Trump Tremendously Impressed With How Many Not-Crimes Trump Guilty Of!
You know things are going well from a PR perspective when the batshit Republican president has to take time out of his surely very busy day (LOL) and go on Rush Limbaugh to make his case to his shrinking base that he really made a superb decision when he decided to get Big Mac drunk and make boom boom in the face of the second most powerful guy in the Iranian government.
That, or President Many Feelings was just experiencing Many Feelings over the almost universal condemnation of his latest perfect presidential act, and the only way to fix it was to curl up in Rush Limbaugh's warm bosom.
Anyway, we are not actually listening to clips of this horseshit, but some other people did, and they report that Trump, in the process of lying/boasting about how great he is, claimed that even he was surprised when he read (did not read) the Mueller Report and learned just how very non-crimey (totally crimey) he really is:
"Even I was impressed with how clean I am, Rush," Trump said.
Tremendous! Donald Trump read (did not read) a 400-some-odd-page story about himself, and was just really surprised to learn how many not-crimes he's really committed the past few years! Terrific! A good name for the Mueller Report would be "Donald And The Amazing Technicolor Not-Crimes!" Nobody's ever read anything like it!
Reminder: The Mueller Report found hundreds of bizarre and improper contacts between members of the Trump campaign and Russians -- one might call it "collusion" if that were a legal term but Robert Mueller explained it is not. It also appears, from the report and from the evidence that came out in Roger Stone's trial, that Trump had foreknowledge of the Russian WikiLeaks releases of the stolen Hillary Clinton emails, which were intended to ratfuck the election for Trump and against Hillary Clinton. The Mueller Report also found multiple instances of Trump committing blatant obstruction of justice of the Russia investigation. Oh yeah, and Trump lied to Mueller in his written responses.
Totally exonerated, though! Even Trump was impressed by how "clean I am, Rush"!
Trump told Rush that if you think the Mueller Report shows how innocent he is (as no thinking person does), then the Ukraine impeachment evidence will really blow your mind (with crimes):
"I think what they're trying to do is affect the election, illegally. … They are a joke. They are not crimes. There is nothing there. They found nothing," Trump said.
He added: "They created a situation that was false, that was fraudulent, and then they investigated the false, fraudulent situation."
It was a perfect phone call! Even Trump was impressed by how perfect the phone call was when he READ TEH TRJEKA;KSJKJVFCJVKJDSAJFAPTI!
Know what else is perfect? Being a totally impressively crime-free person who is also king of Facebook:
OK. Don't know what to say about that so we'll just go with the red panda doing jazz hands again:
In possibly related news, the Trump administration has decided it can wait a few more days to make up some new lies about why President Meat Drunk ordered the assassination of Qasem Soleimani and explain their making-it-up-as-we-go-along "policy" toward Iran, so they'll now be addressing the nation on Monday, a whole six days from now.
For some reason they've chosen Mike Pence to deliver this speech, and not Trump.
Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE, DO IT RIGHT HERE!
Wonkette is fully funded by readers like YOU. If you love Wonkette, SUPPORT WONKETTE FINANCIALLY.