Trump Reassures Fretful Nation He Can Still Write His Name With A Sharpie

Trump

Donald Trump never wanted to contract COVID-19, but he did. Trump reportedly didn't want his positive diagnosis to become public, but it did. Now, he's trying to spin his illness as deserving of a Purple Heart. This will succeed as well as his other plans.

Goya bean spokeswoman Ivanka Trump tweeted a photo Saturday of her father in his suite at Walter Reed hospital.

According to recent polls, nothing can stop the president from “working for the American people" except for the American people themselves, who are overwhelmingly rejecting him. Ivanka Trump has probably never personally experienced an honest day's work, so she thinks we'll be impressed by the a photo of the president “reviewing" documents and signing his name to blank pages — you know, upstanding president stuff.

Trump's a real workaholic. Even though on an average weekend when he's not hospitalized, he's playing golf. If he was swinging a nine iron in his swank hospital digs, we'd know he was fully recovered. Now I just think he's delirious, probably hallucinating a full rally crowd in the room with him as he sings “I'm Going Home."


Never one to be outdone in the race to inherit his father's debts, Eric Trump boasted Sunday about the president's much vaunted work ethic. The man watches more Fox News than a racist retiree and tweets more frequently than a spoiled tween whose parents don't impose any screen time restrictions.

Jon Ostrower, editor in chief of The Air Current, pointed out that the two photos of Trump hard at work, despite his illness, were taken just 10 minutes apart at 5:25:59 pm and 5:35:40 p.m. Saturday. As former Homeland Security staffer Olivia Troye could confirm, 10 minutes probably stretches the limits of Trump's focus and concentration. Maybe he just finds blank pages more compelling than security briefings.

What's appalling, while not surprising, is that this pair of sociopathic jackals thought these photos were effective PR. Trump is still crawling with coronavirus but his people forced a photographer into the room with him. He still won't wear a damn mask because he's incapable of taking the disease seriously. He's not Prince going on stage with the flu and killing "Purple Rain" again (and that obsessive zeal might not have been great for his longterm health). Trump is seriously ill. He should not be working. The blank pages will have to wait.

It was confirmed yesterday that Trump is on dexamethasone, which can cause changes in mood and behavior. In Trump's case, any alteration to his existing personality is an improvement, but just on principle, this seems like a 25th Amendment issue.

Meanwhile, Trump's buddies in state media, Fox News, have presented Trump as “resilient" and a “warrior." Greg Gutfeld said on “The Five" that Trump took risks with COVID-19 “for us."

GUTFELD: He was going to walk out there on that battlefield with you, and not sit somewhere in a basement.

Trump wasn't on a “battlefield" or more specifically a hospital or sadly a school where people have died. He possibly got sick because he threw a big, unsafe party to celebrate someone's promotion. That was hardly essential work.

Fox News host Steve Hilton suggested that Trump bouncing back, better than ever, could serve as a "metaphor for the recovery of the country." More than 200,000 Americans are dead.

Brian Kilmeade at "Fox & Friends" claimed that the president contracting a disease he'd downplayed for months could actually help him win the election. That's ludicrous even for him.

KILMEADE: In the big picture, there could be a good message sent here to the American public — you can get it, you can be a senior and you can beat it and go back. […] This is another thing, the most famous person in the world gets and beats it, correct?

According to a study from July, eight out of 10 people who died from COVID-19 were 65 or older. Trump might've beat similar odds when he won the Electoral College, but that doesn't mean he's on a streak. This is still an incredibly deadly disease for people in Trump's demographic, and it could be dangerous if his recovery encourages at-risk populations to start behaving as irresponsibly as the president.

The upside is that most Americans aren't as dumb as the Fox News brain trust. ABC News released a poll Sunday showing that 72 percent of Americans believe the president failed to take the "risk of contracting the virus seriously enough" nor "the appropriate precautions when it came to his personal health." They don't think he's a mighty warrior. They think he's a big dummy.

Americans are also more concerned, not less, with contracting COVID-19. Sorry, Trump, but Joe Biden is going to win this election from the safety of his tastefully decorated basement.

[Media Matters / ABC News]

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).

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