Trump: DURRRRRRRRR ADAM SCHIFF WHISTLEBLOWER PHONY EMOLUMENTS OBAMA NETFLIX? OBAMA NETFLIX?!?!?!
White House comms director Stephanie Grisham would like everyone's attention, please:
NO FAKE NEWSIN', says Stephanie Grisham, who may or may not know where her car is right now.
But sure, what the hell, we will be honest with you about what happened when Donald Trump let journalists into his Cabinet meeting today, and the honest truth is that he was honestly bugfuck and we are honestly worried about his leaking brain even more than usual.
We cannot bring ourselves to watch one million videos of this thing, much less transcribe it all, but Trump claiming that Adam Schiff is actually the whistleblower's informant was pretty special, so we will do this part.
This thing is all about a letter that was perfect! You never hear the letter anymore.
It's about a phone call.
It was all about whistleblowers, you never hear, what happened to the whistleblower, they're gone!
They're right here.
Because they've been discredited! What happened to the informant? And where is the IG?
At his office, we guess?
Why didn't the IG read the letter, read the transcript, he coulda gotten it, I guess, I assume! I woulda declassified it for him if I had to do that! Why didn't he read this ...
... and see that the whistleblower's account was totally different than the letter?
Then he woulda said "Oh! There's no problem here!" The whistleblower gave a false account! Now you have to say well, do we have to protect somebody that gave a false account? You know, these whistleblowers, they have 'em like they're angels! OK? So do we have to protect somebody that gave a totally false account of my conversation? I don't know! You tell me!
Do we have to protect the informant? Now I happen to think there probably wasn't an informant.
There ... wasn't an informant? Huh?
You know, the informant went to the whistleblower. The whistleblower had second and third-hand information, you remember that, that was a big problem. But the information was wrong.
It was right.
So was there actually an informant? Maybe the informant was Schiff. It could be Shifty Schiff. In my opinion it's possibly Schiff!
He thinks the informant who does not exist is Adam Schiff.
*SNIFF* Why didn't Schiff say that he and his staff and or his staff or a whole group, why didn't he say that he met with the whistleblower?
Because he didn't.
He knew all about the whistleblower! Why didn't he say? He's a crooked politician! Very bad for our country!
This whole thing is very bad for our country! In the midst of that I'm trying to get out of wars! We may have to get in wars too!
Gotta end the wars, but maybe we'll get into some wars, you know, whichever! Regardless, Adam Schiff the Whistleblower's Informant is distracting Donald Trump from getting into some new wars by saying treason paraphrases about a very perfect "letter," and can somebody please plug the president into the wall? His batteries are dangerously low.
Anyway, all of this is super normal.
The Trash Palace
Here, Trump does an infomercial for his Bedbug Palace in Florida and how unfair it is that he can't do the G7 there. Somehow this is accompanied by an extended rant about how he gives up his presidential salary, he's the only one who's ever done that (besides Hoover and Kennedy, but whatever), and you know who didn't do that? OBAMA didn't do that. Then he promises that one day, when it's just the perfect day for it, we will see his financials and oh boy golly will we be impressed.
I have a place that's in the best location. I'm very good at real estate. Much better than you even understand. When you see my financials, which I'll give at the right time, you'll say, "man, he was much better than we thought!"
Trump continued by saying NYAH he doesn't need your stupid promotion for his garbage castle at Doral, because he gets "more promotion than any human being that's ever lived, I think I get, I think I can say that fairly safely, I think I get more promotion than any human being that's ever lived!"
Trump also has thoughts about "you people with this phony Emoluments Clause," which is obviously fake and not in the Constitution because OBAMA NETFLIX? Additionally, George Washington ran a business at White House during #president and also did Trump mention that DURRRRRR DURRRRRRR.
George Washington, he ran his business simultaneously while he was president! [...] Hey, Obama made a deal for a book! Is that running a business? I'm sure he didn't even discuss it while he was president! He has a deal with Netflix, when did they start talking about that? [...]
I don't think you people with this phony Emoluments Clause, and by the way!
Yes, he "and by the way"-ed right there, because the president's brain is controlled by syphilitic squirrels.
Trump claimed he "set the world record for somebody without a guitar," by which he meant a lot of people come to his rallies. How many? Oh a million, five billion? Some record breaking number that hadn't even been invented before he was president.
Also, Trump said Barack Obama tried to call Kim Jong-Un 11 times during his presidency, but Kim Jong-Un would not take his calls, because ... OBAMA NETFLIX? (Or something.)
As Daniel Dale notes, this, like most of the things Trump says, is a lie. Former Obama foreign policy guy Ben Rhodes also confirms that this is a lie. It's just something Trump says to make himself feel better.
- Trump took a shit on the Kurds and said they're not really good fighters and only looked good because we were helping them, but that he never promised to protect them until the end of time.
- He whined a lot about how HE captured all the ISIS by himself, not OBAMA NETFLIX, who didn't even capture any of the ISIS. OBAMA NETFLIX? "I'm the one that did the capturing. I'm the one that knows more about it than you people or the fake pundits," said Trump.
- He stated for the record that Tulsi Gabbard is not a Russian agent or asset or anything of the sort, adding that "these people are sick" when they (Hillary Clinton and other Democrats) say people they don't like are Russian assets. (What a Fox News-ified version of what Democrats say that is!) Point is, Trump has never seen Tulsi at one of the monthly Russian asset breakfasts, and in summary and in conclusion, OBAMA NETFLIX?
So that settles that, obviously.
He probably said some other bullshit, but we don't feel like it.
Well, this has been nice, and we hope we have done Stephanie Grisham proud and reported what happened in Trump's Cabinet meeting accurately. If this doesn't rise to her standards, she's free to fill out a comment card and set it on fire because fuck off is why.
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