Trump Vows At Prayer Breakfast To Hunt Down Jesus's Real Killers, The Democrats Who Impeached Him

Religion

Donald Trump showed his ass this morning at the National Prayer Breakfast. This'll come as quite the shock to Susan Collins, who believed the president would find God, repent, and change into a better man. The Senate only acquitted Trump. It didn't curse him with a human soul.

Trump was as petty and vindictive as ever. He didn't temper his remarks or behavior for the moment or the setting. He waved around newspaper front pages with "TRUMP ACQUITTED" headlines. Trump is very proud of his "good enough" presidential diploma. Nancy Pelosi, Trump's arch-nemesis, was present and likely deeply offended, as she is an actual religious person who can touch a Bible without bursting into flame. The prayer breakfast is supposed to be a non-partisan event, but there was no possibility of these two hugging it out. Trump could barely stay awake during Pelosi's own speech -- though in fairness she droned on about "the poor and persecuted." Trump did snap back to consciousness when he heard "persecuted" because that's what President Job considers himself.


The keynote speaker was Arthur Brooks, who said "contempt is ripping our country apart" and advised everyone to "love your enemies." During his own remarks, Trump said he wasn't sure he agreed with Brooks about all that namby-pamby stuff. He doesn't love his enemies like some common Jesus. He hates them all and has a very lengthy enemies list that's grown three sizes during the course of his impeachment.

TRUMP: As everybody knows, my family, our great country and your president have been put through a terrible ordeal by some very dishonest and corrupt people. They have done everything possible to destroy us, and by so doing, very badly hurt our nation. They know that what they're doing is wrong, but they put themselves far ahead of our great country.

This is normally the point of the movie when Trump would point at Pelosi and shout, "And the killer is YOU!" I presume they had the foresight not to give Pelosi a copy of this speech, either, or she'd have ripped the fuck out of it.

TRUMP: Weeks ago, and again yesterday, courageous Republican politicians and leaders had the wisdom, fortitude, and strength to do what everyone knows was right. I don't like people who use their faith as justification for doing what they know is wrong. Nor do I like people who say, "I pray for you" when they know that's not so.

Mitt Romney said Wednesday that his "faith" guided him toward his vote to convict. Pelosi has claimed that she "prays" for the president, but Trump thinks she's a big liar. After all, if she were actually praying for him, why isn't he an all-powerful genie like he's always wanted?

TRUMP: So many people have been hurt, and we can't let that go on. I'll be discussing that a little later at the White House.

Trump is giving a victory lap speech today where he's either currently foaming at the mouth or laughing maniacally. (We don't know, Evan's watching it, not us.) This was a prayer breakfast, after all, so he wanted the save the truly vicious remarks and anti-semitic tropes ("Shifty Schiff") for a more appropriate time. He didn't acknowledge Pelosi at all, because he ain't got no class, but he praised dutiful lapdog Mike Pence, who never turned on him. He then shifted to his standard stump speech. It was like that disappointing moment at a standup comedy show when you realize you're not getting any new material.

Trump closed out his Sermon on the Mount with his declaration that he was "trying to learn" not to hate his political foes.

TRUMP: It's not easy. When they impeach you for nothing [and] then you're supposed to like them, it's not easy, folks. I do my best.

He certainly does. Unfortunately, his "best" is the absolute worst.

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).

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