Trump Will Reportedly Fuck The Gays For Jesus On Thursday
We weren't stupid enough to believe it then. Were you?
Once upon a time, a homophobic, hateful scumbag named Mike Pence was governor of Indiana. He signed a law in 2015 that was supposedly about "religious freedom," but in reality was only meant to protect grotesquely stupid fundamentalist Christians from having to bake cakes or arrange flowers for gay homosexuals, because these grotesquely stupid people actually believe their loving Jesus will roast them on a spit in hell if they are nice to gay people.
The "Fuck The Gays" law was insanely unpopular, it made Indiana and its stupid governor the laughingstocks of the nation, and corporations and celebrities and even Christian conventions did everything they could to fuck the state's economy right up in protest. And they succeeded! In fact, the backlash was so intense that lawmakers ended up having to push through a watered down revision of the bill, just to settle things down. In exchange for being such a shitty governor -- who admitted he didn't even understand the bill he signed -- Mike Pence was rewarded when he was tapped as Donald Trump's running mate. That slimy, fake Christian piece of curdled dog shit is now the vice president of the United States.
Ever since Trump was inaugurated, there have been rumors that the morally upright Pussgrabber-In-Chief would throw some red meat to his cousin-romancing base by signing an executive order to protect poor, oppressed conservative Christians in their "religious liberty!" parts, so they won't have to interact with dirty homosexuals in any ways that endanger their eternal salvation. (Because, again, that's a thing these people actually believe.) As Politico notes, back in February, a draft of just such an EO was leaked, probably by Ivanka Trump and her twinky husband Jared Kushner, because they're down with the gays. After some backlash, the administration supposedly walked back its plans to issue that order.
But it's back! And Trump will probably sign it Thursday! And right now we have visions dancing in our heads of stupid gay Trump supporters with their "LGBT for Trump" rainbow flags at Trump's Hitlerjugend rallies, and we are just wondering how they feel about this:
Two senior administration officials confirmed the plan, though one cautioned that it hasn’t yet been finalized, and noted that lawyers are currently reviewing and fine-tuning the draft language. Thursday is the National Day of Prayer, and the White House was already planning to celebrate the occasion with faith leaders.
The signing would represent a major triumph for Vice President Mike Pence—whose push for religious-freedom legislation backfired mightily when he served as governor of Indiana—and his allies in the conservative movement. [...]
Pence and a small team of conservative allies quickly began working behind the scenes to revise the language, and in recent weeks have ratcheted up the pressure on Trump to sign it. The new draft is being tightly held, but one influential conservative who saw the text said it hasn’t been dialed back much—if at all—since the February leak. “The language is very, very strong,” the source said.
Of course, the original order "protected" "Bible-believing Christians" not only from the devil gays, but also had provisions related to denying ladies their slut pills and letting good Christian human persons like Hobby Lobby deny abortion and contraceptive coverage under Obamacare. If the new order looks anything like the old order, it's probably highly unconstitutional, so we guess it's good (for the trash in the White House) that Trump's Hobby Lobby-fellating SCOTUS pick is now officially on the court, so we don't have to worry about petty little things like that.
ANYWAY. We are very curious about those Trump voters who are DEFINITELY not racist/sexist/homophobic, but who just couldn't bring themselves to vote for Hillary Clinton because "BUT HER EMAILS." How will you be defending to your gay friends and family that Dear Leader Trump says they should be denied goods and services because literally the worst people in the country think they're second class citizens? Haha, you won't be, because your gay friends and family just lost your phone number.
Hey, Log Cabin Republicans, you quisling motherfuckers, how are you feeling right now? We know how LCR president Gregory Angelo was feeling just a few days ago, as he queened out about Trump's faaaaaaabulous first 100 days. He said Trump should get a solid A minus grade for his work on gay stuff, and here's why:
“Trump’s first 100 days in office have been something of a mixed bag in regard to LGBT issues, but that was to be expected considering his concurrent outreach to evangelicals and to LGBT voters during his campaign,” Angelo said. “There has been a lot of hand-wringing about a number of ‘non-troversies’ over the past three months — fake news stories about the White House ‘erasing’ gay people from the Census and the White House website, which were nothing more than fundraising ploys to rile up dejected LGBT liberals still reeling from Hillary Clinton’s loss.”
Cool story, bro. What about now? Is this another "non-troversy"?
Maybe this is another false alarm and Ivanka Trump will swoop in and protect all the gays and the lady parts from her dad's grabby hands. But something tells us Evita doesn't actually give a fuck.
Hey all you gays: Ready to get off your asses and #RESIST? We sure the fuck are.
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