Some Florida Idiot Ranting About Suing The Pulitzers Or Something

Kids, we don't think Donald Trump is taking very well the hilarious implosion of the John Durham special counsel investigation to prove Hillary Clinton rigged the 2016 election against herself because she just really likes doing Russia hoaxes to Trump. By "hilarious implosion," we don't mean that Durham's mustache imploded upon itself and now he is just a pile of mustache on the ground. But a jury sure did come back and say Democratic lawyer Michael Sussmann had done nothing wrong and certainly had not lied to the FBI, which was the one thing Durham had managed to indict him for.

Trump idiots really thought they were holding the keys to the conspiracy with the Sussmann case. They were huffing their own paint. They sounded like idiots, but they believed it. They were gonna be vindicated.

And then a jury came back and said "LOL."

So Donald Trump got on Truth Social yesterday, to whine into his tiny megaphone about the verdict.

In case you can't read that, here is the transcript:

Our Legal System is CORRUPT, our Judges (and Justices!) are highly partisan, compromised or just plain scared, our Borders are OPEN, our Elections are Rigged, Inflation is RAMPANT, gas prices and food costs are “through the roof,” our Military “Leadership” is Woke, our Country is going to HELL, and Michael Sussmann is not guilty. How’s everything else doing? Enjoy your day!!!

Oh dear. That has got some serious "Can't Divorce Me If I Divorce You First!" energy. We'd say the random capitalizations look even more illiterate than usual, but honestly they don't, he just isn't very good at English.

But it's so funny that he ends on "Michael Sussmann is not guilty," like the American people have really been following this case, like anybody cares. Nobody who lives outside the fart bubbles in Laura Ingraham's bathtub has any fucking idea what this is even allegedly about.

But Donald Trump does. He believed the hype Fox News manufactured for his sole benefit. He believed Durham was going to vindicate him.

As if to show just how pathetic Trump's belief in his impending vindication really was, a bit later yesterday afternoon, Fox News reported on a letter Trump sent, dated May 27, which said he was going to SUE the PULITZERS if they don't TAKE AWAY the AWARDS they gave to the RIGGED NEW YORK TIMES and the OVERRATED WASHINGTON POST for their stories on RUSSIA HOAX! He has yelled about this before, but now he's SUING! (He is not suing.)

Former President Donald Trump is calling on the Pulitzer Prize Board to revoke prizes awarded to the New York Times and Washington Post in 2018 for their coverage of the Russia investigation, threatening legal action if they do not comply.

Did you know you can sue if you don't like who an organization that has nothing to do with you gives awards to? Pissed that Taylor Swift did not let Kanye West finish and Beyoncé therefore didn't get that one Grammy? You are suing!

In a letter to Pulitzer administrator Marjorie Miller, Trump noted that he twice previously made the request, stating that the reporting on the years-long probe was based on false information.

It was not. Trump just has a wet on the back of his underwears because he's mad.

"There is no dispute that the Pulitzer Board's award to those media outlets was based on false and fabricated information that they published," the former president said. "The continuing publication and recognition of the prizes on the Board's website is a distortion of fact and a personal defamation that will result in the filing of litigation if the Board cannot be persuaded to do the right thing on its own."


The letter, dated May 27, references "additional recent evidence" and calls on the board "to pay close attention to the developments in the ongoing criminal trial of Michael Sussman [sic], the former attorney for the 2016 Clinton Campaign."

Again, very few people were paying close attention to the developments in the ongoing criminal trial of Michael Sussman [sic], because the case against him did not fucking amount to balls. It was irrelevant. John Durham is a goddamned joke and anybody who was holding out hope based on his investigation is a bigger joke.

But anyway, if the Pulitzers perchance read this letter and were paying close attention to the developments in the Sussmann case, yesterday must have been a pretty funny womp womp trombone moment. We doubt they were scared of Trump actually suing, since he so often does not follow through on his scream-y threats.

Fox News reports that Trump also begged the Pulitzers to look at the 2019 report from Justice Department Inspector General Michael Horowitz on the origins of the Russia investigation, because of how it had also vindicated him. Friends, that report took 476 pages to painstakingly debunk every conspiracy theory in Trump's leaking brain, but it did not vindicate him.

"Together with the publications that have obsessively promulgated disgustingly false attacks against me, you have done all you can to destroy my reputation," Trump said, asking, "how do I get my reputation back?"

You don't.

The end!

[JoeMyGod / Fox News]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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