Trump Thugs Stole Trump's Medical Records, We Guess To 'Hide' How Trump Is A Huge Baldy McChunkGross

Trump's other very good doctor

You know that Trump doctor? Not the one in the White House who is like, "Ooh, Trump is so skinny, ooh, does everybody want some happy pills, ooh, I am so drunk right now, ALLEGEDLY!" He is YOU'RE FIRED or something. We are talking about Trump's nutty old doctor, the one who cared for Trump before the election (for 35 YEARS, the poor guy), who said, "Ooh, Trump is so skinny, ooh, he has a perfect body, and if he is elected, he will have the most perfect, most presidential body of ALL TIME!" Harold Bornstein is his name, and according to NBC News, not long after the inauguration, Trump thugs including Keith Schiller (former Trump bodyguard), Alan Garten (Trump Organization lawyer) and ... a THIRD guy who may or may not be the thug who shook down Stormy Daniels, but that is just our wild speculation ... literally RAIDED HIS OFFICE TO STEAL TRUMP'S MEDICAL RECORDS.

The three men showed up early in the morning on February 3, 2017, and Bornstein says he felt "raped, frightened and sad" by how these thugs were going through his personal business and stealing his shit. He also says he hadn't been given a HIPAA release form to turn over Trump's medical records, and NBC News notes that people who handle those records are supposed to have HIPAA clearance, but we all know Trump people don't follow laws. The point is that Trump's body men and a lawyer for the Trump Organization -- which is weird because didn't Trump separate himself from his business? LOL -- were there, and they had DEMANDS. Specifically, for all records on Trump, and all records on Trump's aliases, because Donald Trump is a normal person who goes to doctors under aliases, not that he has anything to hide, like maybe raging butt herpes.


Well, for one thing, Bornstein had just given an interview where he admitted he had been prescribing Propecia to deal with the gross situation on the top of Trump's head, and they were mad about that. So maybe they were doing a cover-up to hide from America the very secret facts that not only is Trump a beef chunk, but also that the disgusting syphilitic ferret that lives on top of Trump's head is a FAKE DISGUSTING FERRET. (It's a secret, don't tell!)

Dunno why they couldn't have knocked on the door or made an appointment, or hey, maybe they could have called Bornstein on telephones and said "can you send us Trump's records on computers?" but that would be normal human behavior, whereas Trump people are only capable of a really cheesy slapstick version of crime family behavior, like if "Saved By The Bell" had done a summer season where they all joined the mafia.

Regardless, this is all very normal. Sarah Huckabee Sanders got smoky in her eyes when asked about it on Tuesday:

White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said that taking possession of medical records was "standard operating procedure for a new president" and that it was not accurate to characterize what happened as a "raid."

Fuck off.

BUT WAIT, there's more news, on top of the thug raid where they stole the medical records, and also made the good doctor remove a picture of Trump and himself that hung on the wall in his waiting room, and it is that Bornstein is now claiming that the famous letter he "wrote" before the election, when he said if Trump was elected, he would be the YOOGEST, MOST HEALTHY president in the history of infinity, or specifically that, "If elected, Mr. Trump, I can state unequivocally, will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency," was actually written by Donald J. Trump. WHOA IF TRUE, right? Except with these people, for Christ's sake, there is absolutely no telling:

"He dictated that whole letter. I didn't write that letter," Bornstein told CNN on Tuesday. "I just made it up as I went along."

See? He contradicts himself in his very own sentence! "He dictated that whole letter. I just made it up as I went along." WHO CAN EVEN WITH THESE FUCKING PEOPLE. (Bornstein says the lines about Trump being the yoogest, most healthiest ever were never meant to be 100% serious, and that it was just his dark sense of humor, to which we reply "LOL WE GUESS!")

It makes us wonder, though, now that Ronny Jackson is such a subject of controversy, if Trump was somehow also able to dictate Jackson's statement, where the disgraced White House doctor said with a straight face that Trump isn't obese, and also that he has such great genes he would live 200 years if he didn't always have approximately nine Big Macs stored in his cheek pouches, for the food emergencies that happen every few hours in his life. (Ronny Jackson did not specifically reference the president's rodent pouches in his cheeks, which may or may not exist.)

Let's finish with this tweet:

"SWEETHEART, THIS IS WATERGATE, GOODBYE!" is the best quote from a Trump person ever, is it not?

Oh well, time to end this post, so SWEETHEARTS, THIS IS WATERGATE, GOODBYE!

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[NBC News / CNN]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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