It's your daily chronicle of how Matthew Whitaker, the fake, make-believe "acting attorney general" Donald Trump illegally installed after firing Jeff Sessions, manages to be dangerous and stupid and highly unqualified and hilariously mock-able, all at the same time!

First of all, "senior officials" in the White House are expressing shock and dismay that they flouted the line of succession at DOJ and stuck in an asslicking sycophant, and instead of just accepting it, America is digging into his story and everything we find out about him makes us say "LOL!" and "what a fucking dipshit!"

Several senior officials told CNN they were surprised by the criticism, and believe it could potentially jeopardize Whitaker's chances of remaining in the post if it continues to dominate headlines.

Haha so sad.

It was not widely known among White House staff that he'd commented repeatedly on the special counsel's investigation in interviews and on television ...

Which is funny, as CNN points out, because Donald Trump hired him from the TV! It was between Matt Whitaker and the My Pillow guy, we guess.

CNN notes that Whitaker's friendship with Trump campaign weirdo moron hack Sam Clovis -- which is one of the many reasons he's too conflicted to oversee the Mueller investigation, because Whitaker and Clovis are BFFs and Clovis is a witness in the Russia investigation -- is why he was on TV in the first place, because Clovis was like "Hey, my normal friend with a fully functioning human brain, if you want to do a job interview with Donald Trump, all you have to do is scam your way on to TV. He'll see you there!"

By the way and for the record, CNN reports that somebody close to Trump says there is NO REASON to believe Whitaker will try to destroy the Mueller investigation with his (allegedly!) 'roided out arm muscles, so that's obviously a lie.

At this point, the hordes of Americans protesting in the streets and the legal experts agree that Matt Whitaker will never be more than a fake "attorney general," since his appointment was completely illegal. Kellyanne Conway's husband George Conway believes the appointment is illegal. John Fucking Yoo believes the appointment is illegal. There is bipartisan agreement on this one, from everybody who hasn't checked their brain at the White House door before climbing up Donald Trump's ass and going to sleep.

There's also the little matter of how Matt Whitaker is BAD AT LAW. Quick! What does he think is the DUMBEST SUPREME COURT DECISION EVER? He said so in 2014:

"There are so many" bad rulings, Mr. Whitaker said. "I would start with the idea of Marbury v. Madison. That's probably a good place to start and the way it's looked at the Supreme Court as the final arbiter of constitutional issues."

Marbury v. Madison. Which established judicial review, perhaps the single most important check on congressional power we have. Which was decided in 180-fucking-3. It's kind of foundational to our democracy.

Here are some more of the SCOTUS decisions Whitaker hates:

All New Deal cases that were expansive of the federal government. Those would be bad. Then all the way up to the Affordable Care Act and the individual mandate."

Trump really truly does pick the best people.

And if we haven't mentioned it in this post seven times already, Whitaker is a scummy, scammy IDIOT. One of his most recent gigs, as a member of the advisory board for a scummy, scammy invention-promotion company, was shut down back in May by the Federal Trade Commission (FTC) and ordered to pay $25 million, for scummily scamming investors. Whitaker made infomercials for the company! They were very bad!

Here's what somebody who invested in the company, World Patent Marketing, had to say about Whitaker's sudden promotion to the top law enforcement official in the land:

"It's really upsetting to know that guy will be attorney general," said Ryan Masti, 26, who lost $77,000 after paying World Patent Marketing to help him bring to market his idea for a social media app to help the disabled. "It's so offensive. It's like a stab in the back."

Yep, for you and for all other patriotic Americans, dude. (Read that whole report if you have time. It's good.)

Another of Whitaker's recent gigs was running the adorably named Foundation for Accountability and Civic Trust (FACT), which seems to be one of those "exists on paper only" wingnut rent-a-lawyer lobbying shops, for idiots:

The group lodged numerous ethics complaints and calls for investigations, targeting Hillary Clinton and Supreme Court nominee Merrick Garland, as well as some Republicans.

Riiiiiiiight. Was superlawyer Larry Klayman not available for the gig? Is that why we had to go way down the sloppy seconds list and interrupt Matt Whitaker's leg day to make him "acting attorney general"?

Anyway, the funding for FACT, WaPo reports, comes from the same scummy scammy dark money group that funds such esteemed groups as Project Veritas, Judicial Watch and the Federalist Society.

