Trump White House So Mad Everybody Thinks Matthew Whitaker Is Dumb Unqualified Meathead Dickbrain

It's your daily chronicle of how Matthew Whitaker, the fake, make-believe "acting attorney general" Donald Trump illegally installed after firing Jeff Sessions, manages to be dangerous and stupid and highly unqualified and hilariously mock-able, all at the same time!

First of all, "senior officials" in the White House are expressing shock and dismay that they flouted the line of succession at DOJ and stuck in an asslicking sycophant, and instead of just accepting it, America is digging into his story and everything we find out about him makes us say "LOL!" and "what a fucking dipshit!"

Several senior officials told CNN they were surprised by the criticism, and believe it could potentially jeopardize Whitaker's chances of remaining in the post if it continues to dominate headlines.

Haha so sad.

It was not widely known among White House staff that he'd commented repeatedly on the special counsel's investigation in interviews and on television ...

Which is funny, as CNN points out, because Donald Trump hired him from the TV! It was between Matt Whitaker and the My Pillow guy, we guess.

CNN notes that Whitaker's friendship with Trump campaign weirdo moron hack Sam Clovis -- which is one of the many reasons he's too conflicted to oversee the Mueller investigation, because Whitaker and Clovis are BFFs and Clovis is a witness in the Russia investigation -- is why he was on TV in the first place, because Clovis was like "Hey, my normal friend with a fully functioning human brain, if you want to do a job interview with Donald Trump, all you have to do is scam your way on to TV. He'll see you there!"

By the way and for the record, CNN reports that somebody close to Trump says there is NO REASON to believe Whitaker will try to destroy the Mueller investigation with his (allegedly!) 'roided out arm muscles, so that's obviously a lie.

At this point, the hordes of Americans protesting in the streets and the legal experts agree that Matt Whitaker will never be more than a fake "attorney general," since his appointment was completely illegal. Kellyanne Conway's husband George Conway believes the appointment is illegal. John Fucking Yoo believes the appointment is illegal. There is bipartisan agreement on this one, from everybody who hasn't checked their brain at the White House door before climbing up Donald Trump's ass and going to sleep.

There's also the little matter of how Matt Whitaker is BAD AT LAW. Quick! What does he think is the DUMBEST SUPREME COURT DECISION EVER? He said so in 2014:

"There are so many" bad rulings, Mr. Whitaker said. "I would start with the idea of Marbury v. Madison. That's probably a good place to start and the way it's looked at the Supreme Court as the final arbiter of constitutional issues."

Marbury v. Madison. Which established judicial review, perhaps the single most important check on congressional power we have. Which was decided in 180-fucking-3. It's kind of foundational to our democracy.

Here are some more of the SCOTUS decisions Whitaker hates:

All New Deal cases that were expansive of the federal government. Those would be bad. Then all the way up to the Affordable Care Act and the individual mandate."

Trump really truly does pick the best people.

And if we haven't mentioned it in this post seven times already, Whitaker is a scummy, scammy IDIOT. One of his most recent gigs, as a member of the advisory board for a scummy, scammy invention-promotion company, was shut down back in May by the Federal Trade Commission (FTC) and ordered to pay $25 million, for scummily scamming investors. Whitaker made infomercials for the company! They were very bad!

Here's what somebody who invested in the company, World Patent Marketing, had to say about Whitaker's sudden promotion to the top law enforcement official in the land:

"It's really upsetting to know that guy will be attorney general," said Ryan Masti, 26, who lost $77,000 after paying World Patent Marketing to help him bring to market his idea for a social media app to help the disabled. "It's so offensive. It's like a stab in the back."

Yep, for you and for all other patriotic Americans, dude. (Read that whole report if you have time. It's good.)

Another of Whitaker's recent gigs was running the adorably named Foundation for Accountability and Civic Trust (FACT), which seems to be one of those "exists on paper only" wingnut rent-a-lawyer lobbying shops, for idiots:

The group lodged numerous ethics complaints and calls for investigations, targeting Hillary Clinton and Supreme Court nominee Merrick Garland, as well as some Republicans.

Riiiiiiiight. Was superlawyer Larry Klayman not available for the gig? Is that why we had to go way down the sloppy seconds list and interrupt Matt Whitaker's leg day to make him "acting attorney general"?

Anyway, the funding for FACT, WaPo reports, comes from the same scummy scammy dark money group that funds such esteemed groups as Project Veritas, Judicial Watch and the Federalist Society.

And was FACT really anything more than just another grift for Whitaker? Haha, do you even have to ask:

Whitaker received $402,000 in 2016 as FACT's president and director — nearly a third of the donations the group received that year, according to its tax filings. He received $252,000 in 2015, more than half the charity's receipts that year, tax filings show.


Speaking to reporters Friday morning, Donald Trump lied through his teeth and said he had never even met this guy Matt Whitaker, and that he's never talked to him about the Mueller probe, to which we reply, "OK sure you bet, you big fucking liar." Trump knows this guy. He LOVES this guy, because he is big and burly and stupid and his body is entirely made of Big Mac meat, allegedly. Trump also said that Whitaker "was very very highly thought of and still is highly thought of," which is also not true, and that Whitaker is a "very smart man" and a "very respected man," which are two more lies. A good rule for life is that if Trump likes somebody, that person is a highly disrespected fucking moron.

Trump also got mad at reporters that people seem to think he picks fucking idiots because he sees them on TV and gets a thrill up his crusty chunky inner thighs. How is that not a good way to pick people?

Finally, Trump whined at reporters that Robert Mueller wasn't confirmed by the Senate either, because Trump has no goddamned fucking idea how anything works in the whole entire world. Trump said, "they didn't want to bring [Mueller] in front of the Senate" because of all his "conflicts," because he blissfully unaware that Mueller (who doesn't actually have any "conflicts"), as special counsel, is not subject to Senate confirmation.

Will Matt Whitaker still be the pretend "acting attorney general" by 5 o'clock this afternoon? Probably. Let's just thoughts 'n' prayers that he doesn't last many more Scaramuccis than that, because FUUUUUUCK THIS GUY.

[CNN / Washington Post / New York Times]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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