Trump Bumblef*cks His Way Through Another G7, DO NOT CONGRATULATE

It's become an American tradition, like diabetes and apple pie! Donald Trump goes to an international summit, Donald Trump embarrasses the fuck out of the United States, and when it's all over we all die inside a little bit. USA! USA! USA!

Want to know how badly it's gone? Take it from the horse's ass himself:

TRANSLATION: Everybody is making fun of his stupid tarifffs and he hates the G7 and he wants to go home and play Twitter. Also, that second thing absolutely 100 percent did not happen. Nobody asked him that, nobody called him "sir," and if he believes it happened, he needs to see a neurologist. More likely, he's just lying. Still probably should see a neurologist.

Here is a real sentence from a New York Times report about the American president visiting Biarritz for the G7:

For his part, Mr. Trump largely stuck to diplomatic niceties, refraining from hate-tweeting his colleagues and leaving aside his caustic complaints about their military spending, economic policies or even French wine.


As the Washington Postreports, one little thing got accomplished, a small aid fund to Brazil to combat the Amazon forest fires, which Trumpy Brazilian moron President Jair Bolsonaro supports. (The fires, not the aid, he supports the fires.) This happened at a climate meeting Trump skipped, because we guess he doesn't like talking about climate unless he gets to talk about nuking angry clouds.

But that was about it. Trump had a few talks with world leaders, and the White House is acting like he Art Of The Deal-ed some magical brilliant trade deal with Japan, but as usual, it looks like Trump's just jerking himself off. ("Really big corn purchase!" said Trump on Twitter.) There'll be no joint communique at the end, as is typical with these sorts of things, because as the Post puts it, "nobody is even pretending the United States is a friendly democracy or the leader of the free world anymore, LOLOLOLOL fuck off" "[T]he French all-but-abandoned efforts to craft a joint statement at the end of the summit, cognizant of how the United States is drifting further away from other nations on a growing number of issues." Ouch, for the majority of us that didn't vote for the motherfucker, and who don't actually want to "drift further away" from our allies.

Oh did we mention Trump ruined dinner? He ruined dinner. It was on Saturday night, and while everybody else was eating their nice meal, Trump wanted to bitch and moan because he was upset that his dear Mother Russia is no longer in the club.

Of the other leaders around the table, only Giuseppe Conte, the outgoing Italian prime minister, offered Trump any support, according to this account. Shinzo Abe of Japan was neutral. The rest – the UK's Boris Johnson, Germany's Angela Merkel, Canada's Justin Trudeau, the EU council president, Donald Tusk, and the French president, Emmanuel Macron – pushed back firmly against the suggestion.

"On that point … it became a bit tense to say the least," a European diplomat said. "Most of the other leaders insisted on this being a family, a club, a community of liberal democracies and for that reason they said you cannot allow President Putin – who does not represent that – back in."

Of course, Trump has been stuck on this forever. On Monday, he spent part of his joint presser with Emmanuel Macron barfing out Kremlin talking points about how Russia should be invited back into the group, and repeating the lie that Barack Obama only wanted Russia out because it "outsmarted" him, when the truth is that it got kicked out for illegally invading and occupying the Crimean peninsula. You really should watch both videos, just to listen to the man babble.

Reminder: This is the president who the FBI has investigated because he is possibly compromised by Russia, whose entire campaign and presidency have been about lifting and/or trying to lift sanctions on Vladimir Putin and other rich Russians, and who toes the Kremlin line even on obscure subjects that aren't even on most Americans' radar. It's weird. Just reminding you!


Trump reportedly was caught off-guard when Emmanuel Macron invited Iran's foreign minister Mohammad Javad Zarif to Biarritz on Sunday, but that may just be his leaking brain. The Washington Post reports that Trump said Macron "asked him" if he could invite the Iranian foreign minister over, but as Macron explained Monday at the joint presser, it was more like he TOLD Trump that Zarif was coming, not that he got "permission." Anyway, that was all awkward for the American president who stupidly pulled us out of the Iran nuclear deal, which Iran was complying with!

The entire Monday presser was batshit. Tariff Man clearly still doesn't know what the fuck a "tariff" is; he waxed on weirdly about how he might have "no choice" but to bomb Iran, but was sure to say he has lots of Iranian real estate friends in New York; and he still doesn't know fuckall about "environment" or "what is the United Kingdom?"

When Macron had to leave, they hugged goodbye:

Of course, Trump has been just super engaged with the group the entire weekend, like he always is. You'd think we wouldn't be able to talk about the fucker's Sunday Twitter-pooper time while he's at an esteemed gathering such as the G7, but that just means you've never met Donald Trump. He whined and whined and RTed batshit conspiracy theory shit from Judicial Watch, and he RTed this thing some Canadian weirdo tweeted about Trump sitting like an extremely manly penis person, as opposed to Justin Trudeau, who actually doesn't have anything to prove so he sits however he wants:

Oh yeah, and Trump tweeted happy birthday to Regis Philbin and Sean Connery, so that's nice of the president. Totally normal Sunday for the president who was attending an international summit in France at the time!

Oh yeah, one other thing happened to Trump at the G7. There's a picture that's setting fire to the entire internet, of Melania Trump looking at Justin Trudeau (you know, the guy who, according to the Canadian wingnut above, is a total beta cuck or whatever):

You know, we hate Donald Trump with every cell in our body, but even we gotta admit that's rough, to stand there holding your wife's hand while she and Justin Trudeau openly cause pregnancy in each other.

In related news, Trump got caught on camera with his eyes shut, lunging his lips in Angela Merkel's general direction. It is a disgusting picture. We would post it for you, but you just had your lunch.

Oh by the way, the next G7, the one Trump really really really really really really really wants his bestest pal ever Vladimir Putin to get to go to? The United States is hosting, and Trump says it's probably going to be at the Doral resort he owns, which is losing money, so that's some corruption right there. He gave an infomercial for it, sitting right next to Angela Merkel! He said it's super close to the airport! And during his presser today, he said that in his "opinion," he won't make any money off the deal.

Which might be true, because he's bad at deals, but it's still fucked up.

In summary and in conclusion, one day America will have a normal human president who doesn't embarrass us on the world stage. Today was not that day.

[Washington Post / Guardian / New York Times]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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