles, it turns out! Because of NATO, it means that America's defensive line starts way over there in Europe, as opposed to, you know, at Martha's Vineyard, where Alan Dershowitz is probably currently naked.
NATO doesn't just help us with war either -- back when Hurricane Katrina decimated New Orleans, NATO was right there helping with literally whatever the United States needed, and the alliance did a HECKUVA JOB, BROWNIE with that. Thanks, NATO! Of course, Hurricane Katrina involved black people losing their homes, so MAGA trash probably doesn't care.
And speaking of MAGA trash! Jonathan Chait has an excellent piece that notes that, while it's true that other member nations in NATO actually are increasing their spending commitments, Trump is strangely not taking credit for it like he usually takes credit for everything. In the video above, you'll note that Secretary General Stoltenberg attempts to kiss Trump's ass and say this is happening because of Trump's "leadership." But a "win" isn't what Trump seems to want here, and the way he's been talking about NATO to his MAGA trash is a clue that what he really wants to do is burn it all down:
At his rally in North Dakota two weeks ago, he said, "Sometimes our worst enemies are our so-called friends or allies, right?" At a subsequent rally in Montana last week, the president declared, "Our allies in many cases were worse than our enemies." Trump understands the power of repetition, and it is notable to see this allies, they're the worst, amirite formulation becoming a staple of his rhetoric.
But Putin? Putin's FINE! He's not KGB, he's people!
Chait notes that Trump's propaganda to his people is working:
According to a recent poll, just 40 percent of Republicans think the U.S. should should stay in NATO, while 56 percent of Republicans consider Trump's relationship with Vladimir Putin good for the United States.
And that's how fascism blossoms, children! You take a cohort of people who don't know fuck-all about anything and you start filling their brains with "details" that make them feel "smart," like how our allies are the worst and owe us all the money, and Putin is fine because he's VERY NICE AND SEXXXY PEOPLE, and before you know it, majorities of Republicans think NATO is shit and Putin is #BeBest.
We don't know if Trump is acting this way at NATO because he's seriously as mindfuckingly stupid as he seems (yes, he definitely is), or whether Vladimir Putin, with whom Trump will be having a secret love meeting later this week, is truly his handler/real dad (yes, he definitely is) and this is what he has instructed his most valuable intelligence asset/best boy ever to do, in order to reorder the world for Russia's benefit. What we know is that he is doing it.
Last night, the Senate took the very rare and bipartisan step of voting 97-2 for a nonbinding resolution (it was the least they could do!) reaffirming America's continued commitment to NATO. Obviously they did this because they were fucking freaked out, like HOLY SHIT WHAT IS THAT MORON GOING TO DO? Truly, nobody could have seen this coming, except for how Trump has acted like this toward our oldest allies since FORFUCKINGEVER.
Of course, whatever damage Trump does at the NATO summit, people -- including our NATO partners -- are even more worried about what's going to happen when he gets under the covers and starts gossiping about boys later this week with Putin. Will he pull American troops out of Germany, like he's been threatening? Will he continue his calls for Russia to be forgiven for invading Crimea, because according to his compromised logic, everybody in Crimea speaks Russian anyway, so it's probably NBD? Will he continue to do literally everything Putin could have ever dreamed of an American leader doing?
Guess we'll just have to stay horrified while we watch and find out!
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