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It was a beautiful day! It was Super Bowl Sunday, the day the American people come together and eat millions of calories while watching The Sporting, and Dana Perino posts pictures of hot wet shit in a crock pot on Twitter, and nobody knows why, but for one day everybody is united in asking the question, "Why Dana Perino do that?" After the footballing is over, Tom Brady makes out with an old man on live TV and then everybody passes out and spends Monday being sleepy. TRADITION!

So of course, Donald Trump had to fuck it all up by doing a TV interview.

But he said a sane thing! No, honest! He said a normal human being thing, and not only that, it was a normal DAD thing, about how he would feel if his son Barron wanted to play football:


MARGARET BRENNAN: Would you let your son Barron play football?

PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP: It's very, it's very tough question. It's a very good question. If he wanted to? Yes. Would I steer him that way? No, I wouldn't.

MARGARET BRENNAN: Why?

PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP: I wouldn't. And he actually plays a lot of soccer. He's liking soccer. And a lot of people, including me, thought soccer would probably never make it in this country, but it really is moving forward rapidly. I- I just don't like the reports that I see coming out having to do with football—I mean, it's a dangerous sport and I think it's- I- it's- really tough, I thought the equipment would get better, and it has. The helmets have gotten far better but it hasn't solved the problem. So, you know I- I hate to say it because I love to watch football. I think the NFL is a great product, but I really think that as far as my son- well I've heard NFL players saying they wouldn't let their sons play football. So. It's not totally unique, but I- I would have a hard time with it.

Can you imagine if a liberal had said that? Can you imagine if one of the Democratic presidential candidates had said that they would allow their child to play football, but that because of the constant BRAIN INJURIES, it's not something they'd really encourage, and that they'd have a hard time with it? Oh well, maybe Trump has a certain soft spot about that (on his skull), because he understands what it's like to have a broken brain.

Anyway, mark it on your calendars, because Trump Says A Smart is not something that happens more than once in a Trump presidency, so we guess this means we're on the other side of the mountain.

Trump went right back to being stupid, of course. He said he's not mad at the NFL anymore over all the players kneeling -- at the moment -- and that he sort of understands why players were protesting the treatment of black folks by police, but it's pretty clear he mostly "understands" that now because he wants to take credit for criminal justice reform, which did not in fact solve the problem of racist policing, but DECLARE VICTORY ANYWAY! Also he said there is a time and a place for protesting, and you are not allowed to do it while that patriotism song is playing. And if you think there is still racism, well, have you seen his black unemployment numbers? Did you know all the footballing people are calling him and THANKING HIM for doing criminal justice reform? They all are! It's a thing that is definitely happening!

Trump talked about why the intel chiefs he picked are such morons, because they sometimes say things he doesn't want to hear:

MARGARET BRENNAN: And did you - there was some conversation you had because you went on Twitter and you called them naive and told them to go back to school.

PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP: Well, I think--

MARGARET BRENNAN: What specifically was wrong about what they said?

PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP: I think- let me just say it wasn't so much a report. It was the questions and answers as the report was submitted and they were asked questions and answers.

It was a report.

Anyway, Trump yammered and yammered about how when he became president, ISIS was very bad, but now we've killed them all, except for the ones we haven't, and we're winning Afghanistan, and it's time to bring our boys home, blah blah blah, and if things get bad again in Syria or Afghanistan, we have a magic trick up our sleeve, and it is airplanes:

PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP: And you know what we'll do? We'll come back if we have to. We have very fast airplanes, we have very good cargo planes. We can come back very quickly, and I'm not leaving. We have a base in Iraq and the base is a fantastic edifice. I mean I was there recently, and I couldn't believe the money that was spent on these massive runways.

The fastest airplanes, the goodest cargo planes, INVISIBLE AIRPLANES, and they have runways at the military base and everything, MASSIVE RUNWAYS, totally made for fast airplanes, he couldn't believe it.

Also, in the case of Afghanistan, Trump said he's going to leave "intelligence" over there, but the good kind, not the stupid kind that says things he doesn't think in his heart are true, and if he sees any "nests" happening, he'll fix it.

MARGARET BRENNAN: Is there a scenario where you would keep troops in Afghanistan? A smaller number?

PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP: Yes. And I'll leave intelligence there. Real intelligence, by the way. I'll leave intelligence there and if I see nests forming, I'll do something about it.

So everything will be fine, because President Nest Watcher is paying close attention. He will leave some Intelligence on the ground (the good kind) and we'll keep our base in Iraq, because it's a beautiful base, a gold-plated base, and that way he can keep an eye on Iran, in case it starts nesting. And he promises to listen to the intelligence, unless it says something CRAZY:

PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP: I am going to trust the intelligence that I'm putting there, but I will say this: My intelligence people, if they said in fact that Iran is a wonderful kindergarten, I disagree with them 100 percent. It is a vicious country that kills many people. When you talk about torture and so many other things.

