Trump's Easter Message To The Children Was Some Weird Shit

We are all that bunny. Unless that bunny is Sean Spicer, in which case we are not that bunny.

Um, happy Easter, America. On Monday, the White House had its annual Easter Egg Roll, because that's what happens on Easter Monday. And the children frolicked and played and had books joyfully read in their general directions by Sarah Huckabee Sanders, and of course, the president of the United States, who is totally normal and cuddly and is also 100% sentient and knows where he is at all times, spoke to the children. And oh, the things he told them!

I want to thank the White House Historical Association and all the people who work so hard to keep this incredible house, or building or whatever you want to call it. Because there really is no name for it.

Indeed, there is not. It's a pity we don't have a name for the building the White House Historical Association takes care of. Because after all:

It’s special and we keep it in tip-top shape.

They keep the lawn very nice and do all necessary fixer-upper repairs at 1600 Pennsvylania Avenue, AKA the Building With No Name.

We call it sometimes "tippy-top shape."

Wait, is he saying sometimes he calls the building with no name "Tippy-Top Shape"? Does the president's calendar say sometimes he is at Mar-a-Lago and sometimes he is at TIPPY-TOP SHAPE? Maybe that is what Dr. Ronny said about the president's very good body after his medical examination, which obviously didn't include a full neurological check-up.

And it's a great, great place.

Well, it will be great again after the 2020 election, at least. Glad they're keeping it in "tippy-top shape" for the next time we have a real president.

Trump then shifted into talking to kids, in their own language, about things kids care about:

You look at the economy, you look at what's happening, nothing's ever easy, but we have never had an economy like we have right now ...

Not that the children were paying attention, BECAUSE THEY WERE THERE FOR A CHILDREN'S EASTER BUNNY PARTY, but the stock market spent Monday afternoon nose-diving, partially because President Tippy-Top Shape is having a one-sided Twitter war with the CEO of Amazon. But aside from that.

Anything else?

Our military is now at a level, will soon be at a level that it's never been before, it's, uh, you see what's happening, and you see what's happening with funding, the funding of our military, was so important . [...] Just think of $700 billion dollars, because that's all going into our military this year.

We would spend more time analyzing this truly historical presidential address to the nation's children, but unfortunately our senile fuckwit of a president has done and said many more crazy ass things since this happened, therefore we must move on.

Besides, that bunny's face says everything already.


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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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