Trump Not Bunker Baby, Trump INSPECTOR BUNKER BABY!
Here's a good one for your Trump Lying For No Reason file.
"It was a false report. I wasn't down," Trump said during an appearance on "Brian Kilmeade Show" on Fox Radio. "I went down during the day, and I was there for a tiny little short period of time, and it was much more for an inspection. There was no problem during the day."
OK. And this is what made him so upset that he orchestrated a declaration of fascism involving an upside-down Bible using a church that doesn't want him as a prop, and resulted in the gassing of the priest of that church.
That'll show America to make fun of Trump hiding in bunkers! That's #InspectorBunkerBitch to you! Say his name!
What, pray tell, did Trump have to "inspect"? Like, whether there were enough night lights in the bunker, just in case it was very dark when he got down there and he was scared there might be a monster? To make sure there weren't any Deep States hiding under the bed? To make sure Barack Obama wasn't going to lock him behind a very big and strong "ObamaGate" in a secret chamber in the bunker, which would be the biggest crime?
What, Donald, what is it, what did you have to "inspect"?
"They said it would be a good time to go down, take a look, because maybe some time you're going to need it."
That does sound like the Secret Service! "Sir, we know you are very busy Doing President Stuff like tweeting and pooping, but if you could spare a minute, we need to take you down to the White House bunker during the day right now and definitely not at night when you are crying because you are scared that American citizens are outside the White House gates, so you can inspect the bunker. You know, just in case MAYBE you need it at some point, because of how you are so excited, so excited, SO SCARED like a common Jessie Spano."
scared saved by the bell GIF Giphy
There have been many reports on how long Trump was in the bunker, and when, and how it was actually the Secret Service's decision to take him down there. According to CNN's latest reporting, he was down there for a whole hour on Friday night — that's a long inspection, buddy! — and also Melania and Barron were taken to the bunker, which is weird, because we weren't even sure they still lived in the White House.
But no, that's not what happened, Trump says. He says he's only been in the bunker "two and a half times" — no really, that's how many times he told Brian Kilmeade. Clearly we are left to guess (?) one of those times, the "half" one, involved Trump splayed out on the floor with just his head sticking into the bunker but his ass sticking out out of it, while he shouted "NO BUNKER! NO BUNKER! YOU ARE THE BUNKER!"
Anyway, Trump says all two and a half times were for inspection, because that's believable.
In his interview, Trump said he'd visited the bunker previously. He said he'd been there "two and a half times." And he added those, too, were more to get a sense of the space rather than to protect himself from harm.
OK, sure, fine, whatever. Glad you got that important message out to the public, mister president who definitely does not shit his pants a lot.
Wonkette will be sure to clarify at all times going forward that Trump is not Bunker Baby, he is INSPECTOR BUNKER BABY.
inspector gadget GIF Giphy
And people say we're not fair and balanced, pfffffft.
Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE, DO IT RIGHT HERE!
Wonkette is fully funded by readers like YOU. If you love Wonkette, WE NEED YOUR LOVE GIFTS TO KEEP US GOING.