Donate

Few months back, Tucker Carlson grossed everybody out. (Yeah, just the one time.) He performed a one-man monologue with one hand tied inside his panties (allegedly!) about known gay homosexual Pete Buttigieg's candidacy, and, um, well, it got kinda weird.

Tucker said:

THEY WANT TO CONSUME HIM LIKE A HEARTY STEW.

EVERY LAST DROP OF BUTTIGIEG.

YUM.

About Pete Buttigieg.

He was responding to a comment from MSNBC's Nicolle Wallace about how Buttigieg is "Chicken Soup For My Soul," like the well-known line of Jesus-y chicken soup books. Tucker Carlson, misinterpreting that completely, went directly in his upset brain to dipping his boner in a piping hot bowl of Campbell's® Chunky™ and calling it "Pete Buttigieg." (Allegedly. Could not see what Tucker's boner was doing under the desk, and do not even know if Tucker gets boners, on TV or at any other time.)

Our point is that Tucker Carlson has done it again.


He's finished his chunky hearty Peter Buttgiggles stew, and now he's ready to make a weird sexual voice while he talks about "fluids." Adam Schiff's fluids, to be specific. Adam Schiff using his own "fluids" to write love letters to "impeachment," to be even more specific.

Tucker: Schiff is obsessed with impeachment www.youtube.com

CARLSON: The congressman from Burbank was ecstatic, he has spent years obsessing over impeachment like it was a young Jodie Foster. Colleagues say he has pictures of impeachment taped to the walls of his bedroom. He is believed to have written it steamy unhinged letters using his own body fluids.

We don't know if this is circumstantial evidence that Tucker Carlson has written a letter or 69 in his own jizz over the course of his life, because we are not a lawyer or a forensic scientist on "CSI: Miami" and we don't have any of those fancy lights that show everybody all the jizz. (If y'all donated to Wonkette more, we might.)

But anyway.

We recognize that Tucker Carlson is trying to don some kind of funny humorous guy affect here, replete with what he thinks is a hilarious John Hinckley Jr. seeing Jodie Foster in Taxi Driver reference. But as the timeless comedy maxim says, if you have to explain the joke, or if the joke makes you immediately think, "Ugh, Tucker Carlson is talking about a dude's jizz on TV again," it's not working. This is just more evidence of the age-old truism that conservatives should never, ever, ever, ever, ever attempt comedy. (Or acting or playing musical instruments or composing music or writing poetry or painting or really anything, honestly.) They're bad at it.

But viewed in context, this is also just more evidence that there is something deeply wrong with Tucker Swanson McNear Carlson. We have Tucker splooting in Pete Buttigieg's soup up there. One time he went on a rampage about "spiritual neutering," in the context of gingerbread cookies in Scotland that did not have defined man cock genital areas.

Clearly it is not Christmas unless you get a mouthful of gingerbread cock, and Tucker Carlson does not celebrate "happy holidays," he celebrates CHRISTMAS.

Also Tucker Carlson is a white supremacist whose white hood seems to always be at the cleaners (probably always covered in jizz TBH ALLEGEDLY!), who is moreover such a weak-sauce chickenshit baby that he brags about beating up gay guys in bathrooms. Perhaps it's not a good idea for him to be "funnying" about Pete Buttigieg's man stew or Adam Schiff's big gulps.

We get it, Tucker. Whatever is going on in your brain and in your soul, it's not pleasant for you.

But you don't have to show and tell everybody, because we don't care.

OPEN THREAD EVERYONE, HAVE IT.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE, DO IT RIGHT HERE!

Wonkette is fully funded by readers like YOU. If you love Wonkette, SUPPORT WONKETTE FINANCIALLY.

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

Donate

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Newsletter

©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc