Trump's West Virginia Speech: A Dementiasplainer
We are all this piece of paper.
Have we mentioned that the president is FUCKBONKERS INSANE? Yesterday he gave an absolutely batcrap crazy speech in West Virginia. He had some tax words written up, but he tossed them aside because, you know, that shit's just boring.
NOT GONNA BE BORING!— Steven Portnoy (@stevenportnoy) April 5, 2018
Trump tosses his prepared remarks into the air in White Sulphur Springs, WV. pic.twitter.com/Vl0hys2jnL
You know, this was going to be my remarks. It would have taken about two minutes but, what the hell. That would have been a little boring. Little boring. No, I’m reading off the first paragraph and I said, “This is boring. Come on.” We have to say — tell it like it is
Trump was in Sulphur Springs to talk about tax reform. But instead, he blessed the crowd with some freestyle ranting and a report on all the fun facts he learned from the rabid weasels that live in his head. Let's Maniasplore!
Have you heard? There was A ELECTION!
As usual, Trump got the ball rolling by talking about his yuuuge electoral win in 2016.
But it’s wonderful to be back in West Virginia. It was a very special place during the election for me. It was not even close. Was it? Huh?
Nope. You fooled 'em real good!
And we won -- I think we won here by 42 points or something. Some incredible number. Forty-two points.
When was that? Oh, back in 2016. Well, at least this part of the speech had the virtue of being true.
West Virginia is now a paradise on earth!
A lot of things have happened with your coal and a lot of other things that you’re doing in West Virginia. But they’ve all happened for the positive.
And actually, you’re one of the most successful, now — percentage-wise, you’re one of the most successful in the nation. And I could not say that during the election. Right? Before we got elected, it was not doing so well. And a lot of factors, but we got it going. And I’m very proud of it because you are very, very special people. That I can tell you.
And once we get WALL, the opioid crisis will be all fixed. See, that's why Trump is cutting Medicare and Medicaid, since we won't need drug treatment once Mexico coughs up the cash to built that monstrosity.
And we’re spending a lot of money on research so that it’s not so addictive — painkillers that aren’t so addictive. These are painkillers where you go into a hospital, you come out, you’re a drug addict. And then we have the more normalized drug problem, and a lot of that comes through the southern border. And that’s one of the other reasons we’re being very strong with the National Guard and with the wall. And we’re going to get it stopped. We’re going to get it stopped.
We don’t need — it’s not even — we don’t — it’s not like we have a choice. We have to get it stopped and we will.
Hey, Donald! Wanna tell us some lies about brown people!
Boy does he ever!
You know, we’ve gone into towns in Long Island where we’ve taken MS-13 and we’ve actually liberated towns. This is our country, right? I grew up in Long Island, right short of Long Island. And these are great towns; I know every one of them. And they were taken over by thugs, by — you know, they talk about guns; they didn’t want to use guns. They use knives because it’s much more painful, where they cut people up, because a bullet is too quick. They want to inflict pain on students, on young women, young girls walking home. And their parents never see them again. They’re cut up.
And don't forget the "caravan" of human rights refugees marching together through Mexico so they don't get raped and robbed along the way.
And remember my opening remarks at Trump Tower, when I opened. Everybody said, “Oh, he was so tough,” and I used the word “rape.” And yesterday, it came out where, this journey coming up, women are raped at levels that nobody has ever seen before. They don’t want to mention that.
Anyway, Donald Trump knows who is to blame for this mess. And it is Joe Manchin!
Mexico has been pretty good. They were very good to us yesterday because, you know, they had the caravan of thousands of people coming up from Honduras. Thousands of people. And we have very weak laws because of the Democrats and Joe. I mean, Joe Manchin is just -- he’s really not helped us on this stuff.
But don't worry! If you just allow police to beat the shit out of people, it will all be fine.
You have to see, there are some scenes of — the ICE people, they’re fantastic and they’re tough. And, by the way, that’s the only thing that these thugs understand. They don’t understand, “Oh, isn’t he an intelligent young man, isn’t he wonderful. He studied so hard in school.” They don’t — they only want tough. That’s all they understand.
And these ICE guys are so much tougher than them, and they’re grabbing them by the necks and throwing them into the paddy wagons. And the town — the people are clapping and screaming.
He also bitched that babies born here get to be citizens automatically. Because CONSTITUTION, HOW DOES IT WORK?
Chain Migration + Democrats + Voting = WE HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA!
Trump told a bunch of lies about scary MS-13s with machetes bringing in their 97 cousins to vote Democratic. Which is why Democrats killed DACA, doncha know!
And they like it because they think they’re going to vote Democrat. Okay? Believe me, they’re doing that for that reason.
They’re doing it for that reason and other reasons. And other reasons. And other reasons. But they are doing it for that reason, because they’re not going to be voting with us for the most part. A lot of them aren’t going to be voting. A lot of times it doesn’t matter, because in many places, like California, the same person votes many times. You probably heard about that. They always like to say, “Oh, that’s a conspiracy theory.” Not a conspiracy theory, folks. Millions and millions of people.
Yes, we saw it on Fox yesterday. The Grand Marshall of Oakland County doesn't even make the MS-13s leave their machetes at the door when they come in to vote seven times. SAD!
But enough about you, let's talk about ME!
And I just want to congratulate the state of West Virginia because I am so proud of you. You were with me from day one. From day one. I mean, it was — (applause) — no, you were with me from day one. There was never like, “Oh, gee, maybe it’s going to be close.”
Oh, not this shit again.
But I remember I said that. Because I was seeing these polls and we were so far ahead. I said, “Do you think it would be okay if I went to Pennsylvania?” Which, by the way, we won. And if I went to North Carolina, which by the way, we won — and Wisconsin and Michigan, where it was close. States that hadn’t been won by Republicans in many, many years. So I really appreciate West Virginia. And I’m very proud of you, and your numbers are incredible. And, you know, you’re among the — percentage-wise, you’re among the greatest gainers in this country, and I think it’s great and it just wasn’t that way.
Well done, West Virginia! Percentage-wise, you're among the greatest gainers. We have no idea what the hell that means, and we're pretty sure Trump doesn't either. But maybe if you watch the whole video, it will all make sense.
BUT PROBABLY NOT!
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Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.