The initial briefs have been filed in the impeachment trial of Donald John Trump in the United States Senate. The Democrats' brief is 111 pages long, and lays out the high crimes and misdemeanors Trump committed, which resulted in him being impeached forever on two articles in the House. Calling Trump "the framers' worst nightmare," it argues, in plain yet elegant English, how Trump abused his power and obstructed Congress, how his actions threatened and undermined American national security, and why he should be convicted on both articles and removed from office.

You should read it with your children later, in place of your usual evening Bible reading!

In response, the Trump administration, shepherded by White House Counsel Pat Cipollone and Trump personal lawyer Jay Sekulow, managed to fingerpaint out seven pages of horseshit that will surely be taught in all the law schools, in a new course about Trump's lawyers called "How To Law Bad And Do Other Stuff Bad Too." If it reminds you of the hilarious letter Cipollone penned to Congress in October about how impeachment is not real and Congress and the Constitution are neither Donald Trump's real dad nor his real mom, that's because Cipollone appears to have copy/pasted/treason paraphrased it, which is known in the legal world as "lazyass."

It begins:

The Articles of Impeachment submitted by House Democrats are a dangerous attack on the right of the American people to freely choose their President. This is a brazen and unlawful attempt to overturn the results of the 2016 election and interfere with the 2020 election -- now just months away.

LOL, please eat America's entire ass at your earliest convenience, Pat.

Trump is being impeached because he, having only "won" in 2016 because Russia and James Comey gave him a two-fisted reach-around that allowed him to squeeze by in the Electoral College by the hair of his tiny nutsack, then embarked on an illegal campaign to force Ukraine to help him steal the 2020 election, because cheating is the only way that loser can "win."

The Articles of Impeachment are constitutionally invalid on their face

The Articles of Impeachment are constitutionally invalid on YOUR face!

They fail to allege any crime or violation of law whatsoever, let alone "high crimes and Misdemeanors," as required by the Constitution.

Actually impeachment does not require a specific crime, but no matter, because bribery and extortion and soliciting foreign interference in elections are all crimes.

Cipollone tries and fails to make a case against each article individually, saying READ TEH STJAKSJDK;FJDSFAIPT`1 and IT WAS A PERFECT PHONE CALL! -- although we give old Cip credit for not just copy/pasting his boss's toilet tweets verbatim. (At least not all of them.) He notes the Ukrainian president has said several times (with a proverbial gun to his head) that there was "no pressure!" and that EU Ambassador Gordon Sondland said Trump told him "no quid pro quo!" despite how Sondland came back and amended his testimony to say that actually the quid pro quo was obvious and "everyone was in the loop," and also despite how the phone call where Trump supposedly told Sondland "no quid pro quo" proooooooobably was imaginary.

Oh yes, and in this very legal and very cool letter, the White House counsel argues with a straight face, and in no way that betrays the shame he should feel about this, and in no way suggests a self-awareness that acknowledges that he should feel embarrassed to show his face in his local Cracker Barrel/Olive Garden-type establishment for the rest of all eternity ... well, he argues this:

Not only does the evidence collected by House Democrats refute each and every one of the factual [BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH LIES LIES LIES LIES BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH]. When the House Democrats realized this, Mr. Schiff created a fraudulent version of the July 25 call and read it to the American people at a congressional hearing, without disclosing that he was simply making it all up. The fact that Mr. Schiff felt the need to fabricate a false version of the July 25 call proves that he and his colleagues knew there was absolutely nothing wrong with that call.

Oh my fucking God, these lying shitholes are going to take this "Adam Schiff made up a treason paraphrase!" garbage all the way to their graves, aren't they? For what obviously will not be the last time, the only thing Schiff did was take the summary of the call and help illuminate the subtext of what the world's stupidest mafia don Donald Trump was trying to communicate to President Volodymyr Zelenskyy. Yes, he paraphrased a bit, after SAYING WITH HIS MOUTH that he was going to paraphrase a bit. Let us go to the tape, because of how there is tape: "It reads like a classic organized crime shakedown. Shorn of its rambling character and in not so many words, this is the essence of what the President communicates," said Schiff, "without disclosing" YOUR ASS, PAT. Nothing he said was not in the spirit of the words of the READ TEHT REANSAEUTIPORT!

And no, Schiff did not do that because the Democrats' case was going poorly. This is just a stupid lie from a stupid liar and his stupid lying White House counsel, who should be embarrassed to leave his house to go check out the big sales at the Big Lots ever again.

Here, watch the video again:

Now READ TEH TAJTS;K;DFAJJVARITP;!, in case you have not done so a thousand times already. They're the same. Again, all Schiff did was illuminate the text. If you can read at a third-grade level or higher, you can see what was wrong with the call.

We realize Cipollone is writing to a different audience, though, AKA people who support Donald Trump.

The letter whinyasses some more, bitching that Trump didn't get to call any witnesses for the closed-door depositions in the House (CALL THEM NOW, CHICKENSHITS!) and says Trump didn't obstruct Congress because he declassified the White House summary of the PERFECT PHONE CALL, as if Trump is actually being impeached over one phone call and not a campaign that lasted a year or more to force Ukraine to meddle in the 2020 election for the benefit of Donald Trump, to the detriment of Ukraine and oh yeah, for the benefit of Vladimir Putin's Russia, because as Speaker Nancy Pelosi once remarked, "All roads lead to Putin" with Trump.

The letter concludes with some more bitching and moaning, but it's written too poorly for us even to enjoy mocking it further.

Enjoy your impeachment trial, motherfuckers!

[Some Fucking Whining Right Here]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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