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Have you heard of our friend, Jesus? He is just this dude who walks with us and talks with us and loves us just as we are without one plea, and oh yeah, almost forgot, HE DIED TO WASH AWAY YOUR MASTURBATION SINS. He is also allegedly friends with Donald Trump's "spiritual advisor" Paula White, a TV preacher, who had some thoughts to share after visiting one of Trump's jails for migrant brown children. First of all, she says the baby jails are super nice and have granite countertops and everything.

Also:


I think so many people have taken Biblical scriptures out of context on this, saying stuff like "well Jesus was a refugee." Yes, he did live in Egypt for three and a half years, but it was not illegal. If he had broke the law he would have been sinful, and he would not have been their messiah!

WE QUESTION YOUR BIBLE TRIVIA KNOWLEDGE, ASSHOLE.

First of all, Jesus was a total law-breaker, at least in the eyes of the teachers of the Jewish law, and also in the eyes of the Roman government.

John 5:18:

For this reason they tried all the more to kill him; not only was he breaking the Sabbath, but he was even calling God his own Father, making himself equal with God.

WHOA IF TRUE JESUS, U BAD!

He was furthermore known for breaking what's known as the "Oral Torah," i.e. the traditions in Jewish law not written down in Torah.

Also, remember that time Jesus was crucified? (He sure does!) The Roman government didn't just say, "We crucify you, for no reason!" He was crucified because he had been deemed a criminal, having violated far greater laws than the misdemeanor committed in a first-time illegal border crossing into the United States from Mexico. He was accused of claiming to be a "king" (even though He really didn't, actually), which was very illegal, therefore He was crucified under Roman law.

Now, we can have a discussion over whether the Jewish leaders or the Roman government bore more of the blame for Jesus's wrongful conviction, but we're not gonna. We could have a theological discussion about what it means that, according to scripture, Jesus came not to destroy the law, but to fulfill it, but we don't wanna do that either, because we want to keep this on Paula White's level.

We will point out, though, that Jesus and his family most definitely were refugees, in every sense of the word. They got the fuck out of Bethlehem (Matthew 2) because King Herod was going to murder all the firstborn baby boys, much like families fleeing Central America are running because gangs are GOING TO KILL EVERYONE. So they went to Egypt for a while!

Does Paula White know this? Well, she might have learned it in seminary, IF SHE HAD EVER FUCKING GONE THERE:

Rev. Dr. Chuck Currie isn't Fake Newsin' you there either. Paula White ain't got a degree in shit. Moreover, we're pretty sure she doesn't speak Hebrew, Aramaic or Greek, considering how she is a TV "pastor" whose "job" is bilking stupid people out of their money. In other words, she is a con man, just like the president of the United States. (OK fine, she is a con LADY.)

In summary and in conclusion, Paula White should STFU about Bible and STFU about refugees and when she's done with that, she should STFU some more.

IN JESUS'S NAME, AMEN.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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The producers of your favorite live-action Jack Chick pamphlet, "God's Not Dead" -- you know, the one where the Hercules dude plays an evil philosophy professor who tells all of his students on the first day that they are no longer allowed to believe in god? As all secular professors do? -- have come out with a thrilling new movie, all about how abortion is bad or whatever.

The movie tells the "true" story of Abby Johnson, a former Planned Parenthood clinic worker turned professional anti-choicer. Johnson has been a darling of the forced birth circuit ever since she made up ridiculous and provably false reasons for quitting the Planned Parenthood that was about to fire her for being bad at her job.

Basically, she claims that Planned Parenthood was pushing her to make more abortions happen so they could reel in more dough, and also that she witnessed (for the first time ever!) an ultrasound-guided abortion and saw the baby move from the light and then immediately realized that what she was doing was wrong.

The thing is, however -- no ultrasound-guided abortions were performed on the day she said it happened, and the only reason there was an uptick in abortions at her clinic was because they started offering the abortion pill on a daily basis (and had previously only been performing surgical abortions every other Saturday).

As you may have guessed, the movie does not address any of these things. It also looks very, very bad.

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Ever since Ruth Bader Ginsburg successfully underwent surgery for lung cancer, conservative sites and message boards have been trafficking in a ridiculous theory that she is actually dead and that there is some kind of Weekend at Bernie's-esque conspiracy to pretend she is still alive.

Now, one would think that her recent public appearance at a concert held in her honor would have put this to rest. Alas, it did not. Rather, the "researchers" (as they hilariously call themselves) determined that the concert was actually her funeral.

No. Really. That was a thing.

I admit that I gave this a lot more thought than I should have. Like, how did they think this would go? How long did they imagine this would go on for? Why would they risk having a full on funeral concert, open to the press? Wouldn't they just have not bothered to have a funeral at all? And what did these people think was going to happen when it was announced that she died for real? Or did they think that we were going to pretend that she is immortal and thus never announce her death? It's so confusing!

Being very up to date on the "RBG is secretly dead!" nonsense, I was very curious about which way the "anons" would go with this when they announced her return to work on Friday. They did not disappoint!

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