And was FACT really anything more than just another grift for Whitaker? Haha, do you even have to ask:

Whitaker received $402,000 in 2016 as FACT's president and director — nearly a third of the donations the group received that year, according to its tax filings. He received $252,000 in 2015, more than half the charity's receipts that year, tax filings show.


Speaking to reporters Friday morning, Donald Trump lied through his teeth and said he had never even met this guy Matt Whitaker, and that he's never talked to him about the Mueller probe, to which we reply, "OK sure you bet, you big fucking liar." Trump knows this guy. He LOVES this guy, because he is big and burly and stupid and his body is entirely made of Big Mac meat, allegedly. Trump also said that Whitaker "was very very highly thought of and still is highly thought of," which is also not true, and that Whitaker is a "very smart man" and a "very respected man," which are two more lies. A good rule for life is that if Trump likes somebody, that person is a highly disrespected fucking moron.

Trump also got mad at reporters that people seem to think he picks fucking idiots because he sees them on TV and gets a thrill up his crusty chunky inner thighs. How is that not a good way to pick people?

Finally, Trump whined at reporters that Robert Mueller wasn't confirmed by the Senate either, because Trump has no goddamned fucking idea how anything works in the whole entire world. Trump said, "they didn't want to bring [Mueller] in front of the Senate" because of all his "conflicts," because he blissfully unaware that Mueller (who doesn't actually have any "conflicts"), as special counsel, is not subject to Senate confirmation.

Will Matt Whitaker still be the pretend "acting attorney general" by 5 o'clock this afternoon? Probably. Let's just thoughts 'n' prayers that he doesn't last many more Scaramuccis than that, because FUUUUUUCK THIS GUY.

[CNN / Washington Post / New York Times]

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT NOW, DO IT RIGHT NOW!

Wonkette is the ONLY NEWS ON THE INTERNET. Please give us money RIGHT THERE BELOW if you want us to live FOREVER.

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

Donate with CC

Good morning, America! Attorney General Bill Barr is doing a presser at 9:30 AM EDT about the Mueller report, which nobody will be able to see until around noon or after, once Congress gets the redacted report on CDs. Seeing as that is bullshit, there's no reason to watch this thing, as journalists won't be able to ask him questions about a document they haven't seen. So ... go back to bed, everyone!

Ugh, fine, we guess we will do this, and that is because we care, even though we are quite certain HGTV is doing some kind of very important "Property Brothers" marathon that adds much more of value to the national discourse, and also covers it up with shiplap accent walls. Does Bill Barr do cover-ups with shiplap? No, because he doesn't have the good taste for that.

Reportedly, we are going to hear from Barr why certain things were redacted, including why he thinks certain facts are subject to executive privilege, which is funny because he is not the president and therefore cannot invoke executive privilege. But oh whatever! Details! Robert Mueller won't be there and none of his team will be there, which tells you something about how they feel about this whole process. If they felt like this was on the up-and-up, you'd imagine they might show up to present a united front. As that is not happening, assume the entire thing is a bullshit act meant to help Donald Trump set the narrative for what will otherwise be a very bad day for him.

The New York Times reported last night that the White House has already been briefed on significant portions of the report, because Bill Barr is a rightwing scam artist piece of shit who gives the Trump White House reacharounds. The briefings have reportedly been very helpful for the White House in coming up with how to rebut today's report, which is funny because we thought Trump said this report was a full exoneration, NO COLLUSION, NO OBSTRUCTION. (Actually nope on both counts, since Mueller didn't decide the obstruction question, and even according to Barr's mash notes, he took a very limited view of the conspiracy question, focusing on the Russian government's hack and dump WikiLeaks operation.)

Anyway, assuming Trump is right about full exoneration, we guess Rudy Giuliani's rebuttal will state that Trump is guilty, full stop. Because that's what "rebuttal" means, correct?

Committee chairs in the House including Jerry Nadler, Adam Schiff and Maxine Waters have called upon Bill Barr to cancel today's briefing, as it is useless horseshit. Because Barr literally gives zero fucks about his reputation and apparently is OK with going down in history as a fecal stain on our institutions and the rule of law, the show will go on.

Keep reading... Show less
Donate with CC

Now What? Wonkagenda For Thurs., April 18, 2019

Bill Barr's book report, the NRA is doomed, and Johnny Cash will watch over the Capitol. Your morning news brief!


Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

Keep reading... Show less
Donate with CC

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)


©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc