Trump's Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Week In Court

It wasn't a great week in court for the famously litigious ex-president. In fact, it was downright terrible for Donald Trump, from beginning to end. Perhaps we should all offer him support by forking over $50 for a "patriotic-themed" NFT from Melania's new collection? Or we could just point and laugh instead?

Yeah, let's go with that one.

On Monday, the DC Attorney General's lawsuit against Trump's presidential inauguration committee was revived when a DC Superior Court judge ruled that the trial court had wrongly dismissed the Trump Organization from the case. This means that the DCAG will get to interview Don Jr.'s BFF Gentry Beach and longtime Trump CFO Allen Weisselberg. So now they'll finally get to ask about how the committee came to spend upwards of a million dollars at Trump's hotel, at what appear to be inflated rates, and in one instance, on a party he himself didn't even attend.

That same Monday night New York Attorney General Tish James put a Dear John letter from Trump's longtime accounting firm Mazars USA on the public docket as further proof that the Trump Org financials are hinky and thus she should be able to depose Poppy, Deej, and Vanky about them.

"We write to advise that the Statements of Financial Condition for Donald J. Trump for the years ending June 30, 2011 - June 30, 2020, should no longer be relied upon and you should inform any recipients thereof who are currently relying upon one or more of those documents that those documents should not be relied upon," the firm said.

Naturally the Trump Organization raced to respond that the letter was just PROOF that Trump's "statements of financial condition do not contain any material discrepancies. This confirmation effectively renders the investigations by the DA and AG moot.” Because it's fun to say silly things!

And former President Galaxy Brain was feeling very silly indeed, so he had his spokesloon put out a statement admitting that he knew all about those financials, and actually they weren't so accurate after all.

“Remember, when the Attorney General and or District Attorney say they think my financial statements may be high, I don’t even include these branding numbers in them, which is far more than any discrepancy they may have, if there is a discrepancy at all," he bleeted.

James immediately filed the statement as an exhibit with a motion noting that "It is not unusual for parties to a legal proceeding to disagree about the facts. But it is truly rare for a party to publicly disagree with statements submitted by his own attorneys in a signed pleading—let alone one day after the pleading was filed," and observing, "Mr. Trump knows what the Statements of Financial Condition say, and he professes intimate knowledge of his company, its assets, and their values."

And Lemon, it's only Wednesday!

Thursday was a hearing in New York Supreme Court on the motion to quash the NYAG's subpoenas for Vanky, Deej, and Poppy. It was a three-ring shitshow circus, thanks largely to Trump's wacko lawyer Alina Habba, who Eric Trump is forever promising is just about to bring the pain to AG James. Habba appeared to think she was on Newsmax, shouting inanities about Hillary Clinton spying on Trump Tower, lobbing ad hominem attacks on James, and making an absolute hash of the law itself.

To be clear, they were always going to lose — their case is ridiculous. But that hearing was humiliating, and because it was remote, we all got to see it in real time.

Justice Arthur Engoron issued his ruling within a few hours, eviscerating each and every one of the Trumps' claims and ordering them to testify within three weeks.

“This argument completely misses the mark," he wrote, dismissing the legal argument that AG James had converted her civil investigation into a criminal one and could no longer use civil subpoenas to compel their testimony.

As for Habba's inchoate ranting about James's bias, the court noted that "Attorney General James, just like Respondent Donald J. Trump, was not deprived of her First Amendment rights to free speech" and promising to sue him and "be a real pain in his ass" does not rise to the level of prosecutorial misconduct.

He also wrote "in passing, and in dicta" that the Trump Organization's characterization of the Mazars kiss off as somehow giving them a clean bill of health "is reminiscent of Lewis Carroll ('When I use a word, Humpty Dumpty said ... it means just what I chose it to mean — neither more nor less'); George Orwell ('War is peace, freedom is slavery, ignorance is strength'); and 'alternative facts.'"


So please be patient, you guys, Eric is a little bit up in his feelings right now.

Meanwhile his father is caterwauling that the case "represents an unconstitutional attack on our Country — and the people will not allow this travesty of justice to happen."

"It is a continuation of the greatest Witch Hunt in history — and remember, I can't get a fair hearing in New York because of the hatred of me by Judges and the judiciary. It is not possible!"

Yes, yes, shit talk the court, dude. That's always a good plan.

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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