If Dan Coats and Gina Haspel testify to the Senate and say the entire nation of Iran is, in fact, one big kindergarten, where everybody has one of those blue fold-y mats for naptime and everybody drinks Capri Sun, Donald Trump, the president of the United States, will say PSHAW, that does not sound like any "Iran" he has ever heard of, and he will not listen to that "intelligence." (We will have more news on Trump shitting on his intel people and being a giant fucking idiot about it later today, because it's kind of a running theme right now.)

He also said it's OK that he "disagrees" with intel people who say Iran is abiding by the terms of the nuke deal, because George W. Bush had so-called "intel people" who told him Iraq was full of WMDs:

PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP: --I have intel people, but that doesn't mean I have to agree. President Bush had intel people that said Saddam Hussein--

MARGARET BRENNAN: Sure.

PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP: --in Iraq had nuclear weapons- had all sorts of weapons of mass destruction. Guess what? Those intel people didn't know what the hell they were doing, and they got us tied up in a war that we should have never been in.

President History Book, everybody! Who wants to tell him actually it was hawks in the Bush administration like Dick Cheney and AHEM Trump's national security advisor John Bolton who insisted Iraq had WMD, whereas the intel community was going "WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA, THAT IS NOT WHAT WE SAID"? Or would it be useless to say that, because Trump is a fucking moron who doesn't listen to anything that doesn't confirm his preconceived notions? (It is the second thing.)

Funny, then, that two seconds later in the interview, Trump vouched for John Bolton, because John Bolton didn't say all those mean lies to the Senate last week like Dan Coats and Gina Haspel and Christopher Wray did.

Trump said any rumors of Mike Pompeo leaving his post at the State Department are "fake news," and that it's totally great that he doesn't have hardly any confirmed appointees working in his administration right now, just a bunch of "acting" this-and-thats, because "It's easier to make moves when they're acting." So that's horrifying.

He's also straight-up lying and trying to rewrite history on what happened when Jim Mattis left the Defense Department in protest of how Donald Trump is a lying, unmanageable shitbag who is a danger to the entire world:

PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP: When it doesn't get done. Like with General Mattis, I wasn't happy with his service. I told him give me a letter.

MARGARET BRENNAN: He resigned.

PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP: He resigned because I asked him to resign. He resigned because I was very nice to him.

This is exactly

media3.giphy.com

And we know it is exactly

media3.giphy.com

because A) we were there and we got the Wonkette links to help us remember that long ago history that happened just weeks ago, and B) we distinctly remember how Trump was all lovey-dovey about Mattis leaving until somebody read him Mattis's "fuck you" letter and explained to him what all the big words meant and that General Mattis was NOT being nice to him. That's when Trump changed his story and decided Mattis was fired after the fact.

At one point in the interview, Trump talked about how he's going to do a NATIONAL EMERGY if he doesn't get his wall, and said Nancy Pelosi is a bad lady who loves crime and human trafficking. You've heard that all before, and it is stupid.

He also discussed how the love letters he sends back and forth with Kim Jong-un are unbelievable, just unbelievable, you wouldn't believe it if you saw them, Kim just covers fucking everything in glue and glitter and little hearts and Trump rubs the letters he writes Kim on his grundle, to get that scent Kim likes on it, and ...

PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP: I like him. I get along with him great. We have a fantastic chemistry. We have had tremendous correspondence that some people have seen and can't even believe it.

OK.

And finally, there was the obligatory Russia stuff, which can be summed up as NO COLLUSION, NO COLLUSION, YOU ARE THE RUSSIA, WITCH HUNT IS THE RUSSIA, RUSSIA IS MY FRIEND, LET ME TELL YOU 'BOUT MY BEEEEEEST FRIEND, HIS NAME IS VLADIMIR AND HE IS THE BOSS OF ME.

But what about Robert Mueller's 34 indictments? They are "bloggers from Moscow," says the man with the nuclear codes, or they were people "caught telling a fib." Regardless, it has zero to do with him.

Is he cool with the Mueller report being released to the public? "Totally up to the attorney general," because here's why:

PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP: Even the Mueller report said it had nothing to do with the campaign.

Does he ... think he's already read the Mueller report? Or does he just not know what words are coming out of his mouth at any given time? (It's that.)

Anyway, he reaffirmed that it's the attorney general's decision, but also added "I don't know" and "It depends." (ON WHAT? Oh, probably it just "depends" on if it says awful things about him. Newsflash: It's going to.)

Finally, he said, "you have to get rid of the Russia witch hunt, because it is indeed," so we guess that was a fully formed obstruction-of-justice thought in his brain.

And dammit, but CBS News just released another clip on the news this morning, and it is about the upcoming election. He says the "only way" Democrats can win is if they "bring out the artificial way of impeachment," because those is the best words.

Remember up there at the top how Trump said a smart thing?

Yeah, we already forgot too.

[Transcript]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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