Trump Wants Putin As His Date To G7, Boris Johnson Says 'No Despots' Means NO DESPOTS
Happy Birthday, Uncle Vlad! Well, happy early birthday, anyway. Uncle Pootie's birthday won't be until October, but Donald Trump has already picked out something special and is hoping to give it to his best most favorite idol in September. They even talked on the phone yesterday about wearing matching outfits so everyone would know they're a couple.* Touching, huh?
This weekend, Donald Trump announced to reporters aboard Air Force One that he's planning to invite Vladimir Putin back to the G7 after Russia got permanently booted in 2014 for stealing a giant chunk of Ukraine. Russia is still hanging on to Crimea in violation of international law, but Trump knows it was actually Barack Obama's fault Russia invaded its neighbor, so he's willing to let bygones be bygones and welcome his pal back to the international meeting of advanced economies.
"I don't feel that as a G7 it properly represents what's going on in the world," he said Saturday. "It's a very outdated group of countries." Because what this party really needs is a revanchist petro-state that seeks to sow dissension in its members and undermine the integrity of their electoral systems!
With America now the undisputed world leader in coronavirus cases — USA! USA! — the G7 summit scheduled for this summer will have to be postponed. Germany's Chancellor Angela Merkel had already announced she would not attend in person, because apparently America isn't the tourism hotspot it used to be, what with major viral outbreaks in every major city. Which is UGH, SUCH A BUMMER for Trump, who already had to scrap his plan to host the G7 at his club in Doral because mean Democrats made such a fuss about it.
Luckily he has a clever Plan B! What if Trump takes advantage of the fact that the US currently holds rotating presidency of the G7, and invites a whole bunch of other countries to the meeting? That way he can just slip Russia in with the new kids!
"We want Australia, we want India, we want South Korea," Trump said to reporters. "And what do we have? That's a nice group of countries right there."
Indeed it is, or it would be if President Goonlover wasn't trying to shoehorn in a despotic gangster amongst the burgeoning democracies.
It's like a "G10 or G11," said the math whiz, conveniently disregarding the fact that admission to the group must be unanimously approved by every member country. Then he said the cleverest part yet! How about if he holds the meeting in September, either right before or right after the UN General Assembly meeting in New York? You know, since the gang will all be here anyway, make it like a pregame tailgate, or an exclusive afterparty where everyone gets to bring a date. Trump's date will be a 67-year-old kleptocrat with more fillers injected into his face than Kylie Jenner — sorry Melon! Allegedly on both counts!
And he would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for those meddlesome world leaders. The UK has been a little jumpy about Russia ever since that country sent assassins to poison Sergei Skripal with nerve agent on British soil. Prime Minister Boris Johnson's spokesperson vowed yesterday that the UK would block readmission of Russia to the G7 "unless it ceases aggressive and destabilizing activity that threatens the safety of U.K. citizens and the collective security of our allies." And it's a safe bet that Chancellor Merkel isn't about to vote to bring Putin back after he tried to ratfuck the 2017 German elections.
Which is NO FAIR because why even do other countries get a vote? Well, don't worry, Trump will figure out how to get his way. Either that, or he'll pull us out of the G7 entirely and make a G2 just with Putin and the US.
MAGA MAGA MAGA!
*We don't know if they talked about matching outfits. But they definitely talked on the phone before Trump screamed at all the governors and called them weak.
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Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.