Tucker Carlson Is White America's Shepherd, They Shall Not Want. His Rod And His Staff Shall Comfort Them.

fox news

Tucker Carlson had a batshit segment last night. (Evergreen statement, we know.)

Here's part of it:

TUCKER CARLSON: To Americans who want to live as they did just 15 years ago, quietly, productively, without being harassed and harangued by self-righteous lunatics who mean them harm and they do. If you want to be left alone to do your job and raise your family in this country you will need a protector. That protector must be the Republican Party, there are no other options, but it must be a very different kind of Republican Party.

We assume that part of the monologue reads better in the original (German) version, where instead of "protector," it said "Tucker Carlson, your true father." Because call us crazy, but it sounds like he's saying HE wants to be the protector at the top of that "very different kind of Republican Party."


You see, Tucker wants the Republican Party to refocus. He's been saying for a few days that Donald Trump may just lose this election, and according to Tucker, it's because Trump and Republicans are wasting time on shit that doesn't matter, instead of focusing on what really matters, which is the tyranny of coronavirus lockdowns and, of course, Black people fighting for the right to not be murdered in the streets by cops. Tucker has been on about that and about discrimination against white people for weeks/months/years. (You know he's a white nationalist, right? It's important to remember that.) Every night, the message is that THEY are coming for YOU. Leave it to your imagination who THEY are.

He said recently that Trump needs to get back to his "core appeal," which as we all know is the white nationalism Tucker demonstrates on his show each night.

And then last night, Tucker put out his platform:

CARLSON: Don't forget that in the end the Republican Party exists to serve the interests of normal people, ordinary people.

[SCREAMING DOGWHISTLE HE MEANS WHITE PEOPLE]

CARLSON: Middle-class families are the core of this country, they are our hope for the future, our only hope.

[OUR GREAT WHITE HOPE, HE MEANS]

CARLSON: And yet both parties have shamelessly abandoned them. Middle-class families have no national spokesman, they have no lobby in Washington. Republicans pretend to be their champion; you know by now that they are not.

Instead of improving the lives of their voters, the party feeds them a steady diet of mindless, symbolic victories, partisan junk food designed to make them feel full, even as they waste away.

[TUCKER KNOWS HOW TO "MAKE THEM FEEL FULL," AYUP YOU BETCHA.]

CARLSON: Who cares how many Benghazi hearings we have? We're supposed to care. Why should we? How did Peter Strzok's text messages become more important than saving American jobs from foreign nationals who are taking them? It is lunacy! We fall for it every time. And to the extent this show has participated in it, we apologize with deepest sincerity.

Now stay tuned for "Sean Hannity's Peter Strzok Boner-Ghazi-Palooza," which comes on right after this message from your local My Pillow guy!

So that's weird.

Because that's the show that comes on right after Tucker Carlson. It sounds like the warning Tucker is sounding is that Trump is going to lose if he doesn't really get back to the basics, i.e. populist white nationalism, and away from that DUMB HANNITY SHIT. And we guess Trump tweeting the occasional White Power video and then going golfing just isn't going to cut it. Is Trump even fully committed to White Sparkle Motion?

Point is, it sure sounds like Tucker is thinking that maybe if/when the GOP fucks it all up this November, he'd like to be the young white nationalist to ride in on his horse, hang his white hood on the coat rack in the West Wing, and get to work.

Of course, Tucker's going to have to fight white nationalist fellow travelers like Tom Cotton and "Handmaid's Tale" cosplayers like Josh Hawley for that opportunity, and it might not even work. Heartland racist voters might not accept a racist grifter trust fund baby from the big city who's only pretending to be one of them for fun and profit HAHAHA JOKE.

This has been your timely reminder that A) They Know He's Going To Lose, B) just because Trump is going away doesn't mean America isn't still terribly broken, we can already see the next threats on the horizon, and we have to be ready for them, and C) Tucker Carlson is fucking weird.

[Media Matters]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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