Trump Demands End To Racist Witch Hunts Against Him And The Accountants He Loves

In our piece about Donald Trump's accounting firm Mazars breaking up with him the week before Valentine's Day and retracting 10 years of financial statements made on his behalf, we mentioned that Trump released a blubbering, long-winded, pathetic statement about it last night.

Here is that statement. It is like a Kanye Instagram post, except for Trump won't delete this in shame and embarrassment.

The babbling starts with Trump saying his big huge assets are so valuable they're maybe worth more than what was on his financial statements. He throws some numbers out there to reassure us he's a billionaire. He then insists that when the district attorney or attorney general say they think his asset valuations might be too high, they are not including the literal billions in value that come from the "Trump brand" AKA his name.

So it starts off pretty funny.

Then he starts babbling on Mazars's behalf, like he's trying to whisper to Mazars and say, "Hey baby, we're on the same side here, right? We can be like we used to be. C'mere, Mazars. Lie down by this fire and let me open my robe. Come on back, baby. Come on." Is Trump trying to grab his former accounting firm by the pussy and take it furniture shopping? Perhaps.

The accounting firm Mazars has been threatened, harassed, and insulted like virtually no other firm has ever been. They were essentially forced to resign from a great long-term account by the prosecutorial misconduct of a highly political, but failed, gubernatorial candidate, Letitia James, and the Hillary Clinton run District Attorney's Office of Manhattan, where ...

WHAT? Good lord.

He whines about all the crime in New York that's apparently going un-prosecuted because everybody is obsessed with "get Trump." He says "lawyers from Hillary Clinton's law firm" are working for the DA "in order to viciously make sure that 'the job gets done.' " (Of course there are weird, unnecessary quotation marks in it, the man's grasp of the English language is functionally nil.)

He blubbers about Mimi Rocah, the Westchester County DA (that's where Hillary lives), and he bellyaches that new Manhattan DA Alvin Bragg campaigned on going after Trump. He protests that the charges against his indicted Trump Org CFO Allen Weisselberg are fake. "Murderers all over the city, and they are worried about me helping with young children's education?" What a saint Trump is.

Then Trump claims on behalf of Mazars that Mazars only fired him because AG James and DA Bragg were being so vicious.

Mazars decision to withdraw was clearly a result of the AG's and DA's vicious intimidation tactics used. [...] Mazars, who were scared beyond belief, in conversations with us made it clear that they were willing to do or say anything to stop the constant threat which has gone against them for years. They were "broken" and just wanted it all to stop. I wish they had the courage to fight it out ...

Oh my fucking God.

... but they didn't, and who can blame them, but in their forced letter of surrender, Mazars does strongly state that all work was "performed in accordance with professional standards" and that there were "no material discrepancies in the financial statements."

And that's where Trump copy/pastes the disclaimer Mazars put on his financial statements clarifying that they certainly aren't guaranteeing his financial shit. In other words, this is the statement where Mazars says, in essence, "we think this looks right, but that of course assumes Dildoskull over here didn't lie to us. If you find something fucked up, THAT'S ON HIM." Please remember that we are talking about the accounting firm that just fired Trump and, upon reflection, disavowed 10 years of his financial statements.

For more on the significance of this, check out this thread from a CPA. And no, we are not sure why Trump thinks including that disclaimer helps him, aside from he's just a remarkably dumb guy.

And then there's the end, which really wilds out. Is Trump the victim of a racist witch hunt? Sure why not!

This crime against me is a continuation of a Witch Hunt the likes of which has never been seen in this Country before. From Russia, Russia, Russia, which has now been proven by the Durham findings [there are no Durham findings Ed.] to be a complete and total fraud, to the Mueller Report, Impeachment Hoax #1, Impeachment Hoax #2, and so much more, there has never been anything like it. [...]

Instead of this sham investigation of a great company that has done a spectacular job for New York and beyond, why isn't law enforcement and the Fake News Media, which has been so destructive to our Country, looking into the fact that Hillary Clinton and her minions got caught SPYING into the office of the President of the United States, a crime so grave that it once called for the death penalty as punishment if caught. It doesn't get any worse than that! After five years of constant bombardment, this political and racist attack must stop. Look to the murderers, drug dealers and rapists instead!

"This political and racist attack." Against him. You see, the DA and the AG are Black. They are going after him because he is white, he thinks. It's also safe to assume that when Trump writes "murderers, drug dealers and rapists," he means Black people. Is Donald "Central Park Five" Trump communicating clearly here, or should he plug that dogwhistle into a bigger amplifier?

And again, the Durham "findings" don't exist. It's a steaming hot turd underneath Trump's rotting grundle, and he's going to keep screaming and pointing at it.

And that is the end of this mentally coherent statement from the former president of the United States. This is the leader of the Republican Party. Good stuff. Yep.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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