Tucker-By-Numbers Reads His Russian Propaganda Mad Lib After Biden Ukraine Visit

Good morning.

Anyone could have guessed, after President Joe Biden's widely successful and patriotic and good and decent Presidents' Day visit to Ukraine, that Tucker Carlson would have been in overdrive last night to convince his viewers that NO, you did not see what you just saw, and that was BAD, and Volodymyr Zelenskyy is the ENEMY, and Vladimir Putin is your DADDY.


It's almost like Tucker-By-Numbers at this point. Any of us could make our own Tucker Kremlin Propaganda Mad Lib.

Hell, Fish Stick Fauntleroy could go on vacation and they could do a rotating cast of guest hosts to read Tucker Kremlin Propaganda Mad Libs. It'd be like the thing they're doing on "'The Daily Show" right now, but probably with way more incel guest hosts.

At the beginning of his show he lavished praise on Donald Trump, for being the most brilliant foreign policy mind ever.

It's so funny because it's always been pretty clear that Trump, who is, in point of fact, a fucking moron, did not come up with his foreign policy ideas by himself. It's always seemed like SOMEBODY was filling his head with nonsense. It's especially odd when Trump has ended up with highly specific beliefs about things that wouldn't even be on most westerners' radar, but would be particularly close to SOMEBODY'S heart.

There's also the way Trump is certain he could end Russia's war on Ukraine, by giving Russia everything it ever wanted and making Ukraine beg for mercy. Which is on brand, considering how he extorted that country to help him steal the 2020 election, in exchange for protection from Russia, and was impeached for it.

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But anyway! That monologue last night, hoo boy and boy howdy!

You can read it for yourself by clicking that link. The Fox News headline is that "Zelenskyy is an instrument of total destruction." Tucker's thesis was, "Donald Trump had far wiser instincts about American foreign policy than any leader in at least a generation, and he did it without the help of anyone."

Every word of that sentence is:


These were Trump's very deep thoughts he came up with all by himself, according to Tucker:

"What's the point of NATO?," he asked nearly 30 years after the fall of the Soviet Union. No one in Washington could answer him. Shut up, racist, they replied, but Trump just kept going in his Trumpy way. "Why would we fight Russia?" he wondered. "Wouldn't making Russia our enemy just drive Putin into the arms of China and create the most powerful and dangerous anti-American bloc in history?"

No one bothered to answer him. In fact, for the sin of asking, they called him a traitor to his country. They impeached him for it, and then they started a war with Putin. But in retrospect, Trump had asked a deeply patriotic question: If Russia ever joined forces with China, American global hegemony, its power would end instantly. You'd have the world's largest land mass and largest natural gas reserves, allied with the world's largest population and world's largest economy.

You betcha. We impeached Trump for asking a question — it was a different question though — and then started a war with Putin over it. Nobody else started the war, like say the man who almost a year ago invaded a whole nother country, our ally, we started the war. Also: the fire!

Anyway, Trump had those very original questions about NATO, and also had very specific questions about the consequences of acknowledging that Russia is not our friend. Funny how the Trump and Tucker versions of the question both drastically overinflate the power of Russia. "The most powerful and dangerous anti-American bloc in history." Lordy, the Putin fluffing. Gotta reassure him everybody still thinks he's this big man, after his year of embarrassment in Ukraine.

You won't be surprised to learn that it just went on and on and on like this. We imagine Russian state TV clipped a whole bunch of it to show Daddy. Probably this part too:

Zelenskyy himself is a very dark force. That is obvious if you watch him. It is unmistakable. Who could not see that? This man is a destroyer. He banned a Christian faith in his country and arrested nuns and priests. Oh, but he's a hero, claim our leaders from Chuck Schumer to Mitch McConnell. No, Zelenskyy is not a hero. He is an instrument of total destruction. That is not a defense of his enemies. It's just true and maybe that's why Joe Biden is drawn to him.

Zelenskyy obviously did not ban Christian faith, but this is a lie Putin fluffers are telling.

Note that Tucker said, "It's just true," his assertions about Zelenskyy. That's his weird tic when he's demanding his viewers swallow propaganda. "It's just true," he says in a weird cadence while staring at the camera.

Tucker also said the air raid sirens that happened in Kyiv when Biden was there were "Potemkin air raid sirens."

There was a ton more, including the requisite babbling about how if Biden really cared he would have gone to East Palestine, Ohio, but we are finished with this particular Mad Lib.

[Fox News]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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