Donate

Stop us if you've heard this song before:


O RLY?

Beloved readers, travel back with us to the 2016 campaign season! (Yes, we realize that is like asking you to take a time machine to hell.) Do you remember the latter months of the campaign, how Trump got onstage every single goddamn time and whine-bitched about how the election was going to be #RIGGED against him? We can now safely surmise that he was Doing A Thing, getting his followers ready for what he and everyone else thought was his inevitable loss. And we can now pretty safely guess Trump was well fucking aware of what the Russians were doing for him.

Instead of losing, though, he squeaked out the weakest of "wins" by peeling three Rust Belt states off by 78,000 votes, thanks to help from his friends Vladimir Putin and James Comey. Suddenly, nothing was #RIGGED, was it?

But what if he had lost? Think he would have believed in Russian interference then? Sure as fuck! He would have been screaming to high heaven about how the Russians ACTUALLY interfered to help Hillary Clinton win.

Christ Jesus, we've heard a ton of stuff like this from Fox News and Republican members of the House, as they advance conspiracy theories about how somehow Hillary Clinton and the FBI Deep State were conspiring to steal the election from ... Hillary Clinton? Dunno, they really are fucking morons and they haven't thought it quite through yet.

But oh my god, if the Democrats take back one or both houses of Congress in November, does anyone actually think Trump's stable of stable geniuses on Fox and in the House GOP won't be ready and willing to join him in caterwauling about how the Dems just stole the election, and the RUSSIANS HELPED? Does anyone think they won't do this despite how Vladimir Putin stood next to Trump and endorsed him for president after the fact in Helsinki, which kind of gives us the tiniest hint as to what Putin's into, in an electoral way? They will demand Rod Rosenstein appoint a second special counsel to investigate it, assuming Rosenstein hasn't been YOU'RE FIRED by then.

Here's what we know. In 2016, the Russians meddled BIGLY to help Donald Trump win. Special counsel Robert Mueller is still investigating just how deep that conspiracy went. We also know with 100% certainty that Vladimir Putin has kompromat on Donald Trump, even if it turns out that kompromat is simply that he helped Trump win, and he knows it, and Trump knows it. (There's probably way more though.)

And despite what Trump's dumbfucking tweet up there says about him being "tough on Russia" -- LOL, we know about the temper tantrum the president threw about having to do Russian sanctions -- there is nobody in America with a triple-digit IQ who can't see that Trump's ass is a wholly owned subsidiary of Putin's Russia. Even people who were previously skeptics are coming around, after seeing Trump make Stinky In Helsinki while Putin gazed approvingly at his intelligence asset. Guess some people just needed a visual aid to CONNECT THE DOTS, MORANS!

In 2018, Democrats are fired up and ready to go, in every state and in every district. Turn-out is off the charts and all signs point to a massive blue wave in November that will take the House and maybe even the Senate.

And when/if that happens, we'd better all be ready for Trump to suddenly believe 100% in Russian interference, and lie through his teeth on a daily basis about how Dems only cleaned up because the Russians did it for them. Don't worry, he won't make the Russians mad, because Putin will be in on the scam. Hell, they might've talked about it in Finland during their super secret one-on-one meeting! Shame the GOP-led Senate won't do its patriotic duty and subpoena that translator so we can find out.

Trump's intel community won't back him up on his lies, of course. If they say anything, they'll confirm Russian interference campaigns, and they might even admit they were designed to help Republicans (some of them probably successfully!), but they'll continue to say that despite all that, there's no evidence a single vote was changed. Trump, likewise, will continue punching the intel community in the dick.

The team at Sam Bee fixed Trump's tweet, by the way:

Yeah, we're gonna fucking vote like our lives depend on it in November. Because they do.

But the fight's not over after we win. It's not over until the next Congress -- whether it's fully Democratic or a Dem House and a GOP Senate -- is SEATED. And even then, LOLOL just kidding, the fight's not over yet, until that crusty orange motherfucker's ass is out of office FOREVER.

And even then, LOLOLOL we kidded you some more, the fight will not be over because we have to make sure shit like this never ever ever ever EVER happens again in America.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT NOW, DO IT RIGHT NOW!

Help Wonkette LIVE FOREVER! Seriously, if you can, please help, by making a donation of MONEY.

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

Donate

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Newsletter

©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc