President Whine-Baby Climbs Into Maggie Haberman's Arms, Cries It Out
Donald Trump hates Maggie Haberman. He says so on Twitter! But actually he loves her, and when the dog bites, when the bee stings, and when he's feeling sad, he simply remembers BIG MAC and WALL, and after a cry session with Maggie Haberman, then he doesn't feel so bad.
So yeah, we got a New York Times interview with Trump. SPOILER, it's batshit.
First of all, we should note that, at least as of last night, his little heart had given up completely on Congress letting him do another shutdown over WALL, and that he was sobbing loudly that if Nancy Pelosi, or as he calls her, "Nancy," won't let him have it, he'll just say NATIONAL EMERGY three times fast, and then WALL will magically appear.
"I think Nancy Pelosi is hurting our country very badly by doing what's she doing and, ultimately, I think I've set the table very nicely," Mr. Trump said. While he would not directly say that he plans to declare a national emergency to build the wall, he added: "I've set the table. I've set the stage for doing what I'm going to do."
Oh Mr. President, say what you really think about Pelosi.
"I've actually always gotten along with her, but now I don't think I will any more," Mr. Trump said. "I think she's doing a tremendous disservice to the country. If she doesn't approve the wall, the rest of it's just a waste of money and time and energy because it's desperately needed."
There it is! I THOUGHT NANCY PELOSI WAS MY FRIEND BUT NANCY PELOSI PULLED MY HAIR AND TOLD EVERYBODY MY MOM STILL WRITES MY NAME ON MY UNDERPANTS!
Therefore, if he doesn't get WALL, he won't do any border security, because there's no such thing as border security without WALL.
"I'll continue to build the wall, and we'll get the wall finished," he said. "Now whether or not I declare a national emergency — that you'll see."
You'll see. YOU'LL SEE!
The interview is peppered with descriptive phrases from Haberman and her colleague Peter Baker, who say they did the interview after Trump initially asked for an off-the-record dinner with New York Times publisher A.G. Sulzberger, who told him to fuck off. They say he's "defiant." They say he "spoke with a low voice, his arms folded tightly." They don't say anything about whether Mick Mulvaney, Bill Shine, and Sarah Huckabee Sanders had to forklift Trump onto his presidential changing table during the interview, to take care of the stinky he made in his diaper, but they note that those idiots were present for the interview.
They say Trump was "sipping periodically from a glass of Diet Coke with ice cubes floating in it," so the reader really gets a sense of how the ice cubes were interacting with the Diet Coke. Trump told them Rod Rosenstein had assured him he's not a target of Robert Mueller's investigation, and we definitely believe that happened. He said he never talked to Roger Stone about WikiLeaks, so that's probably another lie, but also said he was really disturbed by how the FBI treated Stone like a common unarmed black man. Regarding his constant witness tampering on Twitter, he said NO WITNESS TAMPER! NO WITNESS TAMPER! YOU ARE THE WITNESS TAMPER!
They also say he was handing out printed copies of his tweets, because that's normal.
Trump talked about how being president was a poor financial decision for him, which we guess makes it like all his other financial decisions:
"I lost massive amounts of money doing this job," he said. "This is not the money. This one of the great losers of all time. You know, fortunately, I don't need money. This is one of the great losers of all time. But they'll say that somebody from some country stayed at a hotel. And I'll say, 'Yeah.' But I lose, I mean, the numbers are incredible."
Mark it down, presidential historians, he just said the American presidency is "one of the great losers of all time." Then he changed his mind and said "the numbers are incredible," and no, we have no idea what the fuck he meant by that.
Will he quit after one term, so he can go find some more money? No, he says. "I love this job." Considering how he seems to work approximately one and one half hours per week, we think we might like it too!
He's not worried about primary challenges from Republicans, but he does seem to be very worried about one of his Democratic challengers. You know, the one with the funny name he's unable to say and the big crowds.
"I would say the best opening so far would be Kamala Harris," he said, pronouncing it "Kameela." "I would say in terms of the opening act, I would say, would be her." He added, "A better crowd, better crowd, better enthusiasm."
We fuckin' knew Kamala Harris's crowds were going to freak him out. When we saw throngs of human beings in Oakland show up for Harris, the only Democratic candidate so far to have anything like that, one of our first thoughts was "OMG, Trump is gonna lose it." So please, readers, go to as many Kamala Harris events as you can, to make her crowds as BIGLY as possible, in order to ruin Trump's day.
Trump says Elizabeth Warren has been destroyed by this whole "Pocahontas" thing, because being the literal actual historical woman "Pocahontas" was really the only thing she was ever really known for, we guess:
"I do think Elizabeth Warren's been hurt very badly with the Pocahontas trap," he added, using a favorite slur to refer to the senator's effort to prove she has Native American heritage. "I think she's been hurt badly. I may be wrong, but I think that was a big part of her credibility and now all of a sudden it's gone."
We ... don't think Donald Trump actually knows many things about Elizabeth Warren. But sure, OK!
Finally, Trump talked about that thing that happened this week, where all his own intel chiefs went in front of the Senate Intelligence Committee, and between the lines of every statement they made they called the president of the United States a fucking know-nothing jackass crazypants prick, because that is what he is. (Also probably a Russian agent.) Literally everything they said, and everything in the Worldwide Threat Assessment just released by DNI Dan Coats -- which is based on, you know, facts and Intelligence -- contradicts every single squirrel-brained thing Trump believes.
Mr. Trump said the intelligence chiefs told him their presentation was misinterpreted. "They said, 'Sir, our testimony was totally mischaracterized,'" Mr. Trump said. "I said, 'What are you talking about?' And when you read their testimony and you read their statements, it was mischaracterized by the media."
O RLY? The media "mischaracterized" that hearing that was livestreamed without media commentary? This is the most pathetic attempt at gaslighting he's ever made, and that's saying A LOT.
It's true that Trump forced his intel chiefs into the Oval yesterday and made them sit with him and tell them what he wanted to hear. After that we imagine they went to a bar together and commiserated over the daily trials and tribulations of secretly running the country while President Yip Yap sends love notes to Putin on Twitter.
Considering that you should always believe the exactly opposite of whatever President Lie-Fucker says, here's 12 minutes of all the things the intel chiefs said, compiled by Lawfare and unfiltered by the opinions of the FAKE NEWS:
In summary and in conclusion, it was a very good New York Times interview with the president, by which we obviously mean it was terrible.
But we're glad President Bad Mood got to have his Maggie Haberman time. After all, it's probably one of the only things keeping him from pulling out the nuclear football and mashing the buttons to the tune of "Nobody Loves Me, Everybody Hates Me, Guess I'll Blow Up The Whole Fucking World."
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