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Jeff Sessions "resigned" as attorney general Wednesday, and African Americans across the country living, dead, and somewhere in between, are rejoicing. Now, we are sensible people. We understand that Donald Trump whacked Sessions for no honorable reason, almost certainly to obstruct justice in the Russia investigation. We get that the acting attorney general, Matthew Whitaker, literally wrote a cover letter for the job posing as a CNN op-ed stating that Robert Mueller's investigation had "gone too far."

Just listen to us for a moment, white people: We know that Trump is shredding the rule of law and we've just advanced a few rounds in the fascism home game. We're going to be sad later, but just let us be happy right now. And, baby, are we happy.


Sessions is a despicable human being whose high-ranking position in Trump's White House was a constant slap in the face for black folks. One of Sessions's last acts was to warn the nation of the non-existent threat of voter fraud and lay out the Justice Department's plans to "monitor" ballot access as if he'd never heard of the 1871 Klan Act. His whole jam has been about keeping black people from polluting the purity of the ballot box -- just "one drop" in Georgia could turn your governor into Stacey Abrams.

I'm glad we no longer have an attorney general who received the harshest of legal Yelp reviews from civil rights leader Coretta Scott King, who wrote in a letter opposing his elevation to the federal bench that Sessions "used the power of his office as United States Attorney to intimidate and chill the free exercise of the ballot" by black citizens. She went on to eviscerate him for nine whole head-bobbing pages: "Mr. Sessions has used the awesome powers of his office in a shabby attempt to intimidate and frighten elderly black voters." (Sound familiar?)

But people listened to black women in 1986 or at least were willing to listen to their written statements. During Sessions's confirmation hearings in 2017, Elizabeth Warren tried to read King's letter on the Senate floor but the Republican majority silenced her under the often-invoked Stanley Kowalski "we got a noisy woman in the place" rule. King's tough but measured words were apparently too much for the gentle ears of Mitch McConnell and the rest of the white male Republican senators, but in a "Twilight Zone"-worthy twist, Sessions would later become the brunt of Trump's regularly tweeted groin punches.

As a sitting senator, Sessions was Trump's first major endorsement during the Republican primaries. Sessions stiffed colleague and fellow gross person Ted Cruz, setting up Trump for crushing victories in the South on Super Tuesday that effectively cut off Cruz's path to the White House.

But not even Cruz would've made living Confederate monument Sessions attorney general. (At least probably not.) The road to his dream job was paved with tacky, fake gold from Trump's penthouse. If Sessions was later shocked that someone resembling Donald Trump's description would, as president, demand that he serve as his personal Tom Hagen, Sessions is as stupid as he is now unemployed. And I don't mean "fun-employed." There shall be no "fun" after the humiliating end of his political career. I hope he's sitting around in the dark in his underwear, unshaven, and drinking stale beer from a rusty can while wistfully imagining the minorities and gays he's yet to persecute.

Sessions was probably legitimately drawn to Trump because of a mutual enmity for immigration. He helped Trump take a "tiki torch" to DACA and even sued California over its sanctuary city policies, stating without apparent irony that "federal law is the supreme law of the land." (He'd literally claimed a year earlier when reversing an Obama-era directive on the matter that individual states could best decide if transgender students are people.) Worst of all, Sessions aided, abetted, and defended the administration's inhuman family separation policy. The elfin bigot even joked about the suffering of children.

Toward the end, Sessions was isolated and alone, just as he deserved. Good buddy Lindsey Graham claimed last year there'd be "holy hell" to pay if Trump fired Sessions, but yesterday, he boldly declared that he looked forward to helping the president choose his replacement.

It's also a source of supreme pleasure that Democrat Doug Jones won Sessions's old seat in the Senate, after Republicans in his home state tried to replace him with a mall-cruising pervert. (Wait what? Sessions is thinking of running against Doug Jones for his old Senate seat in 2020? Great. That's just great.)

Oh well, for now, let's remember Sessions during happier times (for us at least) when Kamala Harris made him piss his pants.

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Seattle. However, he's more reliable for food and drink recommendations in Portland, where he spends a lot of time for theatre work. His co-adaptation of "Jitterbug Perfume" by Tom Robbins is playing NOW at Pioneer Square's Cafe Nordo. All Wonketters welcome.

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Good morning, America! Attorney General Bill Barr is doing a presser at 9:30 AM EDT about the Mueller report, which nobody will be able to see until around noon or after, once Congress gets the redacted report on CDs. Seeing as that is bullshit, there's no reason to watch this thing, as journalists won't be able to ask him questions about a document they haven't seen. So ... go back to bed, everyone!

Ugh, fine, we guess we will do this, and that is because we care, even though we are quite certain HGTV is doing some kind of very important "Property Brothers" marathon that adds much more of value to the national discourse, and also covers it up with shiplap accent walls. Does Bill Barr do cover-ups with shiplap? No, because he doesn't have the good taste for that.

Reportedly, we are going to hear from Barr why certain things were redacted, including why he thinks certain facts are subject to executive privilege, which is funny because he is not the president and therefore cannot invoke executive privilege. But oh whatever! Details! Robert Mueller won't be there and none of his team will be there, which tells you something about how they feel about this whole process. If they felt like this was on the up-and-up, you'd imagine they might show up to present a united front. As that is not happening, assume the entire thing is a bullshit act meant to help Donald Trump set the narrative for what will otherwise be a very bad day for him.

The New York Times reported last night that the White House has already been briefed on significant portions of the report, because Bill Barr is a rightwing scam artist piece of shit who gives the Trump White House reacharounds. The briefings have reportedly been very helpful for the White House in coming up with how to rebut today's report, which is funny because we thought Trump said this report was a full exoneration, NO COLLUSION, NO OBSTRUCTION. (Actually nope on both counts, since Mueller didn't decide the obstruction question, and even according to Barr's mash notes, he took a very limited view of the conspiracy question, focusing on the Russian government's hack and dump WikiLeaks operation.)

Anyway, assuming Trump is right about full exoneration, we guess Rudy Giuliani's rebuttal will state that Trump is guilty, full stop. Because that's what "rebuttal" means, correct?

Committee chairs in the House including Jerry Nadler, Adam Schiff and Maxine Waters have called upon Bill Barr to cancel today's briefing, as it is useless horseshit. Because Barr literally gives zero fucks about his reputation and apparently is OK with going down in history as a fecal stain on our institutions and the rule of law, the show will go on.

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Now What? Wonkagenda For Thurs., April 18, 2019

Bill Barr's book report, the NRA is doomed, and Johnny Cash will watch over the Capitol. Your morning news brief!

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Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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