How Bad Is Trump Gonna F*ck It Up With Kim Jong Un, On A Scale Of One To 'Oops, I Gave Ivanka To North Korea'?

Donald Trump's Valentine wish has finally come true! He is in Vietnam right now meeting with Kim Jong Un, who sends him beautiful letters, the sexxxiest letters, spritzed with the finest fragrances North Korea has to offer, which caused the president of America to fall in L-O-V-E! (No really, Trump said that. No word on whether or not they've consummated it, or if that's what the Hanoi trip is really for.) Trump fucking adores dictators, and in doing this summit, Trump has yet another chance to fuck it all up and embarrass himself on the world stage, which is what happens every time Trump goes on the world stage to do anything.

Hey pop quiz: How bad did Trump fuck up his last summit with Kim Jong Un in Singapore? If you picked "So bad, holy shit! He canceled American joint military exercises with the South Koreans without telling the American military or the South Koreans, because President Art Of The Deal believed every lie Kim Jong Un told him, and moreover, he just really wanted to get the free toaster Kim said Trump would get if he placed his order in the next five minutes," you are CORRECT! And the free toaster NEVER CAME.

This is going to be like that, except probably stupider in some heretofore unimaginable way.

Kim Jong Un took a train ride to get to Hanoi that took over two days, perhaps because he just really likes trains and they are safer than planes, or maybe because the North Korean government's airplane FALL DOWN GO BOOM and the choo choo was the only option, since Kim didn't want to borrow a plane from China like he did last time he met Trump. That's right, Donald Trump is currently kissing the ass of a guy whose country is held together with duct tape, and who can't even cash in Delta SkyMiles for a quick flight across the continent. If Wonkette was president of Whole World, we'd say you don't get your ass kissed by the American president under such circumstances, but hey, what does Wonkette know? (Everything.)

To understand the backdrop of this non-historic summit, one must understand that the president's own people are talking to reporters off the record, openly worrying that the North Korean leader is going to run circles around President Brain Wizard (again), same as always happens when Trump meets with a foreign leader or a six-year-old selling Girl Scout cookies. Politico reported last week that they -- again, Trump's own people -- are worried that he'll give Kim a bunch of unnecessary presents, like maybe a US troop withdrawal from South Korea, in exchange for VERIFIABLE HORSESHIT denuclearization promises from Kim. (He's been wanting to do that for a while now!)

NBC News reports:

"'One of the worst possible outcomes is he makes some crazy deal pledging to withdraw U.S. troops for a vague promise of denuclearization,' said one former senior U.S. official."

Or maybe Trump could give North Korea normal diplomatic relations with the US!

Maybe he will offer to build Trump Tower condos on the pristine beaches of North Korea! (No, for real, he has suggested that.)

Maybe he will offer Kim his firstborn child! (That one could be a win-win, TBH.)

Politico reminds us that, just recently, during the Worldwide Threats hearing in the Senate Intelligence Committee, DNI Dan Coats and CIA Director Gina Haspel explained very slowly that North Korea isn't giving up its nukes no matter what the Orange Pussgrabber promises them, though they said it nicer than that. (But not nice enough, because Trump got real mad at them afterward for saying non-Russia-approved talking points, and now there are rumors Coats might get you're fired if Trump can find somebody with bigger balls to fire Coats for him.)

The point is, EVERYBODY is worried. Trump's intel people are worried. Even Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, a Trump asslicker if there ever was one, is reportedly worried. Politico notes that bipartisans in Congress are even making moves to stop Trump from giving away the store after the fact, if, as everybody predicts, Trump gives Kim the whole store in exchange for nothing. Again.

Politico quotes National Security Advisor John Bolton, sorta telegraphing what useless bullshit this all is, way back in December, since North Korea is actually still building its nuclear arsenal and has no intention of stopping:

Bolton said bluntly in December that the North Koreans had not honored even the vague pledge, made in a joint declaration that came out of last year's Singapore summit, to "work toward complete denuclearization of the Korean Peninsula." Since then, satellite images revealed that North Korea has continued to build out a number of hidden missile bases whose existence it has never acknowledged.

NO MISSILES! NO MISSILES! YOU ARE THE MISSILES! Besides, whatever John Bolton and Mike Pompeo are telling Trump about the North Korean nuclear program, Vladimir Putin is telling him something different, and TRUMP DOESN'T CARE, HE BELIEVES PUTIN. (Seriously, that is not a Wonk-a-joke, Trump literally said in an intelligence briefing about North Korean missile capabilities that HE DOESN'T CARE what his own intel people say, he BELIEVES PUTIN, as per the new book from Andrew McCabe.)

And speaking of Putin! Would you be shocked to learn the Trump administration has been humping Russia's leg lately, asking for advice on how to handle this summit? Any excuse for Trump to hump Putin's leg we guess. Also would you be shocked to learn that for some odd reason, Sergei Lavrov, the Russian foreign minister Trump jizzed code-word Israeli intelligence all over in the Oval Office, is also going to be in Vietnam this week, for some reason?

This is all just great and totally normal and America is the laughingstock of the world and we can't wait until the sexxxy hot tub pix of Trump and Kim leak, just kidding, Sergei Lavrov, please don't hide in the bushes and take pictures of that under any circumstance, ain't nobody wanna see that, THE END.


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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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