Trump's Doctor 'Candy Man' Running For Congress, Tells Texas District It's Just Big-Boned
Ronny Jackson, the former White House doctor who proclaimed Donald Trump in perfect health and definitely svelte, then noped out of his appointment as secretary of Veterans Affairs last year once it was clear he'd never be confirmed, has filed to run for Congress in 2020. CNN has the deets:
A Texas native, Jackson is running as a Republican in the 13th District, which opened after longtime GOP incumbent Rep. Mac Thornberry announced his retirement in September. Trump won the district by 63 points in 2016.
CNN notes Monday was the very last day to file to run, so kudos to Jackson, who served as a White House doc in both the Obama and Trump administrations, for getting his job search going just a week after retiring from the Navy. It's good for retirees to have hobbies, like making the nation's laws.
CNN also confirmed that the Pentagon is still investigating Jackson for allegations, which emerged after his nomination as VA secretary, that he had handed prescription drugs out like crazy on overseas trips, earning him the nickname the "candy man" around the White House, and presumably not for his uncanny Gene Wilder impression. Other allegations involved Jackson showing up drunk for work. On one trip during the Obama administration, it's alleged that Jackson drunkenly pounded on a female staffer's hotel door and yelled so loudly that Secret Service agents had to take him back to his own room, so he wouldn't interrupt Obama's sleep and/or Muslim prayers.
When he hit the eject button on his nomination, Jackson insisted the claims against him were "completely false and fabricated," and possibly the work of a man who only had one arm but was otherwise in excellent health due to his incredibly good genes.
Despite Jackson's name recognition as "that guy who said Trump weighed 239 pounds, can you fucking believe it," Jackson may not be a shoo-in for the nomination, since as Texas GOP communications director Sam Pohl told CNN, there are 13 other Republicans running for the seat as well. The Texas Tribune reports some of the other Rs seeking the seat hope they can hurt Jackson by pointing out he doctored on Barack Obama, and may have liberal socialist Benghazi-murdering cooties as a result. Chris Ekstrom, a big-shot GOP money guy from Dallas, wasted no time reminding voters whose pulse Jackson had taken, in
a statement welcoming "President Obama's Doctor Ronny Jackson" to the race and noting Obama's past praise for Jackson.
"The Obama Administration was a disastrous eight year period that destroyed the middle class, attacked traditional conservative values at every turn, and opened our borders to dangerous criminals and cartels," the statement said. "We welcome a spirited debate about which candidate will best represent the conservative values of Texas 13 in the weeks ahead."
As the primary moves forward, we have little doubt that other Republicans running for the seat will point out that Jackson has no doubt seen the Kenyan Usurper naked, and may even have touched the former president's swimsuit area or even his prostrate in an exam, and do we want someone like that in Washington, we do not!
In other news, there is absolutely no truth to the rumor that Trump's earlier overenthusiastic physician, Dr. Harold Bornstein, has been cast to replace Brett Spiner in the next Independence Day movie.
That's just a silly and very stale internet meme. In reality, Dr. Bornstein will be leading an elite surgical team tasked with removing Attorney General William Barr from way up Donald Trump's ass.
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Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.