Trump Wouldn't Like Jeff Sessions When He's Angry, JK He's An Adorable Old Racist Elf

Here we go again! Is Donald Trump really about to You're Fired the Attorney General for failing to prosecute Hillary for her one million Uraniumghazis? During yesterday's Executive Time, the president hopped on his Twitterphone to let us all know that Jeff Sessions is DISGRACEFUL.

How dare Sessions appoint an actual professional to investigate this bullshit scandal about the FISA warrant on poor, innocent Carter Page, world's dumbest Russian spy wannabe! When Trump orders a political hitjob, dammit, he expects a political hitjob!

So is this time for real? Is Poppy actually going to snap without his Emotional Support Staffer around to turn the steamer on him until he calms down? Tucker and Hannity probably haven't covered it, so maybe he doesn't even know about Mueller's investigation into possible obstruction of justice the other five times he tried to fire Sessions. We rate this a solid maaaaaybe.

WaPo's story is full of juicy details on Trump's rages at the White House and gallows humor at the DOJ, because of course the most successful administration ever leaks like a sieve.

Behind the scenes, Trump has derisively referred to Sessions as “Mr. Magoo,” a cartoon character who is elderly, myopic and bumbling, according to people with whom he has spoken.

HEH HEH. Get it? Because Mister Magoo is blind. Like Marlee Matlin is deaf, so Trump made fun of her for being "mentally retarded." And Lil Jon is black, so he nicknamed him Uncle Tom. Turn down for WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?

Trump has told associates that he has hired the best lawyers for his entire life, but is stuck with Sessions, who is not defending him and is not sufficiently loyal.

Right? When you've been repped by superlawyer Michael Cohen, anyone else is just a letdown. Maybe it would help if Trump thought about it like Sessions was actually the country's lawyer, not his own personal attorney. Because, you know, HE IS.

For his part, Sessions appears to be digging in his heels for the long run.

On the anniversary of Sessions’s confirmation earlier this month, senior aides decided to buy Sessions a bulletproof vest with his name emblazoned on it as a gift, according to a person familiar with the matter.

Totally normal gift for the boss, we here at Wonkette bought one for Trix to go in her Easter basket.

Axios was unable to confirm whether Sessions was wearing the vest in this picture. Probably the presence of Rod Rosenstein and Solicitor General Noel Francisco are better protection anyway.

What an amazing coincidence that the top three guys at the Justice Department chose last night for a casual dinner together in a DC restaurant referred to as the DOJ cafeteria! Department spokesmen insist the meeting had been planned for weeks. It was definitely not a demonstration of solidarity. And Trump should certainly not infer that firing Sessions will slam him directly into a brick wall of resistance at the Justice Department.


Your move, Poppy. Think carefully.

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Please click here to fund our salaries! This week has been fucking bonkers!

[WaPo / Axios]

Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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