Trumpland Election Suits Slam Into Wall Of THAT'S NOT HOW LAW GOES, A-HOLES!

Season 5 Episode 20 GIF by The Simpsons

Donald Trump promised we'd all get tired of winning. We are not tired of winning. (Been doin' it every day since November 3!) But Trump and his minions may be tired of getting their asses kicked in court, and in such humiliating fashion!

On Thursday, Trump and his allies suffered beatdowns in Wisconsin and Georgia, followed by an impressive round of losses Friday in Michigan, Minnesota, Arizona, Nevada, and Wisconsin (again), in their efforts to overturn the results of the election. Saturday it was back to the Peach State for another dick-kicking by the Eleventh Circuit, then ominous orders on Sunday that judges in Michigan and Arizona weren't going to need long evidentiary hearings, and are skipping right to the GTFO stage. Because evidence-free accusations of rampant fraud might fly with Fox News and One America News Network (OANN), but they're not going to cut it in a court of law. MAGA!

Conservative Justice Brian Hagedorn of the Supreme Court of Wisconsin commended the conservative Wisconsin Voters Alliance for its moxie — "At least no one can accuse the petitioners of timidity" — before dropkicking this turkey of a case in which the plaintiffs asked to skip the trial and appellate courts, so as to more expeditiously get the high court to hand the state's ten electoral votes to Donald Trump.

Such a move would appear to be unprecedented in American history. One might expect that this solemn request would be paired with evidence of serious errors tied to a substantial and demonstrated set of illegal votes. Instead, the evidentiary support rests almost entirely on the unsworn expert report of a former campaign employee that offers statistical estimates based on call center samples and social media research.

This petition falls far short of the kind of compelling evidence and legal support we would undoubtedly need to countenance the court-ordered disenfranchisement of every Wisconsin voter. The petition does not even justify the exercise of our original jurisdiction.

Note: This case was decided 4-3. If Justice Jill Karofsky hadn't won that race back in April, we'd have been looking at a different result. God bless Wisconsin Democratic Party chair Ben Wikler!

In Arizona, Chemtrail Kelli Ward, who got tired of losing elections on her own account and instead decided to ruin the state's whole Republican party, got her case tossed out for waiting to long to file and presenting exactly zero evidence of fraud. Similarly in Nevada, Carson City District Judge James Russell was unimpressed with the GOP plaintiffs' list of rando witnesses describing rampant electoral fraud. The phrases "contestants did not prove under any standard of proof" appears literally dozens of times in the order granting dismissal.

A suit in Minnesota was dismissed because the Republican plaintiffs couldn't even be bothered to serve the right county officials, while the Trump campaign's Michigan case seeking to enjoin certification of the election was mooted out because certification already happened two weeks ago.

And speaking of mootness, the Eleventh Circuit was none too impressed with the legal stylings of that wackass Lin Wood in Georgia, who "would not take the district court's 'yes' for an answer" and appealed an order he actually (sort of) won at the trial level.

Wood's arguments reflect a basic misunderstanding of what mootness is. He argues that the certification does not moot anything "because this litigation is ongoing" and he remains injured. But mootness concerns the availability of relief, not the existence of a lawsuit or an injury.

Bye, bitch.

And the winning continues! This morning a federal court in Michigan booted another of Sidney Powell's Kraken cases seeking a restraining order on certification due to lack of standing, failure to sue in timely fashion (the doctrine of "laches"), lack of likelihood of success on the merits, mootness, immunity of state officials from federal suit, and the impropriety of federal courts weighing in on an issue of state law (abstention). But other than that ... FLAWLESS VICTORY.

For these reasons, the Court finds that Plaintiffs are far from likely to succeed in this matter. In fact, this lawsuit seems to be less about achieving the relief Plaintiffs seek—as much of that relief is beyond the power of this Court— and more about the impact of their allegations on People's faith in the democratic process and their trust in our government. Plaintiffs ask this Court to ignore the orderly statutory scheme established to challenge elections and to ignore the will of millions of voters. This, the Court cannot, and will not, do.

The People have spoken.

Meanwhile, Sidney Powell's hearing in Georgia trying to fend off a motion to dismiss appears to be going well.

US District Judge Timothy Batten just this moment dismissed this case from the bench because these claims need to be brought in state court, the plaintiffs lack standing, and they should have brought their claims long ago instead of waiting until the eleventh hour. And, oh hey look at the time! Tomorrow, December 8, is the statutorily mandated "safe harbor" deadline for states to resolve all disputes and recounts and get their shit together for the Electoral College to cast its ballots on December 14.



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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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