Trump Resumes Coronavirus Briefings For Ratings Gold, Oops, We Mean Public Health

White House

Hooray! Our national plague of afternoon sobriety is over, as the White House announces it will resume daily coronavirus briefings after a three-month-long hiatus. Drink up, kids!

"I was doing them and we had a lot of people watching, record numbers watching in the history of cable television. There's never been anything like it," the president told reporters in the Oval Office this afternoon. "It's a great way to get information out to the public as to where we are with the vaccines, with the therapeutics."

Ratings gold, or horrified rubbernecking? Eh, same difference.

You may remember those briefings as hours-long rantfests, where everyone praised the Dear Leader and promised that this COVID problem was totally under control thanks to his wise stewardship, spiced up with a little abuse for Democratic governors. You may also remember they they got canceled after Commander Biglybrain got bored of hyping Hydroxybonercream 3000 and speculated about the possibility of injecting bleach and sticking a tanning bed up your ass to murder COVID molecules.

Trump Suggests Injecting Disinfectant Into The Body To Treat Coronavirus | MSNBC

TRUMP: So, supposedly when we hit the body with a tremendous, whether it's ultraviolet or just very powerful light, and I think you said that hasn't been checked, but you're going to test it. And then I said supposing you brought the light inside the body, which you can do either through the skin or in some other way. And I think you said you're going to test that too. Sounds interesting, right? And then I see the disinfectant, where it knocks it out in one minute. And is there a way we can do something like that by injection inside or almost a cleaning because you see it gets in the lungs and it does a tremendous number on the lungs, so it'd be interesting to check that so that you're going to have to use medical doctors with, but it sounds interesting to me. So, we'll see, but the whole concept of the light, the way it kills it in one minute. That's pretty powerful.

In April, Trump's minions begged him to STOP TALKING, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, since every time he opened his mouth, Joe Biden's polling got better. And today would seem an odd time to go back to addressing the nation, what with Trump openly at war with his scientific advisers. The White House is releasing oppo research on Dr. Anthony Fauci, and the administration blocked CDC Director Robert Redfield from testifying to Congress last week. Even Dr. Deborah Birx, who apparently wanders around the White House blithely predicting that everything is just great, never better, won't stand at the podium and endorse Trump's wacko plan to open every school in America at full capacity. So we'll probably get Jared Kushner and Mike Pence warming up the crowd with vapid assurances that a vaccine is right around the corner, followed by and hour of freeform blarping from President Loudstupid.

Hey, put that bleach down, it's not that bad! You don't ever have to watch that shit.

"The president wants the American people to know what the federal government is doing," White House spokesliar Kayleigh McEnany told Fox News. "It's why he'll be resuming those 5 p.m. briefings starting tomorrow, to talk about Remdesivir and convalescent plasma and these innovative therapeutics only made possible by President Trump tearing down barriers." Oh, yes, he tore down the barriers to medical innovation with his giant, manly hands. Say thanks, ya bunch of heathen ingrates!

But Kellyanne Conway, whose time in the White House appears to have sapped her will to live, couldn't even be bothered to pretend it wasn't a blatant electoral stunt.

"The president's numbers were much higher when he was out there briefing everybody on a day-by-day basis about the coronavirus. Just giving people the information," she told Fox. "I think the president should be doing that."

Hahaha, that liar knows this is going to be a disaster. Criminy, at this rate we'll be drunker than Judge Jeanine before dinnertime.


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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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