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HOLY WEEKEND NEWS DUMPS! While Donald Trump was across the ocean getting dunked on by Emmanuel Macron and skipping ceremonies for war heroes because he was scared his shithole hair would get messed up, journalists kept digging into the life and times of Trump's fake acting attorney general Matthew Whitaker, and DAMN. All's we know is that the Deep State must fuckin' HAAAAAAAAATE that guy, whose appointment was probably completely illegal and unconstitutional in the first place so why are we even talking about this.

We already knew bits and pieces about Matt Whitaker's scammy scummy fraud-y old gig, on the advisory board of a scammy scummy fraud-y company called World Patent Marketing, that did some MILD FRAUDS. When customers got mad, Whitaker would write them mean threatening letters. (You should read about how they "scammed US military veterans out of their life savings," as The Guardian puts it. Happy Veterans Day!)

What we didn't know -- and what one of the victims and also some other unknown people (deep state!) were more than happy to tell the Wall Street Journal -- is that FUCKIN' COMPANY IS UNDER FBI INVESTIGATION. And Whitaker was on the advisory board! And he made videos for the company! And he sent those mean threatening letters! What we're saying is that Whitaker is in deep.


The investigation is being handled by the Miami office of the FBI and by the U.S. Postal Inspection Service, according to an email sent to the alleged victim last year by an FBI victim specialist. A recording on a phone line set up by the Justice Department to help victims said Friday the case remains active.

According to an ethics expert WSJ spoke to, Justice Department rules would preclude Whitaker from having any involvement in the investigation, and this is the Trump administration, so we know rules are always followed.

World Patent Marketing's earlier troubles came from the Federal Trade Commission (FTC), but if the FBI is involved, that means people might GO TO JAIL.

To recap: the FBI. Which is part of DOJ. Is investigating Matt Whitaker's old company. That he was on the advisory board for and did all the thuggy things for. Which would SUGGEST that Matt Whitaker is probably under investigation himself. Allegedly.

HAHAHAHAHA GUESS IT'S NOT SO DIFFERENT FROM HAVING JEFF SESSIONS IN THERE, IF THE ATTORNEY GENERAL IS UNDER INVESTIGATION LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE JUST TWO YEARS AGO AMERICA WAS KNOWN AS THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.

It's possible Whitaker isn't under investigation anymore. The Washington Post reports that the feds looked at Whitaker's dealings with the company "last year." WaPo also reports that when the FTC came a-calling with a subpoena for Whitaker's records, he told them to fuck off because he was too busy right then. All patriotic Americans know that if you get a subpoena and you are very busy, you just check off the box that says "BRB DOIN' STUFF" and the subpoena is rendered invalid.

This is all totally normal and good past behavior for the acting attorney general of the United States.

Anyway, so it sounds like the regular Deep State is leakin' on Matt Whitaker and hates his dumb little 'roid rage weenus (ALLEGEDLY!), but it sounds like the Deep State in the WHITE HOUSE (the anonymous one, maybe???) hates him too, because Vox has an exclusive report on the little secret sexxx chats Trump and Whitaker have had about 1) how to make the NO COLLUSION WITCH HUNT go away and also 2) how to convince the DOJ to go after Trump's political enemies, like Ol' Lock Her Up and whomever else was making Trump's asshole itch that day.

Remember how Trump lied last week and said he didn't even know Matt Whitaker? Right. About that!

Matthew Whitaker, whom President Donald Trump named as his acting attorney general on Wednesday, privately provided advice to the president last year on how the White House might be able to pressure the Justice Department to investigate the president's political adversaries ...

As Vox notes, back in May, Trump was all pissed off demanding that DOJ investigate whether Obama did "wire tapps" to him. Jeff Sessions and Rod Rosenstein were like "Hey look, Donald, squirrel!" and otherwise just tried to ignore it. Whitaker, as Sessions's chief of staff, was "helping" Sessions figure out how to tell the White House to eat shit as politely as possible. But that's not all he was doing.

[A]ccording to one former and one current administration official, Whitaker was simultaneously counseling the White House on how the president and his aides might successfully pressure Sessions and Rosenstein to give in to Trump's demands. [...]

[T]wo other people with firsthand information about the matter told me that Whitaker, in his conversations with the president, presented himself as a vigorous supporter of Trump's position and "committed to extract as much as he could from the Justice Department on the president's behalf."

One administration official with knowledge of the matter told me: "Whitaker let it be known [in the White House] that he was on a team, and that was the president's team."

Oh. Because that's totally how shit is supposed to work in America. And how often did Trump and the chief of staff to the attorney general Trump liked to yell at on Twitter a whole bunch have these little sexxx meetings? "At least ten times," according to one of Vox's sources who is a "former senior administration official." Was Jeff Sessions always present for those? Vox's source gonna go with probably? But Whitaker also liked to talk on the Obamaphone with Trump and John Kelly, so God only knows what else they talked about.

As one senior law enforcement official told me, "Nobody else knew what was said on those calls except what Whitaker decided to tell others, and if he did, whether he was telling the truth. Who ever heard of a president barely speaking to his attorney general but on the phone constantly with a staff-level person?"

Awesome. Vox's sources say Whitaker was Trump's ally in getting Sessions to appoint a special counsel to investigate Hillary Clinton's uraniums ...

... but somebody Whitaker knows told Vox he was just licking Trump's ass like everybody else does.

Guess we'll find out if/when Matt Whitaker appoints a second special counsel to investigate Hillary Clinton some more, because that's something new and different!

If Whitaker even lasts that long.

Of course, we have no idea who these journalists are talking to, but it does seem to us like things are getting LEAKY LEAKY now that Trump has dispatched Jeff Sessions back to Alabama and replaced him with some meathead moron who says he's pretty. On Friday, we also learned that Michael Cohen wasn't tellin' no lies when he said in court that not only did Donald Trump know about the illegal payoffs to Stormy Daniels and Karen McDougal, he directed those operations, and that moreover, Trump and his National Enquirer pal David Pecker knew damn well they were violating the law.

Sources told NBC News late last week (no link, we saw it on the TV) that if Donald Trump were not president, he would likely be facing the same felony charges as Michael Cohen is. You know, just in case Trump needed a reminder that the Southern District of New York, which got the nickname "Sovereign District of New York" for a reason, is still living rent free ALL THE WAY UP HIS ASS.

Have a good day, Mister President!

[Wall Street Journal / Vox]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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