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In Washington, it's Impeachment Thirty, Motherfuckers, but in New York, Donald Trump is making the strangest ass of himself at the UN. First of all, we need to note that the president looks more like shit than usual, and that is a pretty high bar when you are talking about the weirdest looking person in the entire known galaxy, if you don't count the unfortunate thing that happened the first time Trump reproduced (that we know of).

We'll get to Trump's Tuesday morning speech in a minute, but let's start on Monday, when Trump took some time to discuss all the Nobel Peace Prizes he'll never win.


I think I'll get a Nobel Prize for a lot of things! I think I'm gonna get a Nobel Prize for a lot of things, if they gave it out fairly, and they don't.

And he went on to bitch and moan and whine about how Barack Obama got one, because of course he did. Have we not recently mentioned that Trump's entire foreign policy is infected with a burning desire to be recognized for the things he believes Obama didn't deserve to be recognized for? In this case, he was in a bilateral meeting with the leader of Pakistan, and was just pretty sure that if he solves the Kashmir situation with a flick of his little wrist, he will get the peace prize finally, obviously, like of course he will, just like he should get one for solving North Korea (did not do) and fixing Middle East (nope) and also for convincing the president of Iran to do a selfie with him. As usual, the only appropriate response is DO NOT CONGRATULATE.

As for him getting a Nobel Prize for "a lot of things," we are just curious which other ones he wants, besides the peace prize. Maybe the "chemistry" one, for making his face look so many disgusting shades of orange using just his makeup and his bad genes? Maybe the physics one, for being able to fit so many Yeti Pubes under one big ginormous gross belly full of beefy farty jelly? The economics one, for his trade policies LOLOLOLOLOL?

One thing Trump will not get a Nobel Prize for is putting Joe Biden in the electric chair, though in his weird obsessive need to come up with excuses for why it's OK that he's been trying to extort Ukraine into ginning up fake investigations into Biden to help his own re-election, he asserted on Monday at the UN that if a Republican had done all the things Biden had done, that Republican would totally get the chair.

Listen to President PAB whine:

"Joe Biden and his son are corrupt, all right?" Trump added. "But the fake news doesn't want to report it because they're Democrats. If that ever happened — if a Republican ever did what Joe Biden did, if a Republican ever said what Joe Biden said, they'd be getting the electric chair by right now. Look at the double standards. You people ought to be ashamed of yourself. . . . You're crooked as hell."

OK, President Sane Person.

And all of that was just Monday! Oh yeah, and there was all that stuff with Greta the climate teenager, which is a whole other post, which is not this post. (It was a Yesterday Post!)

Tuesday morning, Trump addressed the UN general assembly for "Dictator Day," and it was some weird shit. Nobody clapped, Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross slept through the whole thing, the non-White-House-employed adult Trump spawn were present for some reason, and thank God Wonkette pal Aaron Rupar live-tweeted the important parts, so that we may cheat off it, because we ain't watchin' all that shit.

Here is Wilbur Ross takin' a snooze.

Here is Trump saying "the future does not belong to (((GLOBALISTS)))," but that rather it belongs to "PATRI-OTTS," yes, he mispronounced "patriot," because of how he speaks English so goodly. But he didn't mispronounce the anti-Semitic part! He knows that by heart, we guess.

Here is Trump just lazily and boringly reading his speech, and not very well, because he's bad at talking. If you make it through this video without Wilbur Ross-ing right off your chair, then congratulations, you have more endurance than we do.

As Rupar noted, in this little clip, Trump's mouthface started betraying him, where it starts to seem like all his teeth are going to fall out of his face while he has a wee stroke.

Look at this beautiful face.

Look at this peaceful very old baby. WHATCHU DREAMIN' ABOUT, OLD BABY WILBUR?

Here's Trump saying something something FAKE NEWS something something LIBERAL PERFESSERS something something DEEP STATE something something TWITTER IS BANNING PEOPLE FROM FOLLOWING MEEEEEE!111!!!!

But again, he said it really boring. Did somebody put Valium in his breakfast bowl of Big Mac drippins' and milk this morning?

Trump says America will not "fire -- or tire!" of protecting freedom and religious freedom. Yes, as Rupar notes, this is Trump fucking up reading his Teleprompter and trying to pretend he didn't fuck up, which is a thing he always does. If you watch the Chris Hayes show, you have seen one million clips of this, because it makes Hayes giggle.

And finally, here is one more clip of the president being the most boring loser fuckin' try-hard dictator on Planet Earth. If this was your dad, you'd go to the Dad Store and get a refund because boy howdy, what a shitty and dumb and boring dad, but the store wouldn't take him back, so you'd have to take him back home and put him back under his tarp in the garage, which is where he is required to stay now, as punishment for outliving his usefulness:

In summary and in conclusion, ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ, chickenshit wannabe dictator can't even get it up to act like a chickenshit wannabe dictator during his UN speech, this chickenshit wannabe dictator is defective as fuck, SEND IT BACK.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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