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Everybody is PRETTY SURE Donald Trump only shoehorned Matthew Whitaker AKA "Meatball" in as acting attorney general after he fired Jeff Sessions, even though Meatball was nowhere near the DoJ line of succession, so that Meatball might act as his personal hitman at Justice and pour his gross fire roasted tomato smegma bolognese sauce all over all the investigations into Trump and thereby murder them dead. Would you be FOR SHOCKED to learn that, according to the New York Times, that is exactly what happened, at least as pertains to the fine prosecutors at the Southern District of New York (SDNY), which is investigating pretty much every aspect of Donald Trump's entire life, including his family and his company and his campaign and his inauguration and his gratutitous porn peener payoffs and other stuff probably, we forget?

Look at these fucking assholes:


As federal prosecutors in Manhattan gathered evidence late last year about President Trump's role in silencing women with hush payments during the 2016 campaign, Mr. Trump called Matthew G. Whitaker, his newly installed attorney general, with a question. He asked whether Geoffrey S. Berman, the United States attorney for the Southern District of New York and a Trump ally, could be put in charge of the widening investigation, according to several American officials with direct knowledge of the call.

Mr. Whitaker, who had privately told associates that part of his role at the Justice Department was to "jump on a grenade" for the president, knew he could not put Mr. Berman in charge, since Mr. Berman had already recused himself from the investigation. The president soon soured on Mr. Whitaker, as he often does with his aides, and complained about his inability to pull levers at the Justice Department that could make the president's many legal problems go away.

Yeah, Berman has been recused for a HOT MINUTE now. Good on Meatball, though, for allegedly knowing that he couldn't do this particular dirty work for Trump. And BAD ON TRUMP for yet again fucking trying to obstruct justice, which is apparently the only thing he does more often than tweet. Considering this reporting, should we assume SDNY is investigating Trump for obstruction of justice, just like Robert Mueller is? Y/FY? (That stands for "Yes or FUCK YES," because "no" is not an option here.)

OF COURSE Trump "soured on" Meatball after this, which is a shame, since Meatball OBVIOUSLY wanted to fuck the Constitution and the rule of law REAL GOOD for Mister President Glorious And Sexually Alluring Dear Leader, Upon Whom All Blessings Have Been Bestowed. Meatball just couldn't get there. :(

We already knew Trump had "soured on" Meatball over Meatball's inability to control the SDNY investigations, especially after Michael Cohen pleaded guilty to lying to Congress for Trump about the Trump Tower Moscow project, and in light of how Cohen admitted last year in court, and SDNY prosecutors later affirmed, that "Individual-1" had directed Cohen to commit those campaign finance porn peener payoff crimes. Reportedly Trump "lashed out" at Meatball!

Meatball testified about this during his marathon of bullshit at the House Judiciary Committee a week and a half ago. Specifically he repeated A LOT that Trump had not improperly tried to discuss the Robert Mueller investigation with him or pressured him to do anything untoward regarding Mueller, but he was notably more reticent when asked if Trump had done the same with the investigations out of the SDNY. Meatball wouldn't even admit if Trump had "lashed out" at Meatball!

Several days after that, House Judiciary Committee chair Jerry Nadler (D-Your Real Dad) fired off a Valentine to Meatball saying Yeah, um, thanks for coming to our committee and stuff, but could you come back again and this time not do any perjury, ALLEGEDLY? Specifically Nadler was annoyed by Meatball's non-answers on Trump's attempts to get Meatball to memory-hole the investigations into Trump's peener payoffs to Stormy Daniels and Karen McDougal, and moreover, noted that the answers Meatball did give sure seemed like lies!

Does Jerry Nadler have receipts, beyond what he's read in the newspaper? OF COURSE HE DOES. "The Committee has identified several individuals with direct knowledge of the phone calls you denied receiving from the White House." And apparently the New York Times has identified several of those individuals, as well! (As Wonkette noted last week, Nadler also has some more questions about what kinds of conversations Meatball might have perhaps had with the White House about the Mueller investigation before Trump plucked him out of the very deep bowl of a giant peener toilet for dudes whose peeners are too long and snaky for regular toilets, and turned Meatball into the highest law enforcement officer in the land. You know, conversations Meatball perhaps just a little bit might have fibbed about to Congress.)

For the record, here is the DoJ's statement on the Times story, which is VERY LAWYER WEASEL WORDS, considering how Jerry Nadler and the Times are coming right up to the line of saying Meatball lied his fucking ass off to Congress:

Trump asked Meatball for no "promises or commitments" concerning any investigation, and he didn't receive any either. So with this DoJ statement, we can rule out any sort of conversation where Trump said, "My beloved Meatball, can you make PROMISES AND COMMITMENTS that you will drown the SDNY investigations in Meatball juice, by getting the US attorney up there to un-recuse himself?" Everything else is still a possibility!

The rest of the New York Times article is a fun and horrifying read -- yes, we said "fun," because we live in hell now and must make the best of it -- about Trump's now years-long pattern of trying to skullfuck the investigations into him and his family and friends and company and campaign and inauguration and charity and all the other things. It has a fun timeline of how Trump has "publicly attacked the Russia investigation over 1,100 times," and reminds us of such episodes as that time Trump's former Russia lawyer John Dowd reportedly whispered in the ears of counsel for Paul Manafort and Michael Flynn, just casually and indirectly suggesting that maybe they might get pardons from Trump.

And that time when Trump fired Michael Flynn, and according to Chris Christie's new book was pretty sure that meant the witch hunt investigation into Trump and Russhur was over, and Jared Kushner was pretty sure that AYUP, that means Trump and Russhur is over. (Jared also thought that about Trump's later firing of James Comey. Jared always thinks that. Jared is a fucking idiot.)

And that time Trump tried to get James Comey to kill the investigation into Flynn.

And all the times Trump tried to fire Jeff Sessions, because he was mad at Sessions for recusing himself from the Russia investigation.

And all the times Trump tried to fire Robert Mueller.

And all the ways Trump's trashbag henchmen in the House of Representatives like Matt Gaetz and Jim Jordan have obstructed justice for Trump by trying to change the real story into an actual fake news story about how the FBI is somehow full of Deep State Democrats intent on persecuting Trump and burying the so-called "crimes" of Hillary Clinton.

Oh yeah and there's some stuff in there about Fucking Devin Nunes, who, based on what we learned from Andrew McCabe and Natasha Bertrand today, on top of everything else we know about Nunes's record of obstructing justice for Trump, should be in prison. (If you pray to Jesus, pray an imprecatory prayer to Jesus about that right now.)

AND SO MUCH MORE.

Yeah, like we said, it's a "fun" read. SO FUN.

Yep.

[New York Times]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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