If your mom or your dad or your lonely neighbor who keeps to himself and kind of creeps you out was watching Fox News last night, they got to see two of their favorites give them tacit permission to believe a rewarmed Nazi conspiracy theory for the internet age, wherein Democrats and George Soros and all the other (((Jews))) are secretly controlling the world and trafficking children so they can sexually abuse them and steal their adrenochrome for fountain of youth purposes. Yes, their best boy Tucker Carlson, who they bet would be a great son, husband or boyfriend, and Laura Ingraham, who also comes on Fox News, gave them that validation.

Tucker and Laura made your parents and or creepy neighbor feel like it is totally reasonable to believe that MAYBE an 1871 law they'd never heard of until somebody talked about it on the internet this week made the United States IN ACTUALITY an it's not a democracy it's a republic a corporation, which means nobody has to obey any laws passed after that year, and also on March 4, Donald Trump will become the 19th president of the REAL United States, because obviously.

Tucker and Laura weren't saying they believe those things, mind you. They were just saying you have the absolute God-given inalienable right to believe them, and if somebody tries to take that away from you, then you are now "a slave."

Here is what your racist batshit Uncle Dale heard Tucker say last night, while Uncle Dale was cleaning his guns and heating up a Hungry Man, by himself:



CARLSON: Listen as the geniuses explain how the single biggest threat to this country isn't Chinese hegemony or even the coming hyperinflation, pretty much a certainty now, which was 100% caused by elite mismanagement of our economy. But no, let's not talk about that. The real threat is a forbidden idea. It's something called QAnon. [...]

We're watching a profound change taking place in American society and it's happening very fast. The stakes could not be higher. There's a clear line between democracy and tyranny, between self-government and dictatorship. And here's what that line is. That line is your conscience. They cannot cross that. [...]

No democratic government can ever tell you what to think. Your mind belongs to you. It is yours and yours alone. Once politicians attempt to control what you believe, they are no longer politicians. They are by definition dictators. And if they succeed in controlling what you believe you are no longer a citizen, you are not a free man, you are a slave.

Who is the THEY in the government who says Uncle Dale cannot believe John F. Kennedy Jr. is still alive and will one day (any old day now) help Donald Trump take down the international pedophile ring led by Tom Hanks, the Dalai Lama, and Oprah? We do not know. Tucker does not know. Tucker just knows that when the government tries to ban you from believing that, YOU ARE NOW ENSLAVED.

Why would Tucker have a problem with fighting back against a Nazi blood libel conspiracy theory that's been recalibrated for the internet age?

Dunno, ask his soul, assuming he has one.

So that's Tucker! Now let's visit with Laura Ingraham, who was SO. MUCH. WORSE.

If your weird neighbor Carol, the one who writes on NextDoor about every Black person she ever sees, stayed up to watch Laura Ingraham last night, here is what she saw.

The clip begins with Ingraham complaining that the Biden administration announced it is taking specific steps to fight domestic extremist terrorist networks like the ones that attacked the Capitol on January 6.

She then complains about, and severely misrepresents, a bill put forth by Democratic Rep. Stephanie Murphy, called the Security Clearance Improvement Act of 2021, to prevent giving security clearances to people who either 1) LITERALLY ATTACKED THE FUCKING CAPITOL, or 2) are or have been active in anti-government cells devoted to things like the Nazi QAnon conspiracy theory. Murphy noted on Twitter that security clearances are a "privilege, not a right," and added that "If an American participated in the Capitol attack – or if they subscribe to the dangerous anti-government views of QAnon, which has been linked to that attack – then they have no business being entrusted with our nation's secrets."

Sounds reasonable enough, right?

Well, Ingraham is a cynical, dishonest garbage fire of a human being, so she knows your neighbor Carol isn't about to get on the Google to read the bill for herself, so she's free to lie to Carol. In Ingraham's telling, Murphy's bill is an "ideological purge" meant to "keep Trump supporters from holding security clearances." Got that? She's trying to convince her viewers that any consequences for literal actual domestic terrorists and homegrown extremists should be viewed as an attack on all Trump supporters.

After playing clips of media figures talking about the need to weed these sorts of threats out of law enforcement and the military, she continued:

INGRAHAM: This is absolutely poisonous for the country. Republicans have to stand up and stop Democrats from targeting our active duty military personnel or our vets. These men and women have endured oftentimes repeated tours of duty abroad, risking life and limb, many times coming back to destroyed families.

And now they're viewed with suspicion and targeted by elected officials at home?

Fuck you. Military and cops who turn terrorist are terrorists.

Republicans need to step up in unison and demand that the Defense Department and the Biden administration clearly define what they think constitutes extremism.

Now, if a member of the military voted for Trump, does that make him an extremist?

Nope, but if they attacked the US Capitol or were part of other domestic terrorist cells trying to overthrow the results of a free and fair election, that would be the ticket.

Now, what if someone complains on Facebook that the federal government wastes a lot of money? Is she an extremist?

Go to hell, asshole. Nobody is going after Cousin Bart, who grumbles about ALL THIS DAMN PORK SPENDIN' on Facebook because some moron convinced him during the Reagan years that federal government and household budgets are the same.

You see what she's doing, though? She's helping her own viewers find common cause not with patriots who believe in American democracy, but with domestic terrorists. After all, don't they also complain about ALL THIS DAMN PORK SPENDIN' on Facebook? She is literally radicalizing them in real time.

What if they say that Roe v. Wade should be overturned? Or what if they participate in the March for Life?

Well, there were a lot of anti-abortion extremists at the Capitol attack, including at least one convicted clinic bomber. So maybe there's some overlap on that one!

What if they're conservative Baptists, they believe that sex outside of marriage is immoral? Is that extremist?

LOL what? What conservative Baptists secretly do or not do with their jiggly bits has never been our concern, except for when it's conservative religious leaders and politicians destroying gay people's lives with a Bible in one hand and some college student's cock in the other. Then it becomes our concern.

What if they have guns at home and they're lifetime NRA members?

Dunno, did they take their guns to the Capitol to attack it earlier this month? Were they planning to do another attack until the FBI thwarted it?

Will they now be considered extremists or even terrorists? We deserve to know. You see where this is destined to lead. And it is certainly not to a freer and more united America.

"You see where this is destined to lead," Ingraham intones to your impressionable grandfather, who doesn't even know how to use computers, and therefore hasn't really learned about QAnon, but now has been trained to find common cause with QAnon-believing domestic terrorists more than he does with actual American patriots who believe in democracy.

This is what these shitholes are filling these people's heads with now.

If there is a hell ...

[Media Matters / ibid.]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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