Trump Thanks Putin For Spanking America, Asks Him To Do It Harder

stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid

Guys, we have a radical suggestion to make, and it is that maybe Vladimir Putin has something on Donald Trump. RIGHT? Have we ever said anything like that every single day of the last year?

On Thursday, Trump took a break from golfing and watching TV at his Bedminster resort to say hello to some journalists. During his news conference, he threw more fake tough guy shit at North Korea, he pretended he didn't know his campaign chairman Paul Manafort, and he also said something very strange about Putin's expulsion of American diplomats from Russia, which he did in response to Congress almost unanimously passing (and Trump reluctantly signing, with his tiny fingers behind his back) a whole shit ton of new sanctions against the rogue nation.

How does Trump feel about Putin doing that? Is he mad bro? Nah, it's cool, because here's why:

“I want to thank him because we’re trying to cut down on payroll, and as far as I’m concerned, I’m very thankful that he let go of a large number of people, because now we have a smaller payroll,” Mr. Trump told reporters at his golf club in Bedminster, N.J. “There’s no real reason for them to go back. So I greatly appreciate the fact that we’ve been able to cut our payroll of the United States. We’ll save a lot of money."

We swear to God, reporters, if you DO NOT follow up Trump statements like that by saying, "Think fast, Mr. President! Name three things the diplomats Putin kicked out were doing over there," then we are going to revoke your journalism cards and also too tell you to please grow some balls. Because we guarantee his orange ignoramus ass has NO IDEA.

The New York Times quotes Michael McFaul, Obama's ambassador to Russia, who might be able to help Trump out on that front:

“Cutting our staff by 755 people will do tremendous damage to our diplomatic mission in Russia,” said Michael A. McFaul, who was ambassador to Russia under President Barack Obama. “That our president does not appreciate this obvious fact suggests he doesn’t understand what embassies do in the pursuit of American national interests."

They do diplomacy! They gather intelligence! THERE ARE SPIES THERE!

But why would we spy on Trump's best friend Russia? It's not like Putin ordered the hacking of our 2016 American election to benefit Trump, just kidding yes he did, and Trump hasn't stopped licking his face since.

WHAT THE HELL DOES PUTIN HAVE ON HIM? Was there some kind of naughty video shot of Trump when he was in Moscow in 2013? Does it involve some pee pee and some pretty ladies? Or are there videos of all the gross sex stuff the Steele Dossier suggests Trump has done in St. Petersburg? We are just curious.

Of course, as with all words that come flying out of Trump's mouth, there's more stupid here to unpack. Reza Aslan would like to point something out:

That's right, babydolls. Donald Trump thinks Putin can fire U.S. government employees. Yep. He's the president. Of the United States. For real, this is happening.

Is it time to start drinking yet? In Trump's America the answer is always YES.

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[New York Times]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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