We have found the quintessential Tucker Carlson clip. It has everything. It's got the trolling, it's got the racism, it's got the racist trolling, it's got the trolling racism. It has Tucker thinking he's being a funny and clever comedy man. It's got that yelping puberty shriek he does.

First the basics:

WHO TUCKER MAD AT: Biden Interior secretary nominee Deb Haaland.

WHY HE MAD: Because he seems to feel her becoming the first Native American secretary of the Interior would somehow make his white man penis shrink. Somehow.

WAIT WHY: Why ever is Tucker?


Let's go to the tape:


TUCKER: What does Deb Haaland plan to do with all this new power? Well no one's asked her! They're too busy celebrating what she looks like.

Tucker plays clips of media people saying Haaland's nomination is historic, suggesting this is the only thing people have said about Haaland or asked her about her qualifications. We guess he wants his viewers to think Haaland's confirmation hearing was just senator after senator asking Haaland if she thinks it's awesome that she's going to be the first Native American secretary of the Interior.

(Haaland's nomination is of course on hold this morning, by two western GOP senators, because they're worried she won't DRILL BABY DRILL hard enough. She's still getting confirmed though.)

TUCKER: It's very exciting that Deb Haaland is a Native American, that's CNN's position. They don't explain why it's exciting. But it's a good question, why is [Tucker puberty shriek] it exciting?

Tucker doesn't get very excited when minorities achieve things.

TUCKER: None of us choose how we were born, it's nothing that we did, or that we earned. So it seems a little weird to be quote "excited" about an accident of birth.

OK, Tucker, now say that same quote, but about white men.

TUCKER: How excited would CNN be if Haaland were unusually tall or had red hair or was born left-handed?

Would she be the first very tall Interior secretary? Has there been a long history of people with red hair or left-handed people being discriminated against? Haha, trick question YES, but Tucker did not write this monologue to start a wide-ranging discussion about discrimination, this is about white grievance.

TUCKER: The good news for Deb Haaland is, since she was born the way she was, no one is allowed to criticize her.

NO ONE IS ALLOWED. Would Tucker like to criticize Haaland for something substantive? Does he have a thought about her policy beliefs? Is he going to bravely argue against her record, despite how doing that about Deb Haaland is banned by law now? Haha, Tucker doesn't do "policy," he's doing a white racist whinyass thing.

Tucker explains that identity politics is "disgusting" and "stupid" and "immoral," but says that IF WE MUST do identity politics, he'd like to trollishly whine that we are not adequately praising the half of Haaland's genetics that are Aryan.

WHAT ABOUT WHITE STUFF, Tucker is crying out, into a world that has never recognized the accomplishments of a white person.

TUCKER: Deb Haaland identifies as a Native American. On the other hand, Haaland sounds very much like a Scandinavian name. [...] What's going on here?

Tucker's on the case! He's like Inspector Gadget, but his only magic spy gadget seems to be this white hood.

TUCKER: Well in fact, Deb Haaland is every bit as much Scandinavian as she is American Indian! Her father was Norwegian! And that means in addition to everything else, Deb Haaland is America's first Norwegian-American Interior Secretary ...

Oh yeah? Neat!

TUCKER: ... since Thomas Kleppe served in the Ford administration almost 50 years ago!

Aaaaaaand Tucker's troll-y comedy bit falls apart.

TUCKER: DEB HAALAND, HERO TO THE NORDIC PEOPLE! SHE'S WELCOME IN OUR SAUNA ANY TIME.

Nobody wants to go in Tucker Carlson's sauna. Certainly not alone.

Anyway, told you it was the quintessential Tucker clip.

If later today you catch your racist grandpa learning Norway's national anthem and saying he's doing it in honor of America's second Norwegian interior secretary today, this is why.

[Media Matters]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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