Trump's Gonna Blame Peter Strzok For Coronavirus Before This Is Over, Isn't He?

Love it when Donald Trump says the quiet part loud:

There it is!

What is Trump worried about with coronavirus? Not you dying, and not your Nana dying. And it's not even Wall Street in an abstract way. Every single bit of it is about his fucking re-election. Therefore this crisis is 100 percent about him, even if it might not seem that way to the 13 people who died in 24 hours at Elmhurst hospital in Queens yesterday, whose bodies were then stored in the refrigerator truck they had to use as a makeshift morgue, because there were so many of them.

That, too, was about Trump. Did you hear he was born in Queens? See, it's about him.

The coronavirus crisis is being inflicted upon Trump by the "LameStream Media," which is doing BESMIRCHES to him by trying to accurately report on the crisis. On top of that, they're interviewing public health experts who, like Trump's public health experts, know full fucking well we're not going to be able to miraculously open the country back up in time for the Easter Bunny to stay at one of Trump's roach motels. And they're doing this — encouraging people to stay at home to flatten the curve and buy us time to get a handle on this pandemic that's currently killing a lot of people — to hurt Trump's chances in November. You betcha!

And this is offensive to Trump because the "real people" — i.e. white people who voted for him — want to get back to work. And as Fox News has been explaining, if they get back to work and get infected and end up killing other high-risk real people, like members of their family who are older or have immune deficiencies, that's all worth it to protect Trump's beautiful economy. (You know, the economy Barack Obama handed him on a silver spoon, like every other thing that's ever been handed to Trump. Look, he's the most loathed president in American history, the halfway decent economy was the one thing he had, aside from foreign election interference.)

So who is doing this to him? Well, obviously the media, like he said. CNN, the failing New York Times, the Amazon Washington Post, MSDNC. By next week, he'll probably be sweat-tweeting from his golden potty about Peter Strzok and Lisa Page and Bruce Ohr and Fusion GPS and Andrew McCabe and James Comey and obviously Hillary Clinton. Wanna take bets on what day Ukraine gets blamed for sending America coronavirus?

Paula Reid of CBS asked Trump about his tweet during his late-afternoon Watch Me Fap My Corona session Wednesday, and that piece of shit said this:

TRUMP: The media would like to see me do poorly in the election!

REID: Lawmakers and economists on both sides of the aisle have said that reopening the country by Easter is not a good idea. What is that plan based on?

TRUMP: Just so you understand, are you ready? I think there are certain people that would like it not to open so quickly, I think there are certain people who would like it to do financially poorly, because they think that would be very good as far as defeating me at the polls. And, I don't know if that's so, but I do think it's so that there are a lot of people in your profession that would like that to happen. I think it's very clear [...] that there are people in your profession that write fake news. You do! She does! There are people in your profession that write fake news. They would love to see me, for whatever reason — because we've done one hell of a job, nobody's done the job that we've done — and it's lucky that you have this group here right now for this problem, or you wouldn't even have a country left!

Un. Fucking. Believable. Except it's not unbelievable, it's what we expect from this goddamn barely elected clown who happens to be the stupidest and most thin-skinned person in the entire United States.

Did you catch the part where he condescendingly said, "Just so you understand, are you ready"? He was talking to a female reporter. He doesn't like talking to common female reporters.

So, Trump's desire to resurrect the country by Easter, which would be bigger than whatever Jesus did, nobody's ever done a resurrection like Trump's resurrection, is all about his re-election, just like everything else is.

So where is the "I would like you to do us a favor, though," like he said on his perfect Ukraine phone call, where he extorted Ukraine's President Volodymyr Zelenskyy for illegal election assistance? Haha, that's easy! Because Trump told Fox News this week that it's a "two-way street" between him and the governors of the states experiencing the worst of the coronavirus so far.

TRUMP: It's a two-way street. They have to treat us well, also. They can't just say, "Oh, gee, we should get this. We should get that."

Hey, remember Trump's impeachment? Remember how many times Adam Schiff laid out "what if" scenarios, wherein a disaster might hit a state, and Trump might try to withhold aid from that state to get the governor's endorsement? Remember all the Democrats who laid out that exact same scenario, because what would stop Trump from doing that if the Senate acquitted him and thereby said that was OK?

Remember impeachment witness and law professor Pam Karlan, the one who committed the sin of saying Barron Trump's name in public, who was, we believe, the first to draw the analogy?

Little did we know that just over a month later, we'd be in that exact situation, with a global pandemic.

As Schiff said in his closing arguments in the Senate:

SCHIFF: You will not change him. You cannot constrain him. He is who he is. Truth matters little to him. What's right matters even less, and decency matters not at all.

And here we are.

So far, because coronavirus is hitting strongest initially in the places where the people live the most — the places people actually travel to, where tourism is strong, that are most connected to the rest of the world — the major outbreaks have been mostly in blue states. And he's already blaming the "snake" Jay Inslee and President Andrew Cuomo for whatever his own administration fucks up in those states.

But the red state outbreak is coming. Based on the Kinsa take-your-temperature map of atypical illnesses, it looks like it might be in Florida. It might be in Mississippi, where Governor Tater Tot The Clown Reeves is doing Bible readings instead of actually, you know, fighting coronavirus. (More on him later today!)

Will Trump be more helpful in states like Mississippi and Florida, where the governors are willing to suck his ass? Maybe. Those guys would definitely "do us a favor, though," and Trump considers them to be real people.

But it's just as likely that by then, Trump will have fucked up the American response to coronavirus so badly that he can add "killed off American state full of his own supporters" to his list of ACHOMLISHMENTS.

And for once, when Trump says "Nobody's ever done anything like this before," he'll be telling the goddamned truth.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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