Trump's FCC Guy Just Killed Poors' Obamanet. Don't We Feel Safer Already?

Another day, another way for the so-called "Trump administration" to show how much they hate the poor. Time’s a-wastin’, boys, so get to hatin’!

Never mind, they are totally ON IT.

Last March, when the War on the Poor was a rearguard action being waged by Paul Ryan and his Merry Band of Shitheels, the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) extended the existing Lifeline phone subsidy program to cover broadband internet access for poor Americans. Were you aware that lack of internet service might deter people from applying for jobs, finishing homework, and participating in civil society? Shut up, Hippie! What do you know about regulating the Intertubes!

In fact, subsidizing phone service to poor people was dreamed up under that noted Community Organizer Ronald Reagan, continued under Papa Bush and Mrs. Clinton’s Husband, then expanded to include cellphones in 2008 during the Dubya Days. We all paid a little bit extra on our phone bills to support the program, we all grumbled, then we all turned on the teevee and forgot about it.

So far, so white.

But then we got a black President from Kenyonesia, and the previously uncontroversial program morphed into OBAMAPHONEGHAZIGATE!!!!!1!! A sinister plot to provide free cellphones to drug dealers and terrorists and kidnappers of pretty blond girls!!

As any Fox News viewer knows, we only trap the poor in a cycle of dependence by making their lives a little less shitty. Just how much less shitty are we talking about? Welp! Those Lucky Ducky Medicaid and Food Stamp recipients qualify for a whole $9.25 per month discount on either their phone or internet bill!

NINE DOLLARS AND TWENTY-FIVE CENTS. That’s less than a week of service on Cricket Mobile. And we don’t even subject them to humiliation to get it. Injust! Unpossible!

Never fear, Wonkers, because the Gropenfuhrer Administration is gearing up to destroy the Lifeline program make the Lifeline program even better by rooting out waste, fraud and abuse. Praise the Lord!!

What specific waste, fraud and abuse they can’t say. But new FCC Commissioner Ajit Pai has the right to cancel any licenses granted to Lifeline internet providers in the last 30 days of the previous administration, and that’s exactly what he did on Friday afternoon to the nine companies approved in December and January.

Claiming that the licenses had been rammed through without allowing sufficient debate or comment, Pai abruptly revoked the licenses without allowing any time for debate or commentary.

To be fair, it was absolutely essential to revoke the license for the telecom company Kajeet, which provides mobile hotspots to kids in 300 school districts so they can complete their homework at night. Pai meticulously detailed his reasoning in the Order on Reconsideration issued Friday, February 3.

HAHAHAHA! Nope. I waded through the the whole thing. They mumbled something about a missing page on Native American Tribes in the applications and the aforementioned WASTEFRAUDANDABUSE, then called it a day. Seriously, these people aren’t even trying to pretend any more.

Cheer up, Pai! It’s only your first month on the job. I’m sure you’ll hit your stride next week when you go after Net Neutrality.


Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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