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After showing up at late for his star turn at the United Nations today (again), Donald Trump started off by telling the representatives of 192 countries that his administration had more accomplishments in its first two years than "almost any administration in the history of our country." The world promptly laughed at him. "So True," Trump continued, causing world leaders to laugh harder and applaud. "I didn't expect that reaction, but that's okay." Based on the fact that he actually cracked a smile, we're pretty sure he didn't realize the world was laughing at him, not with him. Don't tell him.

If only...


After Stephen Miller's speech made Trump the laughingstock of the the planet, Trump claimed he'd begun construction on his border wall, that his $716 billion military budget is the biggest ever, and that he created "half a million manufacturing jobs." For the record, Obama had a $725 billion budget for the military in 2011, the Bureau of Labor Statistics says only 348,000 have been created since 2017, and the Republican Congress hasn't bought a single brick for his goddamn wall. We honestly don't know why he left out his historic electoral map.

Much like last year, Trump squinted his way through isolationist rhetoric that only surfaces in high school civics classes discussing the failures of the Monroe Doctrine. Trump preached about US sovereignty, stating, "The United States will not tell you how to live or work or worship," and then criticized China for gaining an "unfair advantage over our country" that allowed "our wealth to be plundered and transferred."

That face when Donald Trump sticks to the script.

Instead of creating silly nicknames for dictators, Trump embarrassed the US by thanking North Korea for its "courage" in denuclearizing, even though his own national security team has publicly stated that North Korea is actually increasing its nuclear capability. He then threatened to impose sanctions on Iran and blamed them for the crisis in Syria, but failed to mention the arms, chemical weapons, or mercenaries Russia has sent to Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad. Trump also announced sanctions against the collapsing socialist regime in Venezuela, and proclaimed the world should "resist socialism and the misery it brings to everyone." God knows free healthcare is one step away from full-blown communism.

Trump then began slurring his words as he bragged about US energy production in "clean coal" and natural gas, railing against OPEC and "expansionist" foreign governments. This caused a number of delegations to giggle, either because Trump can't read, or because Trump has the balls to complain about expansionism and preach sovereignty without ever once condemning Russian invasions.

Nearing the end of his speech, Trump told US allies and organizations that they need to start paying "their fair share for the cost of their defense," which we assume is like monarchical tributes with extra steps. He also threatened to withhold foreign aid from people who don't "respect us," called the UN Human Rights Council a "grave embarrassment," and declared the International Criminal Court to have "no authority." And, because he wasn't finished taking a shit all over global stability, Trump declared the US would again reduce its contributions to the UN peacekeeping budget.

We will never surrender America's sovereignty to an unelected, unaccountable global bureaucracy. America is governed by Americans. We reject the ideology of globalism, and we embrace the doctrine of patriotism around the world, responsible nations must defend against threats to sovereignty, not just from global governments but also from other new forms of coercion and domination."

In summary: Sovereignty is good, unless it interferes with the US. North Korea is cool, Iran and Venezuela suck. China sucks, but Xi Jinping is cool. The world is ripping us off (except Israel and Russia). Neighbors should take care of their refugees (unless they're Mexicans). Buy our crap, and you won't get taxed. #MAGA

[ WaPo / WH Transcript ]
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Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or in a gutter taking photos.

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