Trump Pardons Turkey
Russian military trucks enter Kobani, Syria, near Turkish border. Voice of America video screenshot

Donald Trump congratulated himself Wednesday on his great success in northern Syria, announcing that all sanctions on Turkey would be lifted because a Russian-Turkish agreement means there'll be no more fighting in the area, at least none that the US will care about. Russia and Turkey reached an agreement earlier this week to jointly patrol the "safe zone" Turkey declared in order to drive out Kurdish militia fighters in the area. The Kurds had been the US's allies in fighting ISIS, but since Turkey considers them terrorists, Trump pulled out US troops so Turkey could wipe them out, following a call earlier this month with Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan.

In an announcement at the White House, Trump took credit for his brilliance in abandoning any US role in the region, because what could possibly go wrong? The Great Man announced,

Turkey, Syria and all forms of the Kurds have been fighting for centuries[...] We have done them a great service and we've done a great job for all of them. And now, we're getting out. Let someone else fight over this long-bloodstained sand.

This conveniently leaves out any possibility that he might bear any responsibility for the chaos that may come next, because they're always fighting anyway. He said Turkey had assured him it will now make its earlier ceasefire (a term Turkey rejected) permanent, although he added that the word "permanent" is "questionable" in the Middle East, because those people are all crazy savages over there, amiright?

The most important thing is that the oil is safe, OK? It's ours, even if it's technically under other people's soil. This time we're gonna take the oil, you bet.

Trump's claim about US involvement in Syria -- "We were supposed to be there for 30 days. That was almost 10 years ago" -- is completely made up; the "30 days" part was just pulled straight out of his Big Mac exit, and the first deployment of US special forces to Syria was in 2015. But we'll admit, time has been working strangely since January 20, 2017.

As for whose blood might be staining the sand, whatever, as long as it's not Americans', you know? Oh, yes, and while we're at it, the Kurdish regions of Syria, Turkey, and Iraq are mountainous. Not a dune to be seen, except in Trump's head, where everyone in the area is a gibbering sword-waving Ay-rab from an old Bugs Bunny cartoon.

Trump said the withdrawal of sanctions against Turkey would be permanent, "unless something happens that we are not happy with" -- the sort of harsh warning against human rights violations that led Erdogan to decide he could invade in the first place. And it all came about so easily! Trump contended that

Countless lives are now being saved as a result of our negotiation with Turkey, an outcome reached without spilling one drop of American blood: no injuries, nobody shot, nobody killed.

All in all, Donald Trump couldn't be more pleased with the international achievements of Donald Trump, who pulled off this whole thing without any bloodshed at all, as long as you disregard blood shed by people he doesn't give two shits about, like that Kurdish politician lady's, and hundreds of other Kurds. And let's not talk about the UN's estimate that 180,000 Kurds have been displaced in the last two weeks, 80,000 of them children. Why should we? Trump sure didn't! (See again: Those people are all crazy, thousands of years, we bear no responsibility except for how Trump greenlit the invasion, but it also just sort of happened.)

Trump took credit for once again having fixed the disaster he caused, insisting, "This was an outcome created by us, the United States, and nobody else. No other nation; very simple." Which we suppose is true if you throw some gasoline on a small fire and then afterwards smile at the smoking rubble, proclaiming "I made this!"

Also true to form, Trump insisted on the exact opposite of reality. Even though Ambassador James Jeffrey admitted in a House hearing yesterday that over 100 ISIS prisoners had escaped, and "We do not know where they are," Trump declared, "There were a few that got out, a small number, relatively speaking, and they've been largely recaptured." Not that anyone's counting.

And because reality is what Trump says it is, he proclaimed that everyone else in the world is just as pleased as he is with the great job he did:

Through much work, we have done things that everybody said couldn't be done. Today's announcement validates our course of action with Turkey that only a couple of weeks ago was scorned. And now people are saying, "Wow, what a great outcome. Congratulations."

We're in full Ministry of Truth territory here. Trump's move in Syria has been one of the only things that Democrats, Republicans, and US allies all agree is a disaster. Then again, maybe the people he meant were Erdogan, Vladimir Putin, and Syrian President Bashar al-Assad, plus a bunch of escaped ISIS fighters. It's party time for them!

President Barstool wrapped up his rhetorical Victory Tour by declaring that he absolutely won't won't offer any refuge to any of the tens of thousands of Kurdish refugees his actions created, because -- you guessed it -- Those People are all terrorists. Seems he's already forgotten about the whole "ally" thing. America is so very First that if you think we should take responsibility for the human suffering we create, you're actually in league with terrorists:

The same people pushing for these wars are often the ones demanding America open its doors to unlimited migration from war-torn regions, importing the terrorism and the threat of terrorism right to our own shores.

Then, on his way out of the room, Trump completely ignored a reporter's question about the reality gap between Ambassador Jeffrey's testimony and the Great Man's claim that all ISIS prisoners were recaptured. Everyone cheered and shouted "Congratulations!" for his accomplishments.

And now Trump is looking forward to inviting President Erdogan and his goon squad for another visit at the White House. He'll enjoy hearing from someone who really appreciates what a fine job Trump has done.

[Reuters / WaPo / BBC / WaPo / Vox]

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Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


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