the look of relief

There is much news about special counsel Robert Mueller's investigation into whether Donald Trump, his campaign, or any of his associates, had unnatural relations with Russia, but we're not going to cover it. HEAR US OUT.

Sure, you might think it's interesting that some low-level dingbat Trump campaign foreign policy adviser named George Papadopoulos spent his entire time with the campaign annoying Paul Manafort and others about setting up meetings with Russians (including Vladimir Putin, allegedly!), which, according to the Washington Post, is evidence that, if nothing else, "Russians were looking for entry points and playing upon connections with lower-level aides to penetrate the 2016 campaign," which sounds not at all unlike the email chain that led Manafort, Donald Trump Jr., and Jared Kushner to take a fateful meeting at Trump Tower in June of 2016 with the entire population of Russia.

You might think it's pertinent that the Daily Beast is reporting on a crazy, never-completed $850 million New York real estate deal involving Paul Manafort, a Vladimir Putin ally and a Ukrainian oligarch/organized crimer, that just reeks of money laundering. You might even think we should pick apart this investigation from Adam Davidson in The New Yorker, about a weird Trump Organization licensing deal with oligarchs in Georgia (the foreign one, not the "Designing Women" one) that just has F-R-A-U-D written all over it. About that one, Trump lawyer Jay Sekulow said specifically and on the record that if Robert Mueller starts digging into it, he's prepared to file a complaint against Mueller with Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein.

Maybe we should look into those things. Except PFFFFFFFT you are wrong, because some dude at the American Thinker, a blog for wingnuts, has produced the seminal work on why the Trump-Russia investigation is a big hoax, which means we won't have to cover this story anymore EVER AGAIN.

That is just obviously TRUE. In the criminal justice system, when a special counsel has literally no evidence, he goes to a judge and says, "Give me a warrant to break into some dude's house in the middle of the night and rifle through his panty drawer FOR NO REASON." And when the judge suggests doing "Knock Knock Motherfucker" during the day, the special counsel will say, "No, this will trick the fake news media into keeping the story going, and besides it just has more flair." At which point the judge will usually reply, "Oh OK," because the judge is part of the swamp Donald Trump promised to drain.

Just wrap your brain around this fucking #logic:

What’s an inside-the-Beltway swamp creature to do in this situation? [...]

... [W]here to look for a crime? Where to find a technical violation? Where to find that piece of paperwork that was not properly filed?

Let’s dig into the 30-year portfolio of the man who represented the worst of the worst -- Ferdinand Marcos, Jonas Savimbi, and Viktor Yanukovych, the deposed president of Ukraine.

That’s Paul Manafort, but unfortunately for Mueller, he is cooperating openly with the Congressional Russia investigation.

The swamp is not going to let witness cooperation become an obstacle.

Raid his house, knock on his bedroom door on a sleepy morning, scare the heck out of him and his family, and show him the swamp means business. The drama alone makes the story interesting.


Jay Valentine, whose first tour de force for the American Thinker is a 2009 piece entitled "Sarah Palin, the 21st Century 'It' Girl" (how's that for evidence this dude has his finger inside the zeitgeist?), explains that Robert Mueller, the Republican former FBI director and one of the most respected public servants in all of Christendom, only took the special counsel job because it gave him "the chance to overturn an epic election mistake by uninformed American deplorables and be the darling of the swamp for a generation." How could Mueller reject being this generation's America's Next Top Swamp Darling?

But when Mueller got going, according to Valentine, he looked behind the refrigerator and down in the basement, but there was NO EVIDENCE. He knows this for several reasons:

  • Uh, you do not get to blog for the American Thinker if you are not A Expert? Come on, guys.
  • Mueller is investigating Manafort's fucked up business dealings (and maybe money laundering!) with Russian and Ukrainian crimers, which means he obviously came up dry on Trump-Russia stuff. It's definitely not because he's in the process of getting Manafort to flip. Remember, this is the American Thinker blog, which features AMERICANS who THINK.
  • Seth Rich. No, fucking seriously, Seth Rich.
  • Something Seymour Hersh said, which is sad, because Hersh used to be an amazing investigative reporter, but things have really gone downhill with him the past few years. We're still waiting with bated breath for part two of his investigation on Obama staging the Osama bin Laden raid, just in case Hersh is able to exclusively report that Bamz and Hillary faked killing bin Laden to cover up #PizzaGate.
  • That incoherent, insane thing The Nation published, that "proves" the 2016 DNC hack was faked, except for how it "proves" no such thing. Insert #PizzaGate joke about The Nation here too, because these days we wouldn't be all that surprised. (WHICH IS SAD.)

Not convinced yet? Is that not enough incontrovertible evidence Robert Mueller is at a dead end, and is just making up shit so he can stay onstage and sing and dance a while longer? Good thing Jay Valentine, American Thinker, saved the best for last, then! He says we can know with certainty that the entire Trump-Russia investigation is a hoax, because here's why:

If Mueller had anything, his team would perform the honorable leftist action and properly leak it to the Washington Post and New York Times.

This dude just really knows how stuff works, and you can't fool him.

Thanks to his painstaking work on this blog post (his ELEVENTH for the American Thinker in just NINE YEARS, so don't go thinking this is his first rodeo, you dicks), Wonkette won't get fooled NO MORE NEITHER.

Wonkette salaries are fully paid by lovely souls like you! If you love us, click below to pay us some money!

[American Thinker]